I cannot cry
I will them to come
But no tears surface
I need to escape
To vent
To weep
But I am unable
Please, Nate, make me cry.
12/30/2006
12/29/2006
ftfikvkgykuftyidfs
It’s a nice feeling
When everything falls
Right into place
And damn does it feel good
When the rain finally comes
To clean off all that dirt
You know what I mean
When I say I love to stumble
Only to have you catch me before I fall
When everything falls
Right into place
And damn does it feel good
When the rain finally comes
To clean off all that dirt
You know what I mean
When I say I love to stumble
Only to have you catch me before I fall
12/27/2006
AHHHHH!
Blind to everything
You think isn’t there
When will you see
That the world is not so dark
That I am here
And you are not alone
Empty of all hope
You think does not exist
When will you see
That the world is not so dark
That the future is not stone
And you have a choice
Void of promises
You think don’t matter
When will you see
That the world is not so dark
That I am holding a candle
And all you have to do is ask
You think isn’t there
When will you see
That the world is not so dark
That I am here
And you are not alone
Empty of all hope
You think does not exist
When will you see
That the world is not so dark
That the future is not stone
And you have a choice
Void of promises
You think don’t matter
When will you see
That the world is not so dark
That I am holding a candle
And all you have to do is ask
12/26/2006
Blah!(a.k.a. i cried while writing this, so f-u Michelle)
Take a deep breath
Let it out real slow
Clear your mind
Of that junk from the day
Look at the stars
And fall into the sky
Let things revert
To when you were ten
Remember that pond?
And those damn frogs
All those fights we got in
About catching the right one
But on the ride home
The tension lifted
And all of the anger
Disappeared into the water
To be disturbed by us
Only on the next visit
Remember the way it was?
With the non-smoking adds
And the hatred of drugs
My fear of ending up like my dad
And your support of that
Remember when fun
Meant climbing a tree
Or swinging on that vine
In your back yard
And that cowboy your dad made
And trying to crash
Your brother’s bonfires
And five am Barbie’s
That always ended happily
Remember all that?
Good, take a hold
Grab on tight
And never, ever let go
Because that is me
And that is us
And without it, we disappear
Just like our old anger
And we will only ever
Come back to the surface
When someone stumbles upon a memory
And stirs up the mud
Let it out real slow
Clear your mind
Of that junk from the day
Look at the stars
And fall into the sky
Let things revert
To when you were ten
Remember that pond?
And those damn frogs
All those fights we got in
About catching the right one
But on the ride home
The tension lifted
And all of the anger
Disappeared into the water
To be disturbed by us
Only on the next visit
Remember the way it was?
With the non-smoking adds
And the hatred of drugs
My fear of ending up like my dad
And your support of that
Remember when fun
Meant climbing a tree
Or swinging on that vine
In your back yard
And that cowboy your dad made
And trying to crash
Your brother’s bonfires
And five am Barbie’s
That always ended happily
Remember all that?
Good, take a hold
Grab on tight
And never, ever let go
Because that is me
And that is us
And without it, we disappear
Just like our old anger
And we will only ever
Come back to the surface
When someone stumbles upon a memory
And stirs up the mud
12/23/2006
12/13/2006
Cruel Dawn
It is hard to see
Through these tears of mine
But I like the way
They turn everything foggy
The sky blends to the grass
And the sun becomes the moon
With stars to light the affair
And all the while I dance in the rain
Wait for the morning to come
With lighter times and happier moments
Wait for the moon to set
And the stars will be gone
So I run while I can
Through the streets and woods
Pass the house I once called home
And the tree which was a fortress
And along my travels I meet a prince
Strong and mighty is he
Makes me laugh and smile
And together we are forever
We run together in the night
With only the moon to light the way
We hold hands in secret conference
And whisper our thoughts silently
And when it rains we do not hide
But bask in its glory
Let the rain wash off the dirt
And show us who we really are
But when morning does come
And the dust of the moonlight settles
Showing the mud and gutters
And taking away the illusion of happiness
My tears are once more
And my prince has gone home
The light has set right the con
With the coming of this cruel dawn
Through these tears of mine
But I like the way
They turn everything foggy
The sky blends to the grass
And the sun becomes the moon
With stars to light the affair
And all the while I dance in the rain
Wait for the morning to come
With lighter times and happier moments
Wait for the moon to set
And the stars will be gone
So I run while I can
Through the streets and woods
Pass the house I once called home
And the tree which was a fortress
And along my travels I meet a prince
Strong and mighty is he
Makes me laugh and smile
And together we are forever
We run together in the night
With only the moon to light the way
We hold hands in secret conference
And whisper our thoughts silently
And when it rains we do not hide
But bask in its glory
Let the rain wash off the dirt
And show us who we really are
But when morning does come
And the dust of the moonlight settles
Showing the mud and gutters
And taking away the illusion of happiness
My tears are once more
And my prince has gone home
The light has set right the con
With the coming of this cruel dawn
12/04/2006
You Are Not Dreaming
Tell me what would happen
If your heart was repaired
And your soul mended
Tell me what you would do
If your world was turned upside down
And this black went to white once and for all
Tell me what you would say
To the one who made you smile
When all else made you cry
Tell me how you would react
Would you leap in cries of joy
And rejoice in the sudden change
Tell me what you would do
If you were no longer unhappy
And if the world held appeal to you
Tell me what would happen
If you cried rivers of tears
And they were not those of sadness
Just don’t tell me you’d say it was a dream
If your heart was repaired
And your soul mended
Tell me what you would do
If your world was turned upside down
And this black went to white once and for all
Tell me what you would say
To the one who made you smile
When all else made you cry
Tell me how you would react
Would you leap in cries of joy
And rejoice in the sudden change
Tell me what you would do
If you were no longer unhappy
And if the world held appeal to you
Tell me what would happen
If you cried rivers of tears
And they were not those of sadness
Just don’t tell me you’d say it was a dream
12/01/2006
Any one have an idea for a title?(suggestions welcome)
My voice a tremble
Yours pure and strong
My lips shake and quiver
Yours part in love and song
My heart racing out of me
Yours making it all right
My hand a blur of movement
Yours steady and full of might
My body aching in pain
Yours warm to the touch
My head spins in thought
Yours knows way too much
My feelings unsure and shy
Yours confident and ready
My eyes dart to evade
Yours try to hold mine steady
My breath short and shallow
Yours smooth and deep
My tears flowing freely
Yours secretly weep
I am week
You are strong
I am falling
You reach to catch
I slip through your hold
You cry out in sadness
I am lost forever
You are forever alone
Yours pure and strong
My lips shake and quiver
Yours part in love and song
My heart racing out of me
Yours making it all right
My hand a blur of movement
Yours steady and full of might
My body aching in pain
Yours warm to the touch
My head spins in thought
Yours knows way too much
My feelings unsure and shy
Yours confident and ready
My eyes dart to evade
Yours try to hold mine steady
My breath short and shallow
Yours smooth and deep
My tears flowing freely
Yours secretly weep
I am week
You are strong
I am falling
You reach to catch
I slip through your hold
You cry out in sadness
I am lost forever
You are forever alone
Veil of Rose Colored Dust
Whispers beckon and laughter sings.
I am lost in this world of dreams.
But do I really wish to leave?
And let alone those who weep,
To shed tears of their own
While I try to cover mine.
A decision is forced upon me,
One I do not wish to take.
Leave forever this paradise,
And live in the world of the living,
With real ness all around.
Or help those who need help most,
Only to doom myself instead.
Self sacrifice or sacrifice those I love,
Fix my wounded heart and leave them to bleed,
Or tend their hurts and pains
While my broken self shatters beyond repair.
There is no gray, from what I can see.
Only this stark white and endless black.
Skip the stone and see where it lands,
But who will tend my broken heart?
In this world of dreams that seems so real,
Reality takes over and shows us a world of fire.
I wish I could have it all, the ice and warmth,
The pain and joy. But instead I have only one side,
Making me a biased lover indeed.
My apologies I so generously give
To all who must suffer my presence.
I am sorry for making this world a dark one you must live.
So sorry for hurting you, and sorry for leaving.
So sorry I am for every thing I have I done.
Nothing is right in this world of shadows.
That laughter is cruel, and the whispers angry.
A veil of dust settles coldly on the night.
The moon giving birth to truth and wisdom.
But I am stuck forever in the dawn.
The light of the moon and of the stars,
No longer showing themselves to I.
A veil of dust indeed, colored rose by these lies.
I wish I could live here forever with you,
But childhood, it would seem,
Can only last for so long.
And am I am afraid that my time has come.
I am lost in this world of dreams.
But do I really wish to leave?
And let alone those who weep,
To shed tears of their own
While I try to cover mine.
A decision is forced upon me,
One I do not wish to take.
Leave forever this paradise,
And live in the world of the living,
With real ness all around.
Or help those who need help most,
Only to doom myself instead.
Self sacrifice or sacrifice those I love,
Fix my wounded heart and leave them to bleed,
Or tend their hurts and pains
While my broken self shatters beyond repair.
There is no gray, from what I can see.
Only this stark white and endless black.
Skip the stone and see where it lands,
But who will tend my broken heart?
In this world of dreams that seems so real,
Reality takes over and shows us a world of fire.
I wish I could have it all, the ice and warmth,
The pain and joy. But instead I have only one side,
Making me a biased lover indeed.
My apologies I so generously give
To all who must suffer my presence.
I am sorry for making this world a dark one you must live.
So sorry for hurting you, and sorry for leaving.
So sorry I am for every thing I have I done.
Nothing is right in this world of shadows.
That laughter is cruel, and the whispers angry.
A veil of dust settles coldly on the night.
The moon giving birth to truth and wisdom.
But I am stuck forever in the dawn.
The light of the moon and of the stars,
No longer showing themselves to I.
A veil of dust indeed, colored rose by these lies.
I wish I could live here forever with you,
But childhood, it would seem,
Can only last for so long.
And am I am afraid that my time has come.
Passive Agressive Queen
Boys will be boys
But girls are less passive
With the outright taunts
And nothing but stars
“Say the word girl”
They chide in unison
As I struggle through the syllables
Laughter rings in my ears
Though it is not the cheerful kind
So I shut up
Shut down
And lie dawn and play dead
Ignore the looks
And try to make it through the halls
With out throwing a punch
So infantile they are
Yet I find myself drawn
To belong in a world
I was not meant to be
My only wish
Is for you all to see
These are real cuts here
And this is real blood
Shed for your mocking eyes
And for my endless tears
No more sugar on the story
I wish to spit it out bitter
And force you to swallow
The hard to face truth;
You did this
It’s your fault
And there’s no apologies now
But girls are less passive
With the outright taunts
And nothing but stars
“Say the word girl”
They chide in unison
As I struggle through the syllables
Laughter rings in my ears
Though it is not the cheerful kind
So I shut up
Shut down
And lie dawn and play dead
Ignore the looks
And try to make it through the halls
With out throwing a punch
So infantile they are
Yet I find myself drawn
To belong in a world
I was not meant to be
My only wish
Is for you all to see
These are real cuts here
And this is real blood
Shed for your mocking eyes
And for my endless tears
No more sugar on the story
I wish to spit it out bitter
And force you to swallow
The hard to face truth;
You did this
It’s your fault
And there’s no apologies now
Through Rose Colored Glasses
Ignorance is bliss
What with this world we live in
Through the eyes of a child
I see nothing but red
Turning storms into a chance to dance in the rain
And death into ghosts to play with in the night
Nothing but play time
With no care for mothers who nag
Rooms always messy
With not a patch of carpet in sight
But that doesn’t matter
The grass will suffice
And those swings are not just that
They are airplanes
That zoom around your head
As you dream of tomorrow
With thoughts of pools
And Indian warriors
Fresh in your mind
You make plans with the girl down the street
And sleep is hard to come by
The excitement and magic
Still alive in your heart
Through the eyes of a child
My vision is rosy
And nothing matters more
Than who gets the blonde Barbie
What with this world we live in
Through the eyes of a child
I see nothing but red
Turning storms into a chance to dance in the rain
And death into ghosts to play with in the night
Nothing but play time
With no care for mothers who nag
Rooms always messy
With not a patch of carpet in sight
But that doesn’t matter
The grass will suffice
And those swings are not just that
They are airplanes
That zoom around your head
As you dream of tomorrow
With thoughts of pools
And Indian warriors
Fresh in your mind
You make plans with the girl down the street
And sleep is hard to come by
The excitement and magic
Still alive in your heart
Through the eyes of a child
My vision is rosy
And nothing matters more
Than who gets the blonde Barbie
11/15/2006
Rain
Feel the rain on our skin
Let it soak in
And clean out your system
Pure and full of life
It seeps in where so one has gone in years
Finds your secrets
And tears them out
Makes you smile
In the darkest of times
With an iron fist
And jaws of steel
Take-no-prisoners attitude
Makes everyone surrender
Its will is strong
And it will not give up
Until it has made very last being
Open their eyes
To the truth that it holds
Feel the rain on your skin
Let it soak in
And make every thing right again
Pure and full of life
It gets into places you have long forgotten
Finds your secrets
And forces you to voice them
Makes you cry
In the happiest of moments
With an iron fist
And jaws of steel
Take-no-prisoners attitude
Makes you want to scream
Its will is strong
And it will not give up
Until it has made every last part of you
Open your eyes
To see the new world before you
Yours for the taking
Let it soak in
And clean out your system
Pure and full of life
It seeps in where so one has gone in years
Finds your secrets
And tears them out
Makes you smile
In the darkest of times
With an iron fist
And jaws of steel
Take-no-prisoners attitude
Makes everyone surrender
Its will is strong
And it will not give up
Until it has made very last being
Open their eyes
To the truth that it holds
Feel the rain on your skin
Let it soak in
And make every thing right again
Pure and full of life
It gets into places you have long forgotten
Finds your secrets
And forces you to voice them
Makes you cry
In the happiest of moments
With an iron fist
And jaws of steel
Take-no-prisoners attitude
Makes you want to scream
Its will is strong
And it will not give up
Until it has made every last part of you
Open your eyes
To see the new world before you
Yours for the taking
11/13/2006
Monopoly
Empty spaces
Fill a whole
Whose rules
Do I abide?
And where
Is the ink in which
They are proclaimed
What game is this?
And who is playing?
What place am I at?
The beginning,
Or is it the end?
Where is the bridge?
And what the hell is going on?
Why does it hurt so much?
And why isn’t there a soul in sight?
Am I losing,
Or in the lead?
A race for the finish line,
Or is it based on points?
Are there teams?
Or am I alone?
And why can’t I help,
Those left behind?
Fill a whole
Whose rules
Do I abide?
And where
Is the ink in which
They are proclaimed
What game is this?
And who is playing?
What place am I at?
The beginning,
Or is it the end?
Where is the bridge?
And what the hell is going on?
Why does it hurt so much?
And why isn’t there a soul in sight?
Am I losing,
Or in the lead?
A race for the finish line,
Or is it based on points?
Are there teams?
Or am I alone?
And why can’t I help,
Those left behind?
11/11/2006
You Don't Know Me
It's a funny thing, the way that we think. Going about our days, never looking back. Until we lay down to sleep, and all of the things that we said, all the things that we did, come flooding back in a river so powerful, so strong that we can do nothing but accept its message. We review our day critically, picking apart the very essence of who we are with things like "I should have done this" or "Why did I say that?" when deep down, when it comes to core of things, all that really matters is what we decide to think about ourselves because of it. Because of our actions, what do we think of ourselves, better or worse. Does what we said or did really matter in the long run, or was it just practice, for the things that do. All that I can say is this; I haven't said or done enough, I haven't done what I should have done, the things that I have said are far less than perfect, and what I feel because of this is not happiness, but rather regret. And that, regretting the things that have passed, is one feeling that no person should have to live with. Regretting the very person that you have become, the character that you have created inside of yourselves. No one, and I repeat NO ONE should live with that. I say this now as an awakening. I am awake. The practice is over, the trial run complete, and the finals are here. What I say, do, and think from this moment on is real. More real than anything that I have ever said, done, or felt before. And I plan on sharing it with everyone. Especially the person that gave it to me. TO that person I dedicate this to, weather they realize it or not, they have saved me and I owe them a great deal. Thank you so much, and I hope that, for now, this is enough to repay your good deeds and the care that you given to me. Thank you, truly. I feel alive, I feel solid, I feel like me. For the first time in my short life, that seems much longer than it really is, I feel like I belong. I feel like the person that I am is good enough and those who think otherwise will just have to suck it, because this is who I am, and you don't know me.
11/10/2006
Don't Ask, Just Jump
Never dream dreams,
That are not what you wish.
Never look through the glass,
Without a plan to break it.
Never lock the door,
Just to find the key is on the other side.
Never watch the world spin,
And not jump on for a ride.
Never ask questions,
You don’t want the answers to.
Never live in denial,
Because you fear the truth.
Never fall down,
And not get up again.
Never lie to the ones you love,
Only to regret it later.
Never sit in the stands and watch,
When the game is one that you love.
Never live a life of hopes,
Only to walk away and wish some more.
Never lose yourself to the game,
And not attempt to get it back.
Never wear masks,
Just to hide what you don’t want others to see.
Never hold your love inside,
When the one you love is need of it.
Never wait for life to happen,
It will just pass you up, and not wave goodbye.
That are not what you wish.
Never look through the glass,
Without a plan to break it.
Never lock the door,
Just to find the key is on the other side.
Never watch the world spin,
And not jump on for a ride.
Never ask questions,
You don’t want the answers to.
Never live in denial,
Because you fear the truth.
Never fall down,
And not get up again.
Never lie to the ones you love,
Only to regret it later.
Never sit in the stands and watch,
When the game is one that you love.
Never live a life of hopes,
Only to walk away and wish some more.
Never lose yourself to the game,
And not attempt to get it back.
Never wear masks,
Just to hide what you don’t want others to see.
Never hold your love inside,
When the one you love is need of it.
Never wait for life to happen,
It will just pass you up, and not wave goodbye.
11/09/2006
Blah #2
Girrr. this also is not a poem. it is such a worthless piece of writing that i am not even writing it in word. there fore, BAD SPELLING! deal with it. any who, i feel... empty. like there are so many things that i am missing by sitting in side and doing nothing, moping about thinking how bad my life is, how borring it is, when i should be out doing things. But hey, i have no car, no way to drive, and no ride. girr to this. the world is so big, and my life so small. depressing in a way.
i do not know why i am doing what i am doing, nor what that is in the first place becasue i am not doing a whole lot. i want excitement, adventure. and i am afraid that none of that will come from the people at KenSTONER high school. such a pitty. but what can i do? i can pitty myself, who had to stick it out one more year before i am out of there, or i can pitty those who still have years in front of them. only thing is, they dont hate the place as much as i do. how did this become a rant on school? ah well, like i said, i feel empty, hollow, nothingness. and i want to feel. anything, something. please. let me feel.
that is all
i think
not really,
but oh well
Maybe i shall have a new poem up in a while. BUT, maybe not. who knows.
i do not know why i am doing what i am doing, nor what that is in the first place becasue i am not doing a whole lot. i want excitement, adventure. and i am afraid that none of that will come from the people at KenSTONER high school. such a pitty. but what can i do? i can pitty myself, who had to stick it out one more year before i am out of there, or i can pitty those who still have years in front of them. only thing is, they dont hate the place as much as i do. how did this become a rant on school? ah well, like i said, i feel empty, hollow, nothingness. and i want to feel. anything, something. please. let me feel.
that is all
i think
not really,
but oh well
Maybe i shall have a new poem up in a while. BUT, maybe not. who knows.
11/05/2006
Blah
Yeah, yeah, this is not a poem, stop your whining. I just had to say this to the people who read this, well really only one person but names shall not be said, so here it goes. There is no games, no rules to this thing called life. Live it how you wish, and if you push away from the things that make you happy, don't blame others. Don't punish others for your mistakes, and look to the people who care for you for help. If you feel so compelled to doom yourself to a life of pain, do not put that pain onto others just because you cant take it, and when your walls fall down, you will be hurt even more. I say "when" and not "if" because those walls you built are not stable. They were constructed under pressure and hurt and they will tumble down one day. When I can not say. All I can say is that it will hurt more than anything you ever felt and I suggest that you start letting them down slowly to prevent this. Don’t go looking for things that are lost. Don’t wish for things to happen, make them so. And believe me when I say that some people do what they say, no matter what. This world maybe dark, but it is not as dark as you think, and the light that is here is found unexpected places.
10/29/2006
Save Me
Please save me
This time I can not run
I need a helping hand
To pick me up off the ground
Dust off the dirt
I can not do it alone
So please save me
And shield me from the eyes
That pierce and burn
They are so harsh
I need your touch
To fend off the pain
So please save me
And help me do this one last time
My legs are weary
And I need a crutch
The track too narrow
That roots too many
And I can not do this on my own
Please save me
This time I can not run
I need a helping hand
To pick me up off the ground
Dust off the dirt
I can not do it alone
So please save me
And shield me from the eyes
That pierce and burn
They are so harsh
I need your touch
To fend off the pain
So please save me
And help me do this one last time
My legs are weary
And I need a crutch
The track too narrow
That roots too many
And I can not do this on my own
Please save me
10/25/2006
10/23/2006
Who am I?
A heartless lover
A cowardly fighter
A person in need
A giver of needs
Someone who hurts
Someone in pain
Someone needing love
Someone needing peace
A person who haves
A person who doesn’t
Someone who hates
Someone who is hated
Someone in need of something unknown
Someone looking for new things
A lost heart
A heart that lost everything
A heart that died long ago
A lost cause
A cause not worth the fight
A hippy
A martyr
A protestor
A dreamer
A student
A poet
A writer
A sister
A daughter
A friend
A smoker
A drinker
A thinker
A cutter
Me.
A cowardly fighter
A person in need
A giver of needs
Someone who hurts
Someone in pain
Someone needing love
Someone needing peace
A person who haves
A person who doesn’t
Someone who hates
Someone who is hated
Someone in need of something unknown
Someone looking for new things
A lost heart
A heart that lost everything
A heart that died long ago
A lost cause
A cause not worth the fight
A hippy
A martyr
A protestor
A dreamer
A student
A poet
A writer
A sister
A daughter
A friend
A smoker
A drinker
A thinker
A cutter
Me.
For Me
Darkness
And cold
Wind
And ice
Frozen in time
With no frame of reference
Stranded
And alone
Crying
And sad
Feeling helpless
With no one near to help
Will you come to me
Dry these tears
And hold me tight
A selfish wish
I know, but please
For me, just come
Blue
And green
You
And me
Stuck in a gaze
With no sense of time
Hands
And eyes
Words
And music
Feeling right again
With a hope that it’s not a dream
Will you stay with me
Keep the tears away
And never let go
A selfish wish
I know, but please
For me, don’t leave
And cold
Wind
And ice
Frozen in time
With no frame of reference
Stranded
And alone
Crying
And sad
Feeling helpless
With no one near to help
Will you come to me
Dry these tears
And hold me tight
A selfish wish
I know, but please
For me, just come
Blue
And green
You
And me
Stuck in a gaze
With no sense of time
Hands
And eyes
Words
And music
Feeling right again
With a hope that it’s not a dream
Will you stay with me
Keep the tears away
And never let go
A selfish wish
I know, but please
For me, don’t leave
10/22/2006
Tell Me What You Want
If I could have one wish
I would wish you happiness
To be able to cry
And laugh
To know real love when it shows
I would wish upon you
Every thing you want
To have a life of your own
To smile at the sun
To be able to see the stars again
And take in the warmth of the moon
But wishes are not real
And all I have to give is me
I can not make you cry
Or open your eyes
Laughter is beyond my power
And the stars only fade when I am near
I take the smile out of your heart
And every thing you want is lost
The moon is cold to your skin
And I am just hurting you more
Love is blind to you no matter what I do
So should I stay?
And try harder
Push myself upon you even more
Only to be pushed away again
To love you stronger
To show you dimmed stars
To hug you in the moon light
And try to squeeze out tears
To tell jokes with an empty heart
And stand by while you shut me out
Or should I just leave?
I would wish you happiness
To be able to cry
And laugh
To know real love when it shows
I would wish upon you
Every thing you want
To have a life of your own
To smile at the sun
To be able to see the stars again
And take in the warmth of the moon
But wishes are not real
And all I have to give is me
I can not make you cry
Or open your eyes
Laughter is beyond my power
And the stars only fade when I am near
I take the smile out of your heart
And every thing you want is lost
The moon is cold to your skin
And I am just hurting you more
Love is blind to you no matter what I do
So should I stay?
And try harder
Push myself upon you even more
Only to be pushed away again
To love you stronger
To show you dimmed stars
To hug you in the moon light
And try to squeeze out tears
To tell jokes with an empty heart
And stand by while you shut me out
Or should I just leave?
10/20/2006
No Answers
Not one but two
Not even two but three
Maybe more
It’s hard to tell
With all the buzzing
Can’t keep it straight
Who these thoughts are for
Her?
Or Him?
Or maybe even Her?
It’s hard to see
Through all the fog
It cloaks the truth
So well hidden from my eyes
I wish I could see
I wish I could hear
I wish I knew
What’s wrong with me
But through it all
The only answer I get
Is no.
Not even two but three
Maybe more
It’s hard to tell
With all the buzzing
Can’t keep it straight
Who these thoughts are for
Her?
Or Him?
Or maybe even Her?
It’s hard to see
Through all the fog
It cloaks the truth
So well hidden from my eyes
I wish I could see
I wish I could hear
I wish I knew
What’s wrong with me
But through it all
The only answer I get
Is no.
10/16/2006
Lost
Every one says they’re on my side
Every one says don’t try to hide
Can stop what’s been put into motion
As much as I can a wave in the ocean
Beautiful bliss just calling my name
When will I learn it’s all the same
There is no heaven, there is no hell
If there was I’d pick myself up after I fell
So long ago my world was shattered
A million pieces so broken and battered
Beyond repair there is no hope
No time to weep, no time cope
I am a lost ship at sea
With no sails, just let me be
Every one says don’t try to hide
Can stop what’s been put into motion
As much as I can a wave in the ocean
Beautiful bliss just calling my name
When will I learn it’s all the same
There is no heaven, there is no hell
If there was I’d pick myself up after I fell
So long ago my world was shattered
A million pieces so broken and battered
Beyond repair there is no hope
No time to weep, no time cope
I am a lost ship at sea
With no sails, just let me be
But I Get Up Again
We all fall down
It’s only human
Pick yourself up
Dust off the dirt
Keep on walking
Every fall adds
Yet another layer
The thicker the skin
The stronger you are
But the longer you lay
On the cold ground
The harder it will be
To get up again
It’s only human
Pick yourself up
Dust off the dirt
Keep on walking
Every fall adds
Yet another layer
The thicker the skin
The stronger you are
But the longer you lay
On the cold ground
The harder it will be
To get up again
10/14/2006
Is a Platonic Possible?
Lately I have been wondering if it is possible for me to keep any relationship outside of my family platonic. It would seem that the answer is no and that bothers me. I want a friend, someone that I can talk to freely yet have no other connection with. I feel that it may even be more than want; I need this person so badly. The root of my depression is in the fact that I am so different from every one that I meet that I am unable to connect with acquaintances. Michelle, Miranda, Chris, and now Nate have all become more than platonic on my side of things, yet they are still strictly friends with me. It hurts not to have any one that I can tell this too, but that list is all of my friends and I don’t think that I can bring my self to admit this problem to any of them. I need a shopping buddy, a getting drunk buddy, a plain old hanging out buddy, but all of the people that I can stand in this world are listed above. I want; no I need black and white. I am so sick of this grey that seems intent of taking over my life. I need lines, rules, and I need to follow them. but every time that I try it seems that I am unable to keep control of myself. Nate was supposed to be this person, but look how that ended up. I feel weird even putting this up. Three out my four friends is going to reed it and I am nervous of what they will think. Oh well, here it goes. I am sure that I will feel better once it is out there, I always do any way. Deep breath. One two three.
10/11/2006
Monkey in the Zoo
I am a monkey.
A plain and simple monkey
With no particular plan
And no particular agenda
Just a monkey
When I speak
You see a talking money
And star in awe at the wonder
A talking monkey! You exclaim
What a treat indeed
When I do tricks
You are just as amazed
I dance and twirl for your entertainment
But when the show is over
What happens then?
It is hard for you
To understand that a being other than yourself
Is capable of things such as reading, and speaking
But I assure you
This is wrong, I am a monkey after all
And when I say something smart like
Your eyes flick
And your ears perk
Did that monkey say the right answer? You ask
Yes, yes it did.
A plain and simple monkey
With no particular plan
And no particular agenda
Just a monkey
When I speak
You see a talking money
And star in awe at the wonder
A talking monkey! You exclaim
What a treat indeed
When I do tricks
You are just as amazed
I dance and twirl for your entertainment
But when the show is over
What happens then?
It is hard for you
To understand that a being other than yourself
Is capable of things such as reading, and speaking
But I assure you
This is wrong, I am a monkey after all
And when I say something smart like
Your eyes flick
And your ears perk
Did that monkey say the right answer? You ask
Yes, yes it did.
10/05/2006
What Do You Want?
To disappear
Not that
To become invisible
Not that either
Maybe to be invincible
No, then I am not human
What about being smart
No, intelligence doesn’t really meant that much to me
How about…umm…To be you
That sounds nice
And having friends
That too
What about being able to cope
Ooh, I like that one a lot
Maybe to have all of your ducks
Ooh!
And put them in place
Can they stay there?
Of course.
Deal
Deal.
10/03/2006
You Will Be Loved
You will go far
Away from here
And every thing you hate
You will go far
Someday
You will go far
In this world
Someday
You will achieve
Great things
And all will adore you
You will achieve
Someday
You will achieve
All that which you set out to do
Someday
You will be loved
By someone unknown
And it will touch you deep
You will be loved
Someday
You will be loved
Like you have never been before
Someday
Away from here
And every thing you hate
You will go far
Someday
You will go far
In this world
Someday
You will achieve
Great things
And all will adore you
You will achieve
Someday
You will achieve
All that which you set out to do
Someday
You will be loved
By someone unknown
And it will touch you deep
You will be loved
Someday
You will be loved
Like you have never been before
Someday
9/23/2006
Blah
Okay. Time for a new rant/ vent/ blah thing-a-ma-do.
I am a loser. I have about two and a half friends. I have never done anything fun or exciting. I use alcohol to sooth the pain from an unknown demon and I it is a Saturday night and I am sitting at home doing absolutely nothing. Fun fun fun. Girrrrrrrrrrrr. Argggggg. Meow.
Okay. I am done now.
I am a loser. I have about two and a half friends. I have never done anything fun or exciting. I use alcohol to sooth the pain from an unknown demon and I it is a Saturday night and I am sitting at home doing absolutely nothing. Fun fun fun. Girrrrrrrrrrrr. Argggggg. Meow.
Okay. I am done now.
I Am Here
All I have to say is
I am here
Unwavering and unmoving
I am here
Never to fade or pushed
I am here
A rock in the ocean
I am here
Forever and always
I am here
For you and what ever you need
I am here
An outlet or a tissue
I am here
A night sky or the sun
I am here
For silence or music
I am here
Fun or relaxation
I am here
An escape or a connection
I am here
For ever and always
Unwavering and unmoving
Never to fade or to be pushed away
I am here
I am here
Unwavering and unmoving
I am here
Never to fade or pushed
I am here
A rock in the ocean
I am here
Forever and always
I am here
For you and what ever you need
I am here
An outlet or a tissue
I am here
A night sky or the sun
I am here
For silence or music
I am here
Fun or relaxation
I am here
An escape or a connection
I am here
For ever and always
Unwavering and unmoving
Never to fade or to be pushed away
I am here
9/17/2006
Do You Cry at Night?
A broken skin
A faded truth
A mask to hide
What’s really there
But have you forgotten
There is a you
But have you forgotten
Those really are tears you see
A silent sob
An invisible tear
An evil angel
To take you away
But have you forgotten
There is a you
But have you forgotten
That’s me standing there
A faded truth
A mask to hide
What’s really there
But have you forgotten
There is a you
But have you forgotten
Those really are tears you see
A silent sob
An invisible tear
An evil angel
To take you away
But have you forgotten
There is a you
But have you forgotten
That’s me standing there
9/15/2006
Fading
An old photo,
In a tattered album,
Has not lost its magic,
Simply its ability to use it.
An ally cat,
That shides away from light,
Afraid of all that moves,
Is not a scardy cat,
Simply a well trained one.
And if that cat,
Were to wonder,
Into the light that had faded the photo,
Would it fade too?
Or would it learn, and hide better the next time the sun shines?
In a tattered album,
Has not lost its magic,
Simply its ability to use it.
An ally cat,
That shides away from light,
Afraid of all that moves,
Is not a scardy cat,
Simply a well trained one.
And if that cat,
Were to wonder,
Into the light that had faded the photo,
Would it fade too?
Or would it learn, and hide better the next time the sun shines?
9/08/2006
A Perfect Waste of Time
A river
A ride
A death
A night
A hopeful glance
A disappointing stair
Am I helping you out?
Or just wasting my time?
A cut
A drop
A bandage
A scar
A sorrowful tear
A torn tissue
Am I there for you?
Or am I in the way?
A flower
A stone
A grave
A prayer
A deep sigh
A helpless cry
Am I just in time?
Or am I too late?
A ride
A death
A night
A hopeful glance
A disappointing stair
Am I helping you out?
Or just wasting my time?
A cut
A drop
A bandage
A scar
A sorrowful tear
A torn tissue
Am I there for you?
Or am I in the way?
A flower
A stone
A grave
A prayer
A deep sigh
A helpless cry
Am I just in time?
Or am I too late?
Stickes and Stones
A rock in a meadow
All alone and cold
A stone sits beside it
Unforgiving and worm
And envy is formed
A friendship ruined
The smooth pebble no longer
A place of comfort
The rock a hard thing to talk to
The stone no longer wading
The rock rough and angry
The stone wet with sorrow
A barrier was formed
The wall was made
And what do you know
The mortar was made
Of not the rock
Or of the stone
But of the gravel
That both had sat on for so long
All alone and cold
A stone sits beside it
Unforgiving and worm
And envy is formed
A friendship ruined
The smooth pebble no longer
A place of comfort
The rock a hard thing to talk to
The stone no longer wading
The rock rough and angry
The stone wet with sorrow
A barrier was formed
The wall was made
And what do you know
The mortar was made
Of not the rock
Or of the stone
But of the gravel
That both had sat on for so long
9/04/2006
Demons
Demons that heal
And demons that slay
Demons that won’t leave
Or let your mind at bay
Demons that take
And demons that give
Demons that lie
And wonder what if?
Demons that dance
And demons that play
Demons that chide
And sing the night away
Demons that bleed
And demons that die
Demons that leave me all alone at night
And never stay to say goodbye
And demons that slay
Demons that won’t leave
Or let your mind at bay
Demons that take
And demons that give
Demons that lie
And wonder what if?
Demons that dance
And demons that play
Demons that chide
And sing the night away
Demons that bleed
And demons that die
Demons that leave me all alone at night
And never stay to say goodbye
9/02/2006
All of Me
All that I am
All that I ever was
All that I’ll ever be
Is in the stars
No mortal can reach
No arm is long enough
No will is strong enough
And no one really cares that much to try
All that I am
All that I ever was
All that I’ll ever be
Is all alone
It is of my own making
It is out of self preservation
It is an act of boredom
It is my way of reaching out
All that I am
All that I ever was
All that I’ll ever be
Is perfectly un-content
No smile can fix
No act of goodness either
No mortal being is strong enough
No one but you
All that I ever was
All that I’ll ever be
Is in the stars
No mortal can reach
No arm is long enough
No will is strong enough
And no one really cares that much to try
All that I am
All that I ever was
All that I’ll ever be
Is all alone
It is of my own making
It is out of self preservation
It is an act of boredom
It is my way of reaching out
All that I am
All that I ever was
All that I’ll ever be
Is perfectly un-content
No smile can fix
No act of goodness either
No mortal being is strong enough
No one but you
Blood and Rain
Don’t let your mind get weary and confused
It will just bring you down
Don’t let the time run with you life
It will go far
Don’t lose your faith in me
It will help you survive
Don’t hide from the rain
It will wash the blood away
And show a whole new day
It will just bring you down
Don’t let the time run with you life
It will go far
Don’t lose your faith in me
It will help you survive
Don’t hide from the rain
It will wash the blood away
And show a whole new day
8/30/2006
Death
Death is a funny thing. We are all afraid of it. No matter how brave we think we are, or actually may be, we are all afraid of the mysterious beyond, the pearly gates, the fiery depths. Face it, it’s terrifying. Until that moment comes when it is there, staring you down like a tiger with its prey, and you think that it might not be so bad. It may be better than the hell you have been living. It may be worse, yes, but there is also that chance that it may be better. No matter how small that chance is, it’s there all the same and you grasp it with every ounce of energy you have left. With all your will you hold on and don’t let go. And then it comes. Like a sudden crescendo to a classical piece it pounds at you like your bass drum of a heart and you know that its here. It has finally come. The moment we have all been waiting for is knocking at your door and your can either open it with a smile or wait for it to knock down that dinky door of your shitty apartment and take you any way. Death has come and it doesn’t take no for an answer.
8/26/2006
Open Your Eyes
Open your eyes
See a brand new world
One for the takin’
And not the leavin’
One that has appeal
And not disgust
Open your eyes
See a brand new you
The person you always wanted to be
The one that you envied before
One that is just like you
And every thing you wished you could be
Open your eyes
See me waiting
Like I have been for so long
Patiently impatient
I tap and I twiddle
Hoping this is not the dream I secretly know it is.
Open your eyes
See the reality of now
The bombs and death
The hate and fear
The realness of blood on your wrists
And the blackness taking over now.
See a brand new world
One for the takin’
And not the leavin’
One that has appeal
And not disgust
Open your eyes
See a brand new you
The person you always wanted to be
The one that you envied before
One that is just like you
And every thing you wished you could be
Open your eyes
See me waiting
Like I have been for so long
Patiently impatient
I tap and I twiddle
Hoping this is not the dream I secretly know it is.
Open your eyes
See the reality of now
The bombs and death
The hate and fear
The realness of blood on your wrists
And the blackness taking over now.
7/12/2006
Bad Me
This is not a poem. I will go ahead and say that right from the start so I do not try and mold it into one, or lie to myself and say that it is. You see, I do not like posting non-poems on my site. I have no clue why, so don’t ask. But I needed to write something. You see, I am an insomniac. That is I would be if I didn’t write. And that means that when I have the brick wall in form of me, known so commonly as writers block, I can not sleep. This is a problem because I worked nine hours today and I must work eleven hours tomorrow and last night I only got 3 hours of sleep. See, problem. So I am writing this ranting, meandering, tangent of a piece to attempt to sleep a few winks (that was fun to write) tonight. Wow. That makes no sense. You do not wink when you are sleeping so why do people say that they are trying to sleep a few winks? Yet another mystery of this messed up world that we live in.
After reading that last paragraph I have decided that my vocabulary sucks. I declare that I will learn a new word every day form now on. How much you wanna bet that that declaration will last a week before I declare, silently of course, that I can not do it. Or even, better yet, I simply forget that I ever made that declaration in the first place. The story of my life; unfinished works and unfulfilled goals. I wish I wasn’t lazy. That would solve all my problems. Like instead of talking to who ever reads this, if any one does, I should try to change. But it is 12:45 and I am tired as hell, but I can’t sleep because too much is on my mind. If only I knew what all of that was I might be able to think it all through and go to bed. But instead it is in a locked drawer that I know not where the key is. What an irking predicament. I like that word, predicament. Its fun to say and I can say it all the time because hey, guess what, I am always in one.
New topic any one? How about the fact that I haven’t written in any of my stories for a week? Or the one where I am over worked and tired? Oh, right, already covered that one. Well how about the one that I am bored with my life and need a change of scenery, a turn from the norm? Or how about the one where I am sick and tired of talking instead but I cant seem to find the motivation to do anything? That one sounds good, but I am too tired to write any more tonight.
After reading that last paragraph I have decided that my vocabulary sucks. I declare that I will learn a new word every day form now on. How much you wanna bet that that declaration will last a week before I declare, silently of course, that I can not do it. Or even, better yet, I simply forget that I ever made that declaration in the first place. The story of my life; unfinished works and unfulfilled goals. I wish I wasn’t lazy. That would solve all my problems. Like instead of talking to who ever reads this, if any one does, I should try to change. But it is 12:45 and I am tired as hell, but I can’t sleep because too much is on my mind. If only I knew what all of that was I might be able to think it all through and go to bed. But instead it is in a locked drawer that I know not where the key is. What an irking predicament. I like that word, predicament. Its fun to say and I can say it all the time because hey, guess what, I am always in one.
New topic any one? How about the fact that I haven’t written in any of my stories for a week? Or the one where I am over worked and tired? Oh, right, already covered that one. Well how about the one that I am bored with my life and need a change of scenery, a turn from the norm? Or how about the one where I am sick and tired of talking instead but I cant seem to find the motivation to do anything? That one sounds good, but I am too tired to write any more tonight.
7/05/2006
Kleenex
You stole my hands
Of which I do not hold against you
Yours were broken
And mine were numb
Just make sure you return them in working order
I want them numb just like you got them
No feeling of pain or fear
No sense of shame or worry
Cold and dying
On their way to the silver gate
They left me willingly
Knowing no greatness lie here
Foreseeing the dead ends
And stalls in progress
They left me here alone
With no way to blow my nose
And nothing to grasp the tissue with
Of which I do not hold against you
Yours were broken
And mine were numb
Just make sure you return them in working order
I want them numb just like you got them
No feeling of pain or fear
No sense of shame or worry
Cold and dying
On their way to the silver gate
They left me willingly
Knowing no greatness lie here
Foreseeing the dead ends
And stalls in progress
They left me here alone
With no way to blow my nose
And nothing to grasp the tissue with
7/04/2006
7/02/2006
This God of Mine
This god of mine
Please let me be
Let the tears flow
And the blows fall
This god of mine
I need you no more
Though common misconception says neigh
Please let me be
And give me flight
This god of mine
What power does yee yield
I have seen it all
But nothing of yours
This god of mine
I need some space
Reasons and room
Will be all you can offer
This god of mine
Please let me be
And let the tears flow
And the blows fall
Please let me be
Let the tears flow
And the blows fall
This god of mine
I need you no more
Though common misconception says neigh
Please let me be
And give me flight
This god of mine
What power does yee yield
I have seen it all
But nothing of yours
This god of mine
I need some space
Reasons and room
Will be all you can offer
This god of mine
Please let me be
And let the tears flow
And the blows fall
This god of mine
Take off the cloak
And show your familiar face
I knew when I was young
This god of mine
Please give me back my sister
I never truly had
6/12/2006
Venting Creations
I need to vent
Through words and poems
I need to vent.
But instead it all comes out
Through water and sobs
Through anger and sadness
It all comes out
I need to vent
To friends and family
To ones that care
But no one is there
And my anger pushes them all away
I need to vent
I need support
From you and your rock solid shell
But there's a crack
And any more pressure will have you has damaged as I
I need to vent
I need support
I need to vent.
Through words and poems
I need to vent.
But instead it all comes out
Through water and sobs
Through anger and sadness
It all comes out
I need to vent
To friends and family
To ones that care
But no one is there
And my anger pushes them all away
I need to vent
I need support
From you and your rock solid shell
But there's a crack
And any more pressure will have you has damaged as I
I need to vent
I need support
I need to vent.
6/09/2006
F.Y.I.
A meaning less paper
With a dribble of words
Yet no one knows
I'm none the wiser
Burn the fire
Of all lost hope
Its light will reflect
For always in saphire
Help the poor
To get good marks
If no one's watchin
You'll help never more
The porverbial tree
In the empty firest
Makes no sound
So just let it be
It's a strange feeling
To lose it all
With no one left
To help with the cleaning
6/06/2006
5/25/2006
Ink Dragon
There are elves with magic horses and witches fighting vampires. Confused teens trying to figure life out and crazy killers arguing with themselves about right and wrong. Every day I live in here. Every day I escape to this. Create and mold, shape and hold. I love them and they love me. They are me and I am them. They are words, wondrous and magical words. On second thought, they are not really words, they are ink dragons. And they fly around my room at night, my dreams giving them flight.
5/10/2006
Hard and Fast
Hard and fast I fell
Like many times before
What makes this different
I ask myself
Than any time that past
It is the way I know not you
Nor the shield erected with careful precision
For years of hatred and pain
Shut up in a world so dark and cold
I long to see underneath it all
To poke and prod and have reaction
My touch does not reach beyond the shell
Please let my heat melt the ice
You have so long called it home
I need to see inside so much
Need to see the real you
But behind your walls you stay so still
With not so much as a whisper
Those tears of yours just freeze in place
To haunt you ever more
In silent dreams you waste
My love please let me in
Ask me naught, just please open
I need to feel that warmth
I know is down there, deep
For I grow colder still
Without your loving touch
Not only yourself do you wither down to naught
But I too shall follow suit
To live a life with out love
Because love has betrayed your heart time again
Is to live a life in silent tears
And resent loving sobs
Like many times before
What makes this different
I ask myself
Than any time that past
It is the way I know not you
Nor the shield erected with careful precision
For years of hatred and pain
Shut up in a world so dark and cold
I long to see underneath it all
To poke and prod and have reaction
My touch does not reach beyond the shell
Please let my heat melt the ice
You have so long called it home
I need to see inside so much
Need to see the real you
But behind your walls you stay so still
With not so much as a whisper
Those tears of yours just freeze in place
To haunt you ever more
In silent dreams you waste
My love please let me in
Ask me naught, just please open
I need to feel that warmth
I know is down there, deep
For I grow colder still
Without your loving touch
Not only yourself do you wither down to naught
But I too shall follow suit
To live a life with out love
Because love has betrayed your heart time again
Is to live a life in silent tears
And resent loving sobs
5/06/2006
Are We On The Same Page?
I find it funny how one person can give me so much joy
And that same person can turn my world upside-down
I find it peculiar how one person can save me from myself
And that same person hurts me without a second thought
And that same person can turn my world upside-down
I find it peculiar how one person can save me from myself
And that same person hurts me without a second thought
I find it odd how a bond can be made stronger than blood
And yet it can be ignored as easily as water
Do you?
And yet it can be ignored as easily as water
Do you?
4/19/2006
One for the Money
I am sitting here contemplating the meaning of life
I am disabled from the three ton weight on my shoulders
I can’t even stand up straight any more
One for all the misdeeds of the past
One fore the present
One for the future
I have no life in me any more
I can’t see me in the mirror
I can only see the molds
One for what I should be
One for what I should become
One for who I should talk to
I can’t read anymore
I can’t write anymore
I am forever stuck in the monotonies of my life
One for the closed door
One for the window
One for the locked closet
I am forcing every thing
I have nothing real anymore
I am cursing the blinking curser
One blink for reminder
One blink for urging
One blink for mockery
I am fearful of what can not be feared
I am falling off a three feet cliff
I hit the bottom over and over
One time for messing up
One time for an inevitable mess up
One time for the hell of it
I am punishable by death
I wish I did something wrong
I have nothing on the surfaces
One for cover up
One for protection
One so no one ever knows
I need a knife to cut this
I need to get away
I need to break down the walls
One in front stopping me from advancing
One to the right preventing a duck around
One to the left as a last resort
I turn around and go back
I relive the death and pain
I go all the way back to all my pasts
One for the suicide
One for the tears
One for the trauma
I am disabled from the three ton weight on my shoulders
I can’t even stand up straight any more
One for all the misdeeds of the past
One fore the present
One for the future
I have no life in me any more
I can’t see me in the mirror
I can only see the molds
One for what I should be
One for what I should become
One for who I should talk to
I can’t read anymore
I can’t write anymore
I am forever stuck in the monotonies of my life
One for the closed door
One for the window
One for the locked closet
I am forcing every thing
I have nothing real anymore
I am cursing the blinking curser
One blink for reminder
One blink for urging
One blink for mockery
I am fearful of what can not be feared
I am falling off a three feet cliff
I hit the bottom over and over
One time for messing up
One time for an inevitable mess up
One time for the hell of it
I am punishable by death
I wish I did something wrong
I have nothing on the surfaces
One for cover up
One for protection
One so no one ever knows
I need a knife to cut this
I need to get away
I need to break down the walls
One in front stopping me from advancing
One to the right preventing a duck around
One to the left as a last resort
I turn around and go back
I relive the death and pain
I go all the way back to all my pasts
One for the suicide
One for the tears
One for the trauma
4/05/2006
Right, Wrong, and Death
It was said, a long time ago, that perfection is not possible, that only one who can be serene with himself as he was born is perfect and that said perfection is only obtained in the mind of a man, not the form, thoughts, or actions. Yet society strived to be perfect and wanted every one to follow. Models were tall, sculpted, beautiful in every way imaginable, and became the role models of the world’s youth. Intelligence over stupidity, beauty over ugliness, height over stunted growth. These are what the leaders, the owners, the thinkers, the role models, all wanted and there for what every one else wanted. Perfect. It is only natural to want beauty, brains, and kindness in a mate and there for this is what is socially acceptable. After the out-lawing of same sex relations one who doesn’t follow the unwritten code of what is and what isn’t Socially Acceptable is instantly ostracized and casted out of said society. This is what the world has come to. This is the world that our fathers’ fought, died, and worked hard to make for us. This is the world that I live in.
But how, you ask, can one such as yourself feel this way? How can a truly perfect being feel that it is wrong to love and even worship perfect people? Because I, unlike you and your damned “Society”, am human. I feel things. I think things. And I do not follow any one that I am morally opposed to. Now you ask how can a killer, a being that was made for the destruction of other human beings, have things such as morals. This is how; we will all die. Weather it be today, tomorrow, next week, in fifty years or a hundred makes no difference. What you do on your last day on this retched earth does not make you who you are. It is what you have done in the past that matters. If you were ever asked “What will you do on your last day on Earth?” you should be able to respond “Nothing different than what I have done for the past twenty”. What you do is who you are and one damn day can’t, won’t, and never will change that. So, yes I am a killer, yes I have morals, yes I believe in right and wrong. But it is I who makes these morals, not society. It is I who decides what is right and wrong for myself. To decide for any one else would be a mental dictatorship and that is wrong, in my opinion.
But how, you ask, can one such as yourself feel this way? How can a truly perfect being feel that it is wrong to love and even worship perfect people? Because I, unlike you and your damned “Society”, am human. I feel things. I think things. And I do not follow any one that I am morally opposed to. Now you ask how can a killer, a being that was made for the destruction of other human beings, have things such as morals. This is how; we will all die. Weather it be today, tomorrow, next week, in fifty years or a hundred makes no difference. What you do on your last day on this retched earth does not make you who you are. It is what you have done in the past that matters. If you were ever asked “What will you do on your last day on Earth?” you should be able to respond “Nothing different than what I have done for the past twenty”. What you do is who you are and one damn day can’t, won’t, and never will change that. So, yes I am a killer, yes I have morals, yes I believe in right and wrong. But it is I who makes these morals, not society. It is I who decides what is right and wrong for myself. To decide for any one else would be a mental dictatorship and that is wrong, in my opinion.
Piano Man
Ivory on ivory, her slender fingers moved smoothly across the glistening keys of the piano. The composition was that of her own and it was for me, I knew that from the passion that she was playing with, but it was…well, it was sad, to say the least. Deep, depressing, hitting my soul like it were a bass drum and the music the padded mallet (though I still wonder how padded that mallet was this particular instance). I could not deny the beauty of it, for it was just that, but I could also not deny the emotion that it awakened in me like nothing else I had ever experienced. It may have been for me but it was by no means about me or our relationship in any way what so ever. Be that as it may, she kept playing as if it was, as if the piece that she had written was in fact a narrative of us, for nothing other the topic of our relationship had ever ignited a passion such as what I witnessed that day.
She ended it with a rather dramatic low key that hung in the air for several long moments while she sat, eyes closed and fingers poised as if she was not done. But then she set those delicate hands on her knees and hung her head, the effort it took to play like what she had just done too much for her already weakened soul. I went to her then, as quickly as I could I went to her side and lent her my shoulder to weep on, for I could do naught else to comfort the only being that has ever touched my heart the way that the late Christian had touched hers. Maybe I was wrong, maybe the piece was written for me after all but about him. Yes, that makes much more sense. How silly of me to think that she actually cared about me the way that she had done so towards him. He was, after all, her first true love, and I know as well as the next man that those are the hardest to forget, if indeed you ever do. I could never forget her the way that I am asking her to forget him. How damned selfish of me to think in such a way.
She ended it with a rather dramatic low key that hung in the air for several long moments while she sat, eyes closed and fingers poised as if she was not done. But then she set those delicate hands on her knees and hung her head, the effort it took to play like what she had just done too much for her already weakened soul. I went to her then, as quickly as I could I went to her side and lent her my shoulder to weep on, for I could do naught else to comfort the only being that has ever touched my heart the way that the late Christian had touched hers. Maybe I was wrong, maybe the piece was written for me after all but about him. Yes, that makes much more sense. How silly of me to think that she actually cared about me the way that she had done so towards him. He was, after all, her first true love, and I know as well as the next man that those are the hardest to forget, if indeed you ever do. I could never forget her the way that I am asking her to forget him. How damned selfish of me to think in such a way.
NOTICE
Ok, here's the deal; I have these really desrciptive shorty blups that I want some feedback on so this is no longer a poetry only blog. Hope you all enjoy these and for any one who is angry with me for giving into temptation and putting non-poetry on my blog, these do sort of have a poetry-ish vibe to them so deal with it.
3/25/2006
Catalyst Of Night
Catalytic behaviors consume
Can’t stop the need to change
Can’t fight the urge to stir
Must have something to do with the child hood
Must have something to do with the burns
Burns of an unforgotten past
Burns of a destructive future
Burns of an abusive present
And burns of my own hand in fate
Can’t stop the need to change
Can’t fight the urge to stir
Must have something to do with the child hood
Must have something to do with the burns
Burns of an unforgotten past
Burns of a destructive future
Burns of an abusive present
And burns of my own hand in fate
3/14/2006
Non Existent
Stone silence
Is all I ask for
A silent serenity
Of pure black
Oily in its consistency
Never ending
And never fading
Off into the retched gray
That seems to consume my life
I long for
A tragic ending
Of lost love
And dramatic death
That I may burry myself in
For ever and ever
Never to resurface
Never to darken the world
With my presence again
I await the end of time
Like an inevitable sunset
When all thoughts rest on one
And all eyes watch each other
A time of no time
Where this darkness presides
And I may find myself truly alone
In my fantasy
Where time is irrelevant
I am patiently impatient
Longing for what I may never have
And awaiting a time that may never come
In my cave of existence
I sit alone
Watching, waiting, listening
For a sign that may never come
A sign I know deep down
Never will
Is all I ask for
A silent serenity
Of pure black
Oily in its consistency
Never ending
And never fading
Off into the retched gray
That seems to consume my life
I long for
A tragic ending
Of lost love
And dramatic death
That I may burry myself in
For ever and ever
Never to resurface
Never to darken the world
With my presence again
I await the end of time
Like an inevitable sunset
When all thoughts rest on one
And all eyes watch each other
A time of no time
Where this darkness presides
And I may find myself truly alone
In my fantasy
Where time is irrelevant
I am patiently impatient
Longing for what I may never have
And awaiting a time that may never come
In my cave of existence
I sit alone
Watching, waiting, listening
For a sign that may never come
A sign I know deep down
Never will
Reminders
Sweet beauty
So soft and innocent
Please remind me
What it’s like
To be loved once more
Beautiful child
So free and careless
Please remind me
What it’s like
To be a child once more
Gentle angel
So sharp and deadly
Please remind me
What it’s like
To be that way once more
Oh harsh lover
Unfulfilled and willing
Please remind me
What it’s like
To be cared for once more
An ode to death
So dark and sinful
Please remind me
What it’s like
To live without hope once more
Reminders
So blunt and harsh
Please don’t let me forget
Who I am
And where I’ve been
So soft and innocent
Please remind me
What it’s like
To be loved once more
Beautiful child
So free and careless
Please remind me
What it’s like
To be a child once more
Gentle angel
So sharp and deadly
Please remind me
What it’s like
To be that way once more
Oh harsh lover
Unfulfilled and willing
Please remind me
What it’s like
To be cared for once more
An ode to death
So dark and sinful
Please remind me
What it’s like
To live without hope once more
Reminders
So blunt and harsh
Please don’t let me forget
Who I am
And where I’ve been
2/28/2006
Seductive Destruction
Sweet Kindling
Please take this pain
I can not bear its wrath
And I have no protection
From its harsh accusations
Soft Razor
Please give me direction
I am lost within this mess
With no where to go
And no map to guide me
Smooth Stoli
Please numb the pain
To a point beyond repair
I can’t take its incessant battering
Upon my already cracked skull
Supple Liquid
Please take my breath
It burns me inside
And I have no means
Of putting out the fire
Seductive Death
Please take me away
To a place beyond their reach
Where no one can find me
And solitude is my only enemy
Please take this pain
I can not bear its wrath
And I have no protection
From its harsh accusations
Soft Razor
Please give me direction
I am lost within this mess
With no where to go
And no map to guide me
Smooth Stoli
Please numb the pain
To a point beyond repair
I can’t take its incessant battering
Upon my already cracked skull
Supple Liquid
Please take my breath
It burns me inside
And I have no means
Of putting out the fire
Seductive Death
Please take me away
To a place beyond their reach
Where no one can find me
And solitude is my only enemy
2/16/2006
Scarred For Life
A scarlet tragedy
Unforeseen
And unwelcome
Trampling on what once was
A perfect life
A scarlet tragedy
Blinded by its attempts
To ruin a childhood
Untouched by future events
And unknowing of its effect
A scarlet tragedy
Cutting the flesh
That once was flawless
In its beauty
Is now scarred for life
Unforeseen
And unwelcome
Trampling on what once was
A perfect life
A scarlet tragedy
Blinded by its attempts
To ruin a childhood
Untouched by future events
And unknowing of its effect
A scarlet tragedy
Cutting the flesh
That once was flawless
In its beauty
Is now scarred for life
2/13/2006
Complications
A clinging veil
That sticks to all
Too many funerals
To count them all
Too many funerals
To remember them all
Can’t escape the ever changing world
Wish things were as they once were
With the things that complicate life
Seen through a child's eye
Unmasking all that lies
Unmasking all that's unsure
Wish it were like that again
With the little things giving us pleasure
No war, sex, or drugs
To complicate this already complicated life
This already complicated world
There’s no time
To cry over yesterday
No time to cry about tomorrow
No time to fret about today
Tell myself this
Every single day
Yet somehow I can's stop thinking
What if?
What if there was no war
And all we ever knew was peace
What if there were no drugs
And all we ever needed was life to be happy
What if we needed no one other than our selves?
To sustain our happiness
Because all that other people ever bring us
Is complications
That sticks to all
Too many funerals
To count them all
Too many funerals
To remember them all
Can’t escape the ever changing world
Wish things were as they once were
With the things that complicate life
Seen through a child's eye
Unmasking all that lies
Unmasking all that's unsure
Wish it were like that again
With the little things giving us pleasure
No war, sex, or drugs
To complicate this already complicated life
This already complicated world
There’s no time
To cry over yesterday
No time to cry about tomorrow
No time to fret about today
Tell myself this
Every single day
Yet somehow I can's stop thinking
What if?
What if there was no war
And all we ever knew was peace
What if there were no drugs
And all we ever needed was life to be happy
What if we needed no one other than our selves?
To sustain our happiness
Because all that other people ever bring us
Is complications
2/12/2006
Second Chapter
No hope left
In the heart of a hero
No hope left
In the heart of those needing a heroin
And without the hope
There is no chance
Of ever escaping
The binding chains
In the heart of a hero
No hope left
In the heart of those needing a heroin
And without the hope
There is no chance
Of ever escaping
The binding chains
First Chapter
Peace has disappeared
Overtaken by hatred
The government corrupted
By an unknown evil
Death is all around
Enveloping the one last hope
Pulling her to her knees
Against her will
She falls down
Chained to the floor
At the hands of a leader
Of the rebellion
Overtaken by hatred
The government corrupted
By an unknown evil
Death is all around
Enveloping the one last hope
Pulling her to her knees
Against her will
She falls down
Chained to the floor
At the hands of a leader
Of the rebellion
Broken
Broken glass on a broken floor
With broken windows and an uneven score
Broken doors on a broken frame
With broken hinges and unforgiving pain
Broken locks on a broken safe
With broken jewels not worth the wait
Broken bones to broken bodies
With a broken soul and unfulfilled bounties
With broken windows and an uneven score
Broken doors on a broken frame
With broken hinges and unforgiving pain
Broken locks on a broken safe
With broken jewels not worth the wait
Broken bones to broken bodies
With a broken soul and unfulfilled bounties
Irking Itches
Lately I’ve found
Myself silently screaming
Only to wish it was out loud
So I can drown out the lies
Hoping to find some sort of truth
Like having an itch
You can’t scratch
And every moment you spend
Thinking of how it irks you so
Is another moment that the pain grows
But not just the pain
Oh no, the urge to scratch
A vicious cycle
You only beat
By confiding your most
Inner thoughts
But you’re screaming
Too loud for any one to hear.
Myself silently screaming
Only to wish it was out loud
So I can drown out the lies
Hoping to find some sort of truth
Like having an itch
You can’t scratch
And every moment you spend
Thinking of how it irks you so
Is another moment that the pain grows
But not just the pain
Oh no, the urge to scratch
A vicious cycle
You only beat
By confiding your most
Inner thoughts
But you’re screaming
Too loud for any one to hear.
Story Of A Girl
There once was a girl
Who had fire red hair
And will of iron and stone
Who went out looking
For the one thing she couldn’t find
She searched in the houses
Of the ones she used to know
The ones who she once conversed with
The ones who once accepted her
And she looked in the basements
Of which she was confined
Of which she was cast off to
Where few knew her name
And she looked in the attics
Where all who were once great
Were now forgotten
And cast off as she once had
And she searched for this thing
In every nook and every cranny
In the cobwebs and the dust
Of forgotten books
And she looked for this thing
In the ripped and torn pages
In the numerous volumes and editions
Of these forgotten tales
She came across a story
That caught her eye instantly
A tale of love and devotion
A tale of truth and pride
And it was in these pages that she found
The thing she had been searching for
The thing that had been eluding her
And she smiled to herself
For this story was one of a fairy tale
A fictitious tale
Of things non existent
Of things one can only dream of
And it was in these pages that she found it;
The answer to life and every thing in it
The answer to all her questions
The thing she had been searching for
There once was a girl with fire red hair
Who spent her whole life searching
For the one thing she couldn’t find
The one thing that was actually in her grasp
Who had fire red hair
And will of iron and stone
Who went out looking
For the one thing she couldn’t find
She searched in the houses
Of the ones she used to know
The ones who she once conversed with
The ones who once accepted her
And she looked in the basements
Of which she was confined
Of which she was cast off to
Where few knew her name
And she looked in the attics
Where all who were once great
Were now forgotten
And cast off as she once had
And she searched for this thing
In every nook and every cranny
In the cobwebs and the dust
Of forgotten books
And she looked for this thing
In the ripped and torn pages
In the numerous volumes and editions
Of these forgotten tales
She came across a story
That caught her eye instantly
A tale of love and devotion
A tale of truth and pride
And it was in these pages that she found
The thing she had been searching for
The thing that had been eluding her
And she smiled to herself
For this story was one of a fairy tale
A fictitious tale
Of things non existent
Of things one can only dream of
And it was in these pages that she found it;
The answer to life and every thing in it
The answer to all her questions
The thing she had been searching for
There once was a girl with fire red hair
Who spent her whole life searching
For the one thing she couldn’t find
The one thing that was actually in her grasp
Looking Through The Glass
To see the world
Cracked and broken
To see through
THe fiery veil
Is to the see the world
Unknown and lost
To see the world
How it was meant to be
Underneath It All
Under the skin
Pulled lose to hide it
There lies a dark secret
That no one is allowed to see
Under the lies
Pulled tight around the outside
There lies a humble sleeper
That no one is allowed to wake
Under the stories
Pilled on high and laid on thick
There lies a warm creature
That no one is allowed to cool down
What lies beneath
The leather
The thick blanket of lies
The comforting stories?
No one will ever know
Just like you all intended
But where do the lies stop
And the truth begins
When can we wake up the warm beast
And bear its wrath
When will we be able to see beyond
The ever blurring line
So we know that we can or can not pass
Pulled lose to hide it
There lies a dark secret
That no one is allowed to see
Under the lies
Pulled tight around the outside
There lies a humble sleeper
That no one is allowed to wake
Under the stories
Pilled on high and laid on thick
There lies a warm creature
That no one is allowed to cool down
What lies beneath
The leather
The thick blanket of lies
The comforting stories?
No one will ever know
Just like you all intended
But where do the lies stop
And the truth begins
When can we wake up the warm beast
And bear its wrath
When will we be able to see beyond
The ever blurring line
So we know that we can or can not pass
The Last Chapter
And she took up her bearings
In an ever raging battle
The smoke blooming around her feet
Like a time lapsed photo
Ever changing
And never losing strife
Her sword clenched in fist
She walked on
Through the muck and the mud
The dirt and the grime
Through the dead and the dying
She walked on
In an ever raging battle
The smoke blooming around her feet
Like a time lapsed photo
Ever changing
And never losing strife
Her sword clenched in fist
She walked on
Through the muck and the mud
The dirt and the grime
Through the dead and the dying
She walked on
Life Goes On
The blood is spilt
The deed is done
The tears are cried
And life goes on
The book is creased
The pages torn
The heart is scarred
And life goes on
The paper is ripped
The picture ruined
The soul is broken
And life goes on
The bed is made
The table clean
The house is tidy
And life goes on
The sigh is heaved
The breath torn out
The skin is cut
And life goes on
The death is mourned
The corpse is buried
The grave is set
And life goes on
The words are spoken
The heart is broken
The mind is set
And life goes on
The knees are week
The eyes unsure
The will is strong
And life goes on
The paper published
The world now knows
The secret’s out
And life does stop
The deed is done
The tears are cried
And life goes on
The book is creased
The pages torn
The heart is scarred
And life goes on
The paper is ripped
The picture ruined
The soul is broken
And life goes on
The bed is made
The table clean
The house is tidy
And life goes on
The sigh is heaved
The breath torn out
The skin is cut
And life goes on
The death is mourned
The corpse is buried
The grave is set
And life goes on
The words are spoken
The heart is broken
The mind is set
And life goes on
The knees are week
The eyes unsure
The will is strong
And life goes on
The paper published
The world now knows
The secret’s out
And life does stop
Love As We Know It
Give it all away
To one you love
Risk your sanity
For one’s happiness
Toss your pennies
Into the wishing well
For a complete stranger
You know inside out
Dangle on the edge
Holding a thread
That keeps them stable
But what happens when it breaks?
They will fall
And you tip
Into what lies below
Only they will know
It is worth it though
The pain and hurt
For their content
Keeps you sane
A kind of relation
Thicker than blood
A kind of bond
Only the two will know
And you think
How can I live without you?
When at one time
You did, and you lived
So what does it mean?
Underneath it all
Beneath the false masks
And untruthful tales
It means that you will
Never be apart
Even miles away
Even through the bad, and the worst
It means that you will
Go on living
Even after they have passed
For you have done before, will do it again
It means that there is
No meaning to it all
Just let it be
Just let it go
“It doesn’t mean a god damn thing in the world” – Home Room
To one you love
Risk your sanity
For one’s happiness
Toss your pennies
Into the wishing well
For a complete stranger
You know inside out
Dangle on the edge
Holding a thread
That keeps them stable
But what happens when it breaks?
They will fall
And you tip
Into what lies below
Only they will know
It is worth it though
The pain and hurt
For their content
Keeps you sane
A kind of relation
Thicker than blood
A kind of bond
Only the two will know
And you think
How can I live without you?
When at one time
You did, and you lived
So what does it mean?
Underneath it all
Beneath the false masks
And untruthful tales
It means that you will
Never be apart
Even miles away
Even through the bad, and the worst
It means that you will
Go on living
Even after they have passed
For you have done before, will do it again
It means that there is
No meaning to it all
Just let it be
Just let it go
“It doesn’t mean a god damn thing in the world” – Home Room
Absolute Secrets
Some look all their lives for one thing that is lost in this world
Hoping to find an answer to life’s biggest question; Why?
A question we have been asking since the infamous ‘Why stage’ in life
Where the only question we can ask is why.
And so I ask you this; Why?
Why do some people yurn for the feeling of remorse
The feeling that makes them human
The thing that makes us feel in the first place
The thing that makes us hole again
After our very being has been torn to a point beyond repair
While others yurn to feel nothing
They hope day and night to feel peace within themselves
After years of feeling have made them raw and vulnerable
To the harsh and almost unbearable reality
Of this world we live in, we created
To find a perfect medium is forbidden
In a world full of absolutes
Black and white lives full of gray contemplation
Gray that is not allowed out of the house
Yet into the streets it spills, staining all it touches.
And I welcome it with open arms
A breath of fresh air so to speak
A cool warmth I have longed for in inferno ice of life
The color of absolutely nothing
And the absolute opposite of what is right, yet there is no wrong
And so the truth of its being is lost, as all truth has become.
As I said before, we search for the one thing that is truly lost in this world
Without prevailing we wonder on
In a never ending quest for only we know what
Yet we are forbidden to speak of it for fear of condemtion, a condemtion we secretly want.
Hoping to find an answer to life’s biggest question; Why?
A question we have been asking since the infamous ‘Why stage’ in life
Where the only question we can ask is why.
And so I ask you this; Why?
Why do some people yurn for the feeling of remorse
The feeling that makes them human
The thing that makes us feel in the first place
The thing that makes us hole again
After our very being has been torn to a point beyond repair
While others yurn to feel nothing
They hope day and night to feel peace within themselves
After years of feeling have made them raw and vulnerable
To the harsh and almost unbearable reality
Of this world we live in, we created
To find a perfect medium is forbidden
In a world full of absolutes
Black and white lives full of gray contemplation
Gray that is not allowed out of the house
Yet into the streets it spills, staining all it touches.
And I welcome it with open arms
A breath of fresh air so to speak
A cool warmth I have longed for in inferno ice of life
The color of absolutely nothing
And the absolute opposite of what is right, yet there is no wrong
And so the truth of its being is lost, as all truth has become.
As I said before, we search for the one thing that is truly lost in this world
Without prevailing we wonder on
In a never ending quest for only we know what
Yet we are forbidden to speak of it for fear of condemtion, a condemtion we secretly want.
Dead To Me
Dear mommy don’t be sad
I know that daddy is ganna be mad
But I wish that this wasn’t so
Wish that I hadn’t died so long ago
So please mommy do not worry
I know that I left in such a hurry
Didn’t have a chance to even say goodbye
Guess now you’ll just have to get by
Tell daddy that I miss him too
Tell him I didn’t forget the zoo
And all the fun that we had in the parks
Wish he didn’t have to make those remarks
And don’t think that I forgot of Caitlyn
To forget such a pretty face would be a sin
I love you so much do not forget
I hope that you haven’t left mommy yet
I know this must be very hard
To let me be on my own without your guard
But now I must leave, to finally be free
I’m sorry this is how it’s going to be
I bid you all good well
May you walk sturdy unlike me when I fell
I shall not see you after this
Please, don’t waist your time and miss
You are dead to me now
Have been for a while I now know
You are dead to me
Please, open your eyes and see
I know that daddy is ganna be mad
But I wish that this wasn’t so
Wish that I hadn’t died so long ago
So please mommy do not worry
I know that I left in such a hurry
Didn’t have a chance to even say goodbye
Guess now you’ll just have to get by
Tell daddy that I miss him too
Tell him I didn’t forget the zoo
And all the fun that we had in the parks
Wish he didn’t have to make those remarks
And don’t think that I forgot of Caitlyn
To forget such a pretty face would be a sin
I love you so much do not forget
I hope that you haven’t left mommy yet
I know this must be very hard
To let me be on my own without your guard
But now I must leave, to finally be free
I’m sorry this is how it’s going to be
I bid you all good well
May you walk sturdy unlike me when I fell
I shall not see you after this
Please, don’t waist your time and miss
You are dead to me now
Have been for a while I now know
You are dead to me
Please, open your eyes and see
Falling Memories
So this is how
The autumn leaf falls
In rays of broken orange
And may all bear whiteness
The crimson tidings
The dead and crumpled bring
So this is how
The snow crystal falls
In unwavering silver shards
Yet this young beauty
Will not last long
Warm breath will take it away
So this is how
The lone tear falls
In ominous casted shadows
How one small tear
Can bring a river
Of breathtaking sorrow
The autumn leaf falls
In rays of broken orange
And may all bear whiteness
The crimson tidings
The dead and crumpled bring
So this is how
The snow crystal falls
In unwavering silver shards
Yet this young beauty
Will not last long
Warm breath will take it away
So this is how
The lone tear falls
In ominous casted shadows
How one small tear
Can bring a river
Of breathtaking sorrow
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