I’m flying, now
I’m falling down too
Dark abyss, that’s
To cliché for me
That’s the truth, and
It’s complete bull
So I’m giving up, now
I’m giving in too
This. Love is so lost
So I must, have I
Lost the Game yet?
11/20/2008
10/17/2008
9/25/2008
There’s a cold fire
And I’m naked
There’s a warm heart
And I’m still frozen
And you’ll never, never get it
And you’ll never, never make it
There’s a cold fire
And I’m stranded
There’s a warm heart
And I’m still immune
And you’ll never, never get it
And you’ll never, never make it
And there’s a cold fire
That will sputter
And There’s a warm heart
That will cool down
And you’ll never, never get it
And you’ll never, never make it
And I’m naked
There’s a warm heart
And I’m still frozen
And you’ll never, never get it
And you’ll never, never make it
There’s a cold fire
And I’m stranded
There’s a warm heart
And I’m still immune
And you’ll never, never get it
And you’ll never, never make it
And there’s a cold fire
That will sputter
And There’s a warm heart
That will cool down
And you’ll never, never get it
And you’ll never, never make it
9/16/2008
Last winter I was sleeping in my sister's room. I couldn't sleep in my room, still don't know why. Anyways, when the trees are all bare, and the sky behind them is gray with the snow clouds the branches look like silhouettes against it. Over winter break, when Justin left, I would lie in my sister's room and stare at the trees. Everything felt so cold. From the one window the way the branches laid against each other, I could see a woman's face in them. She seemed so sad, like the trees themselves were holding her down, keeping her there. And when the wind blew it looked like she was trying to escape. But she never could. I would lie there for hours staring at her, staring at the blank gray spaces that were her eyes. The sky is that same gray color, a white that's not really white, but there are leaves still. Makes me wonder if she's still there, or if the trees grew and she finally got out.
9/01/2008
Waiting
Patiently impatient
For a dream that may never come
She says it’s a nightmare
Says it’s not something I really want
But I know how this heart of mine works
By this point in time
I know how this heart of mine works
Well enough to know
This dream of mine
Is not the terror of demons she speaks
Nor the ugly tragedy she denies
But rather the dream I long for
The dream I’ll wait for
Full of beauty in a bloody guise
Hatred wearing a mask of lies
All of which I yearn to see the truth in
But more than that
I’ll wait for the day she gives up willingly
The day she’ll stop fighting with herself
Stop fighting with me
And give me my dream of her own accord
For a dream that may never come
She says it’s a nightmare
Says it’s not something I really want
But I know how this heart of mine works
By this point in time
I know how this heart of mine works
Well enough to know
This dream of mine
Is not the terror of demons she speaks
Nor the ugly tragedy she denies
But rather the dream I long for
The dream I’ll wait for
Full of beauty in a bloody guise
Hatred wearing a mask of lies
All of which I yearn to see the truth in
But more than that
I’ll wait for the day she gives up willingly
The day she’ll stop fighting with herself
Stop fighting with me
And give me my dream of her own accord
8/21/2008
In response to; http://mjrh2008.blogspot.com/2008/08/on-my-sleeve.html
She’d wear her heart out on her sleeve
If she wasn’t so afraid
Of who may come and snatch it up
So she holds it close to her chest
In a feeble attempt to keep it whole
She never meant to wear her heart out on her sleeve
Now she sees I’ve taken it
And she can’t ask to have it back
Can only hope I keep it all intact
I never meant to steal her heart
Never could have asked to hold it
Not really sure how this all happened
Nor where we go from here
But I promise that I will keep it safe
Protect it from harm and keep it warm
Cradle it in my hands
Until the day comes that she builds up the courage
To ask for it to placed back on her sleeve
She’d wear her heart out on her sleeve
If she wasn’t so afraid
Of who may come and snatch it up
So she holds it close to her chest
In a feeble attempt to keep it whole
She never meant to wear her heart out on her sleeve
Now she sees I’ve taken it
And she can’t ask to have it back
Can only hope I keep it all intact
I never meant to steal her heart
Never could have asked to hold it
Not really sure how this all happened
Nor where we go from here
But I promise that I will keep it safe
Protect it from harm and keep it warm
Cradle it in my hands
Until the day comes that she builds up the courage
To ask for it to placed back on her sleeve
8/18/2008
8/03/2008
8/01/2008
I remember the little things, the things that no one else does, the things that when brought up in a conversation gets looks and comments such as “No, it was purple, not yellow” just because that person doesn’t want to admit to having forgotten the color of the flowers. This is both a blessing and a curse in that being a writer it helps when I am doing something descriptive and a curse because I am only a teenager and there for my thoughts on the subject are quickly thrown aside just like the dead yellow flowers. I guess, now that I think about it, my stubbornness doesn’t help much either.
My grandmother died when I was ten. That’s not to long ago for me being only fifteen. I should remember it clearly, right? Nope, not me. I don’t remember what I wore or what my family wore for that matter other than the safe assumption that it was black. I don’t remember what she was in either. I know I didn’t cry. And I remember sitting down in the basement of our funeral home holding a styrofoam cup with sugar and some coffee with my dad sitting next to me with a styrofoam cup half full of pure black liquid. I remember sitting in the front row. I had, and have, gone to a lot of funerals but never before had I sat in the front row. I didn’t, and still don’t, know any of the people’s names who attended even though I see them often. I should. I just don’t. And I remember, more clearly than any thing else, an old lady sitting in the back of the room with a large purple hat. She was old, older than dirt, and as I sat staring at her not caring because I was a ten year old kid, all I could think was ‘she should be in that casket, not Baba’. I saw her in church the following week and she was wearing the large purple hat again. I think she may be dead now, but I don’t know. I don’t even know her name. But when ever I think of my grandmother’s funeral all that comes to mind is what I thought about that women. And her large purple hat.
My grandmother died when I was ten. That’s not to long ago for me being only fifteen. I should remember it clearly, right? Nope, not me. I don’t remember what I wore or what my family wore for that matter other than the safe assumption that it was black. I don’t remember what she was in either. I know I didn’t cry. And I remember sitting down in the basement of our funeral home holding a styrofoam cup with sugar and some coffee with my dad sitting next to me with a styrofoam cup half full of pure black liquid. I remember sitting in the front row. I had, and have, gone to a lot of funerals but never before had I sat in the front row. I didn’t, and still don’t, know any of the people’s names who attended even though I see them often. I should. I just don’t. And I remember, more clearly than any thing else, an old lady sitting in the back of the room with a large purple hat. She was old, older than dirt, and as I sat staring at her not caring because I was a ten year old kid, all I could think was ‘she should be in that casket, not Baba’. I saw her in church the following week and she was wearing the large purple hat again. I think she may be dead now, but I don’t know. I don’t even know her name. But when ever I think of my grandmother’s funeral all that comes to mind is what I thought about that women. And her large purple hat.
7/30/2008
once again lost for a title...
I’d tell you my plan
But I’m too afraid you’d find some way to foil it
With a broken heart
And a will that’s long gone
I’m confident of your ability
To step aside
When danger comes rushing in
So I’m gonna keep quiet
Mind my own
And keep you in the corner of my eye
Peripheral vision keeping tabs
Of you and your every move
And while I may lose track every once in a while
I am sill always here
Watching
Waiting
And soon you’ll see my plan
Unfold like a burning piece of paper
And it will all be so clear to you
So you will ask yourself
How could I have missed it?
And there is only one answer
The answer I just so happen to be hoping for;
Love blinds us
But I’m too afraid you’d find some way to foil it
With a broken heart
And a will that’s long gone
I’m confident of your ability
To step aside
When danger comes rushing in
So I’m gonna keep quiet
Mind my own
And keep you in the corner of my eye
Peripheral vision keeping tabs
Of you and your every move
And while I may lose track every once in a while
I am sill always here
Watching
Waiting
And soon you’ll see my plan
Unfold like a burning piece of paper
And it will all be so clear to you
So you will ask yourself
How could I have missed it?
And there is only one answer
The answer I just so happen to be hoping for;
Love blinds us
7/22/2008
I can't do this. I can't sit here and get called selfish and self centered and unkind and a bitch by my own mother while he is on the other side of the world. I can't love someone who I can't touch, who I can't hold. I can't do this. I can't have him as my only source of strength, sitting there thinking to myself I'll talk to him soon and everything will okay again. I can't put everything I have on him, give everything I am to him. I can't wait for him only to have him leave again. I can't wait for over a year for my life to start. I can't do this. So how the hell am I? Tell me how I sat there literally biting my tongue, the inside of my cheek all torn up now, when she talked? How did I not scream at the top of my lungs? How am I doing this? And how do I make it easier?
7/17/2008
I think we live our lives in other people's hearts and minds. Alone by ourselves we're not very much good at all. But when we let someone else in with their stories and all their sights and sounds and songs and smells and sensations, we suddenly start filling our shelves and boxes with books and books of them and building up our libraries.
Some of these books are pretty thin reading with faded ink and hardly any pictures and dull stories. And then others are nice, heavy little volumes filled with stories of our pasts and our futures and everything we know and everything we don't, printed and bound, fresh and new and clean.
It's nice when one of these books falls into your hands. It's nice when you read through the first few pages and know it's going to be a good one, and you settle down and know you've got pages and pages to go.
Some of these books are pretty thin reading with faded ink and hardly any pictures and dull stories. And then others are nice, heavy little volumes filled with stories of our pasts and our futures and everything we know and everything we don't, printed and bound, fresh and new and clean.
It's nice when one of these books falls into your hands. It's nice when you read through the first few pages and know it's going to be a good one, and you settle down and know you've got pages and pages to go.
7/15/2008
No idea what to title it....
Poor boy take a deep breath now
It’s a long way down for you to fall
And you already took the jump
Like a man with nothing to lose
Stepped over the edge and hoped for the worse
And it’s all coming clear to you now
That you were just a young boy
With a foolish man’s heart
So take a deep breath now
Because it’s far too late to turn back
You will see the faces
Of those who turned against you
And the faces of those you never knew
It’s a long way down to fall
And you’re not the first to travel
With the thought that this is the easy way
Path of least resistance
And for a man with nothing to lose
You’d have been right in your thinking
But it’s far too late to turn around
And it’s all out on the line now
Poor boy take a deep breath now
And hold on tight to the things you cling to
Because it’s a long way down to fall
And you’re only just beginning
Silly man close your eyes now
There’s nothing left for you to see
You’ve done it all, or so you say
So why are you still standing?
With a heart so heavy it’s in your toes
And a mind you worn out long ago
You thought you were done with this thing called life
Thought there was nothing left to do but fall
No effort left to exert
Nothing left to do but sigh
So silly man close your eyes now
Because as far as I’m concerned
It’s all over for you
You gave up on this thing called life
Jumped off the ride before it was over
Such a pity the fall didn’t kill you
Because now you’re broken and dying
With nothing left to do
And no one there to help you
Silly man close your eyes now
Wait for it all to end
There’s nothing left for you to see
So why are you still standing?
Foolish lover hold her tight
She’ll fall from your grasp
If you don’t hold her upright
It’s a sad world today
That this is what’s required of you
But it’s the best you both can get
When you’re that far gone
Watch her carefully
And fend off her demons
And she’ll give you something to see
She’ll slow the fall you dread so much
If only you can give her
A chance to breathe
So hold on tight to the girl
And she’ll give you what you need
But be weary of her past
A sad world it is
That this is what you get
But it’s the best you both can do
When you’re that far gone
Foolish lover hold her tight
And she’ll never let you go
Won’t let you fall
Won’t let you close your eyes.
It’s a long way down for you to fall
And you already took the jump
Like a man with nothing to lose
Stepped over the edge and hoped for the worse
And it’s all coming clear to you now
That you were just a young boy
With a foolish man’s heart
So take a deep breath now
Because it’s far too late to turn back
You will see the faces
Of those who turned against you
And the faces of those you never knew
It’s a long way down to fall
And you’re not the first to travel
With the thought that this is the easy way
Path of least resistance
And for a man with nothing to lose
You’d have been right in your thinking
But it’s far too late to turn around
And it’s all out on the line now
Poor boy take a deep breath now
And hold on tight to the things you cling to
Because it’s a long way down to fall
And you’re only just beginning
Silly man close your eyes now
There’s nothing left for you to see
You’ve done it all, or so you say
So why are you still standing?
With a heart so heavy it’s in your toes
And a mind you worn out long ago
You thought you were done with this thing called life
Thought there was nothing left to do but fall
No effort left to exert
Nothing left to do but sigh
So silly man close your eyes now
Because as far as I’m concerned
It’s all over for you
You gave up on this thing called life
Jumped off the ride before it was over
Such a pity the fall didn’t kill you
Because now you’re broken and dying
With nothing left to do
And no one there to help you
Silly man close your eyes now
Wait for it all to end
There’s nothing left for you to see
So why are you still standing?
Foolish lover hold her tight
She’ll fall from your grasp
If you don’t hold her upright
It’s a sad world today
That this is what’s required of you
But it’s the best you both can get
When you’re that far gone
Watch her carefully
And fend off her demons
And she’ll give you something to see
She’ll slow the fall you dread so much
If only you can give her
A chance to breathe
So hold on tight to the girl
And she’ll give you what you need
But be weary of her past
A sad world it is
That this is what you get
But it’s the best you both can do
When you’re that far gone
Foolish lover hold her tight
And she’ll never let you go
Won’t let you fall
Won’t let you close your eyes.
6/18/2008
Crayons
"Life is like a box of crayons. Most people are the 8-color boxes, but what you're really looking for are the 64-color boxes with the sharpeners on the back. I fancy myself to be a 64-color box, though I've got a few missing. It's okay though, because I've got some more vibrant colors like periwinkle at my disposal. I have a bit of a problem though in that I can only meet the 8-color boxes. Does anyone else have that problem? I mean there are so many different colors of life, of feeling, of articulation.. so when I meet someone who's an 8-color type.. I'm like, 'hey girl, magenta!' and she's like, 'oh, you mean purple!' and she goes off on her purple thing, and I'm like, 'no - I want magenta!'"
6/16/2008
6/11/2008
5/30/2008
If Only
I could fly
High above this place
I could fly from here
Clip the trees and graze the water
And get away
If I had wings
I could drive
So far from this place
I could drive from here
Floor the gas and rev the engine
And get away
If I had a car
I could leave
Anywhere but this place
I could leave from here
Pack my bags and say goodbye
And get away
If I had the will
High above this place
I could fly from here
Clip the trees and graze the water
And get away
If I had wings
I could drive
So far from this place
I could drive from here
Floor the gas and rev the engine
And get away
If I had a car
I could leave
Anywhere but this place
I could leave from here
Pack my bags and say goodbye
And get away
If I had the will
5/26/2008
Emily: eh, I'm alright
Greg: I dont get that impression
Emily: haha, shhh you aren't supposed to see past my fake chipper-ness
Greg: whoops, my bad
Emily: nah, I'm not really upset. Or at least not really. I am just marveling at the fact that when I should be angry with someone, I instead find the behavior that should prompt said anger incredibly cute in an endearing way
Greg: I dont get that impression
Emily: haha, shhh you aren't supposed to see past my fake chipper-ness
Greg: whoops, my bad
Emily: nah, I'm not really upset. Or at least not really. I am just marveling at the fact that when I should be angry with someone, I instead find the behavior that should prompt said anger incredibly cute in an endearing way
5/24/2008
5/23/2008
Say things I want so badly to believe
And at times I do
They seep into my skin,
Past the walls and the protections
Crumbling my reserve like hot water over ice
But I’m not done with these precautions
They have yet to finish serving me
So what happens when they are gone,
And I’m left without their aid?
Where will you be,
When I’m in the greatest need?
I call out your name
And all I hear in response
Are the echoes of a long forgotten past
I wish so badly to remember
And at times I do
They seep into my skin,
Past the walls and the protections
Crumbling my reserve like hot water over ice
But I’m not done with these precautions
They have yet to finish serving me
So what happens when they are gone,
And I’m left without their aid?
Where will you be,
When I’m in the greatest need?
I call out your name
And all I hear in response
Are the echoes of a long forgotten past
I wish so badly to remember
5/21/2008
Intelligence vs. Wisdom
The problem of discussing "wisdom" is that everyone's had at least a few
thoughts they consider "wise". In many cases they've gone through a lot
of hell to acquire whatever lesson they learned, and they really don't
want to hear that they've learned the wrong lesson from it. If you have
the misfortune to meet an "intelligent" person who's learned the lesson
that facility with verbal argument isn't smartness but rather "a fancier
kind of stupid", as Spider Robinson put it, good luck ever convincing
them that there's any kind of intelligence that actually works! They've
given up their pride to come to that conclusion, they've been hit over
the head by stark reality, they've gone through hell to arrive at that
one crumb of wisdom and by damn they've earned the right to be smug
about it. If you're foolish enough to think there's any kind of
intelligence that really works, you must not have gone through what they
did; you must be too proud to admit your own folly; you must not be
wise. I don't know how to dig people out of that trap
5/02/2008
4/28/2008
Truth?
What is truth? Do we create it ourselves? Is it manmade, a structure created by these hands? Can it bend, can it be molded? And if it bends into something new, is that truth as well? Doesn't it have to be if it was made from truth to start with? So does that mean that a truth molded and morphed by our own minds is then, in the end, truth itself? If this is so, we create our own truths. Does that also mean that we can create new truths all together? I hope so, because I do not like this current thing that is true in my mind, and I want so badly to change it. What does it take to change the truth?
4/22/2008
The Way I See It
What could be better?
Than the perfect great escape
Take your pick
Of
New frontiers
My body is screaming and
My memory is shot
Oh, the places I’ll go
With
This true magic
Than the perfect great escape
Take your pick
Of
New frontiers
My body is screaming and
My memory is shot
Oh, the places I’ll go
With
This true magic
4/13/2008
4/08/2008
untitled 3/11/08 part II
It’s warm in my room
As you sneak to my bed
Chilled fingertips wake me
And you catch my stare
We sit in silence
For nothing needs to be said
It’s warm in my room
As you hold me tight
Soft kiss keeps me awake
And you whisper in my ear
Nothing at all
For nothing needs to be said
It’s warm in my chest
As you smile goodnight
Heartbeat sings me to sleep
And your rhythm is the only sound
That echoes silently
For nothing needs to be said
As you sneak to my bed
Chilled fingertips wake me
And you catch my stare
We sit in silence
For nothing needs to be said
It’s warm in my room
As you hold me tight
Soft kiss keeps me awake
And you whisper in my ear
Nothing at all
For nothing needs to be said
It’s warm in my chest
As you smile goodnight
Heartbeat sings me to sleep
And your rhythm is the only sound
That echoes silently
For nothing needs to be said
4/02/2008
3/30/2008
You can't really fail at life, nor can you pass at life either. It's a ride, and at the end we all get off no matter what happened, no matter how many twists and curves it took us on. the best we can do is enjoy it while it lasts, try not to puke when it turns us upside down, and not fear that final stop
3/25/2008
That's No Bomb Fire You See
Tonight’s the night the world dies
So sharpen your knifes
And load your guns
Because there’s a fight brewing here
Pick a side and pray to a god
We all know doesn’t exist
For the strength to continue
Throughout all hours of darkness
Because tonight’s the night the world will burn
And baby I do hope you picked the right side
So sharpen your knifes
And load your guns
Because there’s a fight brewing here
Pick a side and pray to a god
We all know doesn’t exist
For the strength to continue
Throughout all hours of darkness
Because tonight’s the night the world will burn
And baby I do hope you picked the right side
3/22/2008
3/19/2008
Untitled
I can see the bottle
Laying there so innocent
I remember thinking
It’s all in good fun
I can taste the bitterness
A sticky substance
Left over in the very air
I remember thinking
It would all pass with time
I can hear the sobs
She’s weeping for him
I remember thinking
Not too long ago
That it was her fault as well
But now I see the poison
Seeping into parched veins
I remember the past
And it is all coming together now
I can hear the singing now
Ringing in the air
Like some fucked up anthem
I remember the past
What happened so many nights
When it was all in good fun
Until the ugliness set in
And I can see she weeps
For not only him
But for me as well
Laying there so innocent
I remember thinking
It’s all in good fun
I can taste the bitterness
A sticky substance
Left over in the very air
I remember thinking
It would all pass with time
I can hear the sobs
She’s weeping for him
I remember thinking
Not too long ago
That it was her fault as well
But now I see the poison
Seeping into parched veins
I remember the past
And it is all coming together now
I can hear the singing now
Ringing in the air
Like some fucked up anthem
I remember the past
What happened so many nights
When it was all in good fun
Until the ugliness set in
And I can see she weeps
For not only him
But for me as well
3/16/2008
I thought I had found it
Then I thought I had lost it
Thought it would die
Like it did the last time
Thought that it would be
Much harder to find the next time
Thought that it was all over
With that one loss
Didn’t realize my eyes were closed
Thought that I was looking
And I thought that I could see
Didn’t realize that I was sleeping
And you were there all along
Then I thought I had lost it
Thought it would die
Like it did the last time
Thought that it would be
Much harder to find the next time
Thought that it was all over
With that one loss
Didn’t realize my eyes were closed
Thought that I was looking
And I thought that I could see
Didn’t realize that I was sleeping
And you were there all along
3/14/2008
Red Dawn
Things are changing
With this dawn up ahead
Things lost and things gained
It will never be
What it once was
Because things are changing
Moving and morphing
And I am afraid
That it is all coming too fast
For me to grasp
With this dawn up ahead
Things lost and things gained
It will never be
What it once was
Because things are changing
Moving and morphing
And I am afraid
That it is all coming too fast
For me to grasp
3/11/2008
untitled
It’s cold in your room
As I sneak to your bed
A gentle touch
To bring you back
And your eyes are screaming
It’s cold in your room
But you whisper warm breath
Say all the right things
And it’s just what I needed to hear
To bring me back
It’s cold in my room
And I don’t know where you are
‘Cause you’re saying
Just what I don’t want to hear
But it’s not enough
To wake me up
As I sneak to your bed
A gentle touch
To bring you back
And your eyes are screaming
It’s cold in your room
But you whisper warm breath
Say all the right things
And it’s just what I needed to hear
To bring me back
It’s cold in my room
And I don’t know where you are
‘Cause you’re saying
Just what I don’t want to hear
But it’s not enough
To wake me up
3/07/2008
2/21/2008
Question:
What's the first name that comes to mind when you hear "You are the only thing that makes sense"?
2/20/2008
Characteristics of an Ink Dragon
Restless nights shadow stress filled days
These words are forced, can’t you tell?
A pen with no hand to stain black
For that hand is shaking too much to control
The flowing script I’ve grown to hate
Meaningless dribble, that’s what this is
A story with no depth
Simply pretty painted images
For shallow hearts and empty heads
So why do I write with such colorful purposes
If all who reads can’t make out the big words
Overly pretentious couplings
Of things I once believed
Why do I write my heart on these pages
If all who reads have the sole intentions of damage
And is it wrong for me to find humor here?
In the irony of my own actions?
For I do, and I can’t help it
I bet if you thought hard enough you would see it too
Tucked bellow for special eyes only
Beneath the gaily drawn dragons
There lies a hungry beast
Is it not funny to see people drawn to this?
Is it not right for me to laugh
At blissful ignorance held taut on the surface?
Stretched tight to hide
even though the result is far from concealing
So I laugh at this, and at myself
For having attempted to change
The nature of these things
For having attempted to mold
A brick into something beautiful
For these are my words
And these are my thoughts
And there is no dragon for me to unveil
And there is no ink from which I would sculpt
These words are forced, can’t you tell?
A pen with no hand to stain black
For that hand is shaking too much to control
The flowing script I’ve grown to hate
Meaningless dribble, that’s what this is
A story with no depth
Simply pretty painted images
For shallow hearts and empty heads
So why do I write with such colorful purposes
If all who reads can’t make out the big words
Overly pretentious couplings
Of things I once believed
Why do I write my heart on these pages
If all who reads have the sole intentions of damage
And is it wrong for me to find humor here?
In the irony of my own actions?
For I do, and I can’t help it
I bet if you thought hard enough you would see it too
Tucked bellow for special eyes only
Beneath the gaily drawn dragons
There lies a hungry beast
Is it not funny to see people drawn to this?
Is it not right for me to laugh
At blissful ignorance held taut on the surface?
Stretched tight to hide
even though the result is far from concealing
So I laugh at this, and at myself
For having attempted to change
The nature of these things
For having attempted to mold
A brick into something beautiful
For these are my words
And these are my thoughts
And there is no dragon for me to unveil
And there is no ink from which I would sculpt
2/16/2008
Question:
Is it possible to cheat on someone without physical contact with the other party? Because that is exactly what it feels like I am doing, emotionally cheating.
2/14/2008
Stupid, Stupid, Stupid. *bangs head against wall*
I'm afraid. I am afraid like I haven't been afraid in years. I am afraid and I am letting that fear dictate my actions.
2/11/2008
17 going on 30?
Everyone is telling me to follow my heart, to go with what feels best. But what if my heart is torn? On one side I have my need to no longer be lonely. My need to be with someone, even if that someone is only second best. And on the other side I have the part of me that is so far past liking someone that it’s bordering on cliché. Only problem with that is I can’t have this person. So does that side of me really matter? Or is it void by circumstances?
I feel like I am 30 years old running out of time to make a family, not 17 looking for someone to spend time with. I don’t want a silly high school relationship. I want something that will last. That is the main reason that I have held out for so long on dating anyone. I saw people date for 3 weeks, and walk away like nothing happened. How did they even enjoy one another’s company if it was so superficial? I want someone who can care for me and who I can care about. I want someone to support me when I need it, and who will take my support when they feel the need. Is this abnormal for one as young as I am? Most people I know are jumping from boyfriend to boyfriend, never staying long enough to figure the other person out. Is that what I am supposed to be doing? If it is I think I may have a problem because I don’t think that I could do such a thing.
I feel like I am 30 years old running out of time to make a family, not 17 looking for someone to spend time with. I don’t want a silly high school relationship. I want something that will last. That is the main reason that I have held out for so long on dating anyone. I saw people date for 3 weeks, and walk away like nothing happened. How did they even enjoy one another’s company if it was so superficial? I want someone who can care for me and who I can care about. I want someone to support me when I need it, and who will take my support when they feel the need. Is this abnormal for one as young as I am? Most people I know are jumping from boyfriend to boyfriend, never staying long enough to figure the other person out. Is that what I am supposed to be doing? If it is I think I may have a problem because I don’t think that I could do such a thing.
2/08/2008
What Used To Be
This is the song I sang for you when all others lost their voice
This is the letter I wrote for you when we were apart all those months
This is the look on your face when you look upon innocence
This is the way it went when it went away
And here is the place we met over shattered dreams of coffee shops
Right next to the place I fell before you caught me so I wouldn’t shatter again
Those are the memories we never got a chance to create
Those are the words that got lost on my tongue before I got a chance to spit
Those are the things you meant to say right after it happened
Those are the times I meant to say it right before I wasn’t sure
And there is the blanket of stars we never laid under
Right above the crisp cool grass still awaiting our bodies
There goes the promise of more chances
There goes the hope I held on so dearly
There goes the countless sunrises we watched together
There goes the thought of something else
And this is me
Right next to you
This is the letter I wrote for you when we were apart all those months
This is the look on your face when you look upon innocence
This is the way it went when it went away
And here is the place we met over shattered dreams of coffee shops
Right next to the place I fell before you caught me so I wouldn’t shatter again
Those are the memories we never got a chance to create
Those are the words that got lost on my tongue before I got a chance to spit
Those are the things you meant to say right after it happened
Those are the times I meant to say it right before I wasn’t sure
And there is the blanket of stars we never laid under
Right above the crisp cool grass still awaiting our bodies
There goes the promise of more chances
There goes the hope I held on so dearly
There goes the countless sunrises we watched together
There goes the thought of something else
And this is me
Right next to you
2/03/2008
2/02/2008
Scape Goat
I’m blaming you
You and your gentle touch
Whispered words
In the dead of the night
This is all because of you
And your relentless caring
Softly putting me together
After a fall from so high
It’s all your fault
That I now fear happiness
Because of you
I cannot dream
For fear of dreaming of you
You and your gentle touch
Whispered words
In the dead of the night
This is all because of you
And your relentless caring
Softly putting me together
After a fall from so high
It’s all your fault
That I now fear happiness
Because of you
I cannot dream
For fear of dreaming of you
1/30/2008
Now and Then
Say you will
Before you don’t
So we can save
One last sunrise
Say you will
Before I leave
So we can see
This to the end
Before you don’t
So we can save
One last sunrise
Say you will
Before I leave
So we can see
This to the end
1/18/2008
1/11/2008
We're not so Different, You and I
Don’t know if this means anything
If my attempts to righten things ever work
I don’t know if this will straighten things out
But I am doing it nonetheless
It’s upsetting to admit this
But it’s not all for you
My words fall on deaf ears most of the times
But the fact that I said them still helps someone
Even if that person is only me
So I will put on a serious face
Attempt that stare of mine that can freeze fire
Try to convince you that I have not given up yet
Tell you things I hardly believe myself
Even if in the end there is no one wiser
Even though we are both still awake
At five in the morning, trying hard to figure things out
Trying to just think without our minds interrupting
If there is one thing that you can take away from me
I hope that it is this; I may not have been able to do it
But that doesn’t mean that it’s undoable
So lay down at night while willing your brain to stop
And it won’t, no matter how many times you threaten it with a Q-Tip
Deal with the constant chatter
The worry and the doubt
Learn to get past all of that
And maybe you will learn to listen to what’s really important
What your mind has been trying to tell you
When you just want to sleep
If my attempts to righten things ever work
I don’t know if this will straighten things out
But I am doing it nonetheless
It’s upsetting to admit this
But it’s not all for you
My words fall on deaf ears most of the times
But the fact that I said them still helps someone
Even if that person is only me
So I will put on a serious face
Attempt that stare of mine that can freeze fire
Try to convince you that I have not given up yet
Tell you things I hardly believe myself
Even if in the end there is no one wiser
Even though we are both still awake
At five in the morning, trying hard to figure things out
Trying to just think without our minds interrupting
If there is one thing that you can take away from me
I hope that it is this; I may not have been able to do it
But that doesn’t mean that it’s undoable
So lay down at night while willing your brain to stop
And it won’t, no matter how many times you threaten it with a Q-Tip
Deal with the constant chatter
The worry and the doubt
Learn to get past all of that
And maybe you will learn to listen to what’s really important
What your mind has been trying to tell you
When you just want to sleep
Did You?
Did you know
That I would sing you to sleep
If I thought that it would help
I would cuddle until we were nearly one
If I thought that it would make a difference
I would write you reams
If I knew you would read it all
I would do just about anything
If I thought that you were watching
And if you happened to drift
Into the abyss that is my imagination
Did you know that I would follow you?
No matter how deep you happened to go
That I would sing you to sleep
If I thought that it would help
I would cuddle until we were nearly one
If I thought that it would make a difference
I would write you reams
If I knew you would read it all
I would do just about anything
If I thought that you were watching
And if you happened to drift
Into the abyss that is my imagination
Did you know that I would follow you?
No matter how deep you happened to go
1/03/2008
How did we get here?
To this cave of lost souls
Up on a mountain of doubts
Built up by our own aching hands
How did we get to this point?
Where love is a far off dream
And everywhere we look
Is a perfect display of what not to do
With no one telling us what to do
How the fuck did we get here?
I don’t remember walking
Through cloud filled skies
Under the feet of others more successful
I don’t remember trudging along
With you all at my side
To get to this place in time
So how did we get here?
And how the hell do I get out?
To this cave of lost souls
Up on a mountain of doubts
Built up by our own aching hands
How did we get to this point?
Where love is a far off dream
And everywhere we look
Is a perfect display of what not to do
With no one telling us what to do
How the fuck did we get here?
I don’t remember walking
Through cloud filled skies
Under the feet of others more successful
I don’t remember trudging along
With you all at my side
To get to this place in time
So how did we get here?
And how the hell do I get out?
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