My Hell

I know that smile of yours
The one you rarely show
The one I coaxed from your lips
Only a few times
And I know what makes it hide
The demons you despise
Cursed objects of your admiration
For what can make one such as yourself
Cower in pure fright?
But I also know of a lighter topic
Of a river of tears
So damn strong even the mote of my thumb
Cannot hold them back
Because for what you weep
Is a separate demon all on its own
One of beauty and loss
Of love and fear of loathing
A demon you play with often
A demon you chose over me

Who the fuck is Julie?

So I Thought

Learn and live
But never forget
Advice flows in
A constant stream
Pick and choose
Which is right for you
But in the end
No one else can really help
You try to find
Sense in this world
Try to feel
Through everything past
Try so hard
To just move on
But the results are forever
Living on in you
So here you stand
Your breaking point near
Wishing for someone to pull a trigger
Hoping that this is all there is
Poor girl
Did no one ever tell you
This battle never ends
Poor girl
Did no one ever say
That life is
Hard enough
With you fucking up

This Beast in Me

So I am sitting here, an ache somewhere inside of me, and I cant figure it out. It’s gnawing at me, like some wild thing that you let loose, tearing me apart inside with claws sharp as razors and teeth blunt as a fork. Its saliva, I swear, is lemon juice, and I just need it to go to sleep for a little while. But it wont stop biting, tearing, chewing me up. It wont stop and I am afraid that I will have to stop it soon, shut it up and make the howling stop. Oh yeah, it howls too. An incessant noise of passion, driving my mind insane with the things that it says. Yes, it says things. Awful things of love and hate, passion and life long living. I hate this beast more than I hate you, more than I despise you for putting it there. The only thing is, I don’t hate you at all. In fact, I am afraid that I love you. I say afraid because if I love you, then I love this beast as well. And that scars me. Scars me enough to want to kill it, leave its mangled body for all to see, a spectacle for tourists of my mind to point in awe. “That’s the beast that drove her mad” they’ll say. “That’s the thing she loved.” And as they point in wonder, I will lay there, unable to get up after I fell for you.

Me

I believe
In nights that never end
Sunrises, and sunsets
And unconditional love
Cuddling with out attachments
And soft kisses in the middle of the night
I believe
That love is overrated
But the feeling that there are a million butterflies
In your stomach is greatly unappreciated
Distance is nothing
When words travel so far
And those same words
Can change the world
I believe
In books and music
The idea that nothing is impossible
In logic less hope
And reasonless wishing
And I believe, most of all
In everything you have said to me

I Love You

I can’t bring myself to say it
At this moment in time
What, exactly, is the point
So how, in anyone’s wildest comprehension
Can I convince you
That it’s true, beyond any doubt?

They'll Say

She never looked into the mirror
Too afraid of what she would see
Never thought of what she could assume
Just by looking at my eyes

She never knew who she was
Never cared to look too deep
She didn’t see that what I was
Was only what she made in her own image

I always told her what they would say
So she didn’t get surprised
She always asked me what to do
So she didn’t get carried away
But when this moon sets
It’s all over for the two of us
She stepped too far
And missed the point of it all
‘Cause what they’ll say
Is only the truth

Yeah they’ll say
That she was beautiful
And she was a dreamer
And she never really let it go

She never looked into the mirror
Too afraid that it would shatter
Never though of what happened
Whenever I looked into her eyes

She never knew who she was
Didn’t want to go too deep
Never once realized
That who she was was all I ever would be

I always told her what they would say
So she didn’t get surprised
She always asked me what to do
So she didn’t get carried away
But when this moon sets
It’s all over for the two of us
She stepped too far
And missed the point of it all
‘Cause what they’ll say
Is only the truth

Yeah they’ll say
That she was perfect
And she was fighter
And she never really let me go

The Art of Speculation

A hundred miles
Means nothing
When the sky looks like this
With wind raped trees
And color painted leaves
To mask the harshness of day
Summer’s kiss is biting back
But it still is only a nip
And I am convinced
That we are looking
Out the same broken window
Onto a vision of grandeur
Sculpted from the fires of hell
As well as the snow from heaven
For speculation’s sake
We must be standing
Side by side
Hand in hand
So close we could nearly touch

Walk Away

You’re so caught up it hurts
Waiting by the phone
Hours on end, you forget to breathe
And when it finally comes
All you can think about
Is when it will ring again
When they will remember to call
And let you remember to exhale
With visions of futures so bright
Poor boy, did no one ever tell you
To quit while you are ahead
No matter how much it hurts

Just walk away
And cry rivers
But never forget
The path you just took
Nor the people you met
Or the ones who still pain you
To think about

You’re so caught up it hurts
Walking down the road alone
Hours on end, you forget to see
And when you finally stop
All you can think about
Is when the next rest you will get
When will you be able to go home
And truly look around for once
With ideals of things so lost
Poor boy, did no one ever tell you
To never quit, no matter what
No matter how much it hurts

Just walk away
And cry your heart out
But never forget
The past that belongs to you
Nor the people you have affected
Or the ones who still pain you
To think about

It's Not Over Yet

It starts off low and slow
With a bass to be reckoned with
Maybe a beat thrown in
Just to make things interesting
And before you know it
I have burst into the chorus
That is all about the people we knew
And those we didn’t
Heavy undertones
That resemble shades of purple
Weaving and winding
Just to complicate things more

And who said that
It was over at goodbye
With a wave and a hug
And a bitter taste left over
Was the only reminder
We ever got
Was the only warning
We would ever receive

It starts off low and heavy
With someone crying on the bass
My heart the only drum
Making it mellow and sad
And before you know it
Our lips are touching
And things start to get interesting
With a chorus bursting through
My sealed teeth
How I can sing with you standing
So close is beyond me
But I manage to do it
And it’s no mystery who the song is for

And who said that
It was over at goodnight
With a gentle brush
And a hesitant smile
Your taste still lingers
And it’s the only reminder
I will ever have
The only warning
I ever got
That is was over

And who said that
It was over at goodbye
With a wave and a hug
And a bitter taste left over
Was the only reminder
We ever got
Was the only warning
We would ever receive
That it would never really end

Wild Flowers

Wild Flowers are the ones
That hurt the most
When they slowly die

They are the feelings
That give you so much joy
It causes you physical pain

Wild Flowers are the things
You never forget
Even after you say them time after time

They are the events
That will never fade
Even when your mind does

Wild Flowers are the things
You do when you need
To stop thinking those thoughts

They are the thoughts
You try so hard
To stop thinking

A hundred miles means nothing,
when the sky looks that way.

Sleep Now

Hey you, the one still awake
Its time to sleep now, you know
So lay back and close you eyes, now
Count the ceiling tiles, or maybe sheep
Imagine I am there, and we can take a nap
Hear my voice in your mind, singing
Feel my hand in yours, holding forevermore
Remember the times, the ones that don’t exist
And drift to a place, the place I will always be

You Thought Wrong

I missed you today
Did you feel it?
A slight twinge
When you thought
No one was looking
Just when you thought
No one cared

I cried for you today
Did you hear it?
A soft sound
Of sorrow and loss
Just when you least
Expected such a thing
Just when you thought
No one knew

I died for you today
Did you know it?
Silently and swiftly
By your hand alone
When you thought
The spot light was on you
Just when you thought
No one saw

Ugh

Take my breath away
She said
Open up my eyes
She asked
Save me from myself
She pleaded
And he said yes
I’ll dance with you in the rain
He said
I’ll show you the stars where I live
He promised
I’ll take you far from here
He insisted
Just as soon as I love someone else

I have seen
This world
Burn
Sky and land
Turned to
Smoke and ash.
I have heard
Children cry
Angel’s voices
Lost in shouts
Of anger.
I have felt
A lover’s touch
Cringe from
Who they
Dare not say.
I have tasted
The salt
Of sweat
As I fight
Not to weep

In silent solitude
I wait
In screaming contemplation
I walk
In ear shattering stillness
I watch
With odds beyond logic
I hope
With a heart full of loss
I love
Torn in moral pieces
I support
With ears full of deaf melodies
I listen
To screams of pain I caused
I do nothing
For nothing can be done

Romeo, oh Romeo

I lost a child
With brilliant red hair
You know the one?
I don’t suppose you do
She was always quiet
And kept to herself
Invisible almost
But now that she is gone,
Lost forever I fear,
I can remember everything,
About her, lucid images
Flash before my eyes of things
That were once so trivial
The way she hated her hair
One minute
And loved it the next
The creek down the street
She would catch frogs in
The way she didn’t care
What others thought of her
She would spend all day
Blissfully listening to music
She never really understood
And reading of worlds unknown
She was enthusiastic about everything
Drew even though she wasn’t that good
Wrote when she didn’t know how
Laughed carelessly
And danced in the rain
But she is gone
Lost to love and pain
And all that is left in her wake
Is a shadow of what used to be

Look to the Stars

I have a challenge for you
One I don’t know if you can complete
But I dare you not to try
I know that it’s in your nature to attack
Every challenge that comes your way
So here’s another for your enjoyment and growth
My challenge is thus;
Love with all you have
And live with out regret
Dance in the rain every chance you get
And never forget to look to the stars at night
When a full moon comes out,
Always sleep so it can caress your skin
And always remember
It was I who held your hand
When few others would

The moon is setting
Can you see it?
It’s almost gone now
Leaving only us with the stars
The sun won’t rise again
And the moon has left us
There is no light at the end
Of this tunnel of darkness
But there are the stars
Pinpoints of hope
Poked out of the ceiling
For our enjoyment
Will you enjoy them with me?
Or will you leave me alone
Just like the sun, and the moon
To stare at those stars
With nothing left but memories
Of what used to be

9 Crimes

With a deaf ear
He listens
With a blind heart
He feels
With a broken leg
He walks
With a grim smile
He talks
With empty movements
He hugs
With a failing mind
He understands
With a broken soul
He fights
With a guilt ridden body
He hurts
With shaking hands
He pulls the trigger

I know you

I know you
The way that you walk
With a slight swagger
Like you are trying to impress
The way that your eyes
Glimmer at the sight
Of the one that you love
I know you
The way that you speak
With a confidence unmatched
And words that seem to flow
The way that you smile
When you read my letters
Like it is warming your heart
I know you
The way that you kiss
Tender and loving
Like no one else can feel
Quite as good
I know you
The way that feel
Soft and gentle
Never harsh
And when I come to you
In the middle of the night
You hold my face in your hands
And wipe the tears away
With a cares of your thumb
I know you
Even though
We have never met

Steal the sunrise
And keep it in a jar
Put it on a shelf
All by its self
Gaze upon its beauty
When you need a lift
And only let it out
When you are through
With the gift

Who ever said this was going to be easy? If you find them, tell them I need a word please.

100 Times Over

I am sentimental. A sentimental fool, if you will. With the ideals of a romantic and a heart that can’t take much more abuse, most of which I bring upon myself. So what happens when I am spent? When I really can’t take any more? And all I have left is an empty husk full of regrets? I take chances to not be cold, let myself go at times to thaw out. But what about the times that I need to be cautious? What happens when I should hold myself back but for the fear of freezing I throw it all away? What happens when I look back and sigh, having nothing more to say about the past? What happens if I make him hurt me?

Breathe

One breath shot through my heart
Tearing it to shreds and making me fall
Skinned my knees and broke my wrists
Got a scar on my leg that shines white
My hands shake when I think about it now
And even the smoke doesn’t do what it used to

Two breaths and the healing began
With blood stained thread that pierced my heart
Painfully putting the pieces back together
Band-Aids on my knees and my wrists were set
I learned how to still the shakes with words
And the scar is still there, but faded a bit

Three breaths made me remember it all
I looked back and saw the mistakes
Told my story to help with understanding
Wrote it all down and read it twice
Heard my words thrown back at me
And tried hard not to cry when I see white on black

Four breaths and I am afraid
Where will I go when this is over
I turn the sand over and peer at what’s underneath
Only to find the past, battered and broken
Scars that come to after a shower
And I don’t know if I will ever get clean

Please Tell Me

Who will save us now that the fire is burning?
And where will the water come from now
that the well is dry? Who will save us
now that the storm has finally
landed? And where will we
find shelter now that the
buildings have all
burned?

Hold her life in the palm of your hand
Wish it wasn’t so delicate
Feel her heart gently beat
And wish you were not pumping it
Love her with everything you have
And never let her go
Hold her life in the palm of your hand
And wish it wasn’t so

Be her crutch when she needs to walk
Wish you were stronger
Feel her weight on your shoulders
And wish your legs wouldn’t buckle
Care for her when she needs you
And never leave her side
Be her crutch when she needs to walk
And wish she could do so on her own

Calm her when she wakes
Wish the dreams would go away
Wipe her tears from her cheek
And wish you weren’t so weak
Comfort her with softly spoken words
And never stop talking
Calm her when she wakes
And wish she could stay asleep

Where am I?

California is where my heart is
Where I go for comfort and advice
A short trip to calm my nerves
And stir up old emotions

Pennsylvania is where my soul is
Where I walk to feel not so alone
A mere hundred miles and we are together
And my hands aren’t so cold

Canada is where my mind is
Where I go to think
My words flowing freely
To an ear willing to listen

Australia is where my inner child is
Where I go to blow off steam
And have a few laughs
Mindless fun I need once in a while

Home is where my body is
Where I return to, empty and cold
Unable to feel with out my self
Which is stuck somewhere across the world

Blah Part Two

Future of clouds
I don’t know I want
But I sprint on wards
To school beyond
And away from here
To new faces
With a new name
A fresh page
And my favorite pen
I write the story
Of a little girl
Growing up with
Cuts and bruises
Just like everyone else
And as I script
Out this familiar life
I try not to fade
From life as I know it
Wipe the tears away
Thank you for
Putting them there
And hope for
Another day, another rain
And another chance
To write this all down

Past of shadow
I fear so much
And I run away
Instead of facing
Another day here
Wish it wasn’t this way
But I am much
Too tired to push
Any harder, to want
Any more. And when
The storm comes
I welcome it
Dancing in the rain
Imagining you in my hand
With a smile on your face
And words we both know
Aren’t true. But we will pretend
For my sake and
Maybe even yours
To see the clouds that aren’t there
And taste the rain
That isn’t falling

Hey there Delilah
Are you listening to me
To what I have to say
I swear you haven’t
Heard it before
Not the same old speech
I rewrote it with new meaning
And I hope you understand
This time around
And take what I say
To heart. Never forget
This was all because
Of you. Never deny
I did it all for you
And what you did
For me will never
Leave my mind
Not even for a moment
Not even for another
You are forever
And always will be
My first and only
Remember that
When I am gone
To a future of clouds
I know I don’t want
And away from this
Past of shadows
I fear so much

Empty Thoughts

I think
You need to dance in the rain
Is it raining where you are?
With clouds the color of ash
And warm water that seeps
The sun not daring to peak
As you feel the mud in your toes

I think
We need to hold hands
Should I come to you?
Or would you rather leave your home
And wrap your fingers in mine
Feeling the warmth of my palm
And realizing you never really left home at all

I think
You need to laugh
At nothing in particular
Just let it out and listen
As your voice sings to the world
Joyous yet not sure why
And the notes fill your like nothing else could

I think
You need to cry hard
Curl up in a blanket
Stare out the window
And push those tears down your cheek
And when your eyes finally dry
I will be there to tell you it’s alright

I think
You need someone
To listen to you when you have nothing to say
And to dance in the rain with you
To tell you it will be okay
And to hold your hand
As tears come down your porcelain face

I think
You need something more
Than what I can give
But until then I will stay
By your side and with an open ear
Until you find what it is that’s missing
Until you figure out what it is that’s holding you back

girrrrr

Emily, what are you doing? Seriously, what the hell are you doing? You didnt sleep at all last night, didnt do any homework, which you have qquite a bit of, you didnt do anything. What are you doing? Was rock bottom not low enough for you? want to dig a little deeper? well, be my guest. here, i will even give you a shovel. but just remember this; i will not come down there to help you back out. at least one of us needs to be with the rest of the world, the normal world, the world that is not throwing their life away for what? Sleep? no, thats not it, becasue you arent getting any! Please, tell me what to do to help you, to motivate you, at this point, i am willing to do anything. Anything at all and its yours, just get up off of your ass and doing somthing. Go to school, write, do homework, read. Anything but play that damn video game and lie around thinking how shitty your life it. Enough is enough. Get up! I said get up! *hits self on head with shoe* Up up up!!!!!

Blood and Chocolate

Jealous of someone I don’t know
For something I cant ever have
And angry at myself for these feelings
But I cant help myself
I told him how I felt
What more can I do but wait
Wait for someone else
And wait for him to be happy
Which I do wish to happen
Whether it be with me
Or someone else
He deserves at least that much
For all that he has done
For everything that he helped me through
He deserves so much more than happiness

The Sonnet Deliberate Gentle Love Dreamer (DGLDf)     Romantic, hopeful, and composed. You are the Sonnet. Get it? Composed?     Sonnets want Love and have high ideals about it. They're conscientious people, caring & careful. You yourself have deep convictions, and you devote a lot of thought to romance and what it should be. This will frighten away most potential mates, but that's okay, because you're very choosy with your affections anyway. You'd absolutely refuse to date someone dumber than you, for instance. Your exact opposite: Genghis Khunt Random Brutal Sex Master     Lovers who share your idealized perspective, or who are at least willing to totally throw themselves into a relationship, will be very, very happy with you. And you with them. You're already selfless and compassionate, and with the right partner, there's no doubt you can be sensual, even adventurously so.     You probably have lots of female friends, and they have a special soft spot for you. Babies do, too, at the tippy-top of their baby skulls. ALWAYS AVOID: The 5-Night Stand, The False Messiah, The Hornivore, The Last Man on Earth CONSIDER: The Loverboy Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating. My profile name: pulchralacuna

ZZZZzzzz

I feel tired. Tired of chasing people who don’t want me. Tired of sleeping all the time. Tired of being lazy. Tired of not being confident. Tired of my blog, my writing, my poems. Everything seems to be the same. There is nothing new in my life and I am tired of it. I need something new. A partner, a friend, a drinking buddy. Anything is better than what I have, which is nothing. And I just realized, nothing is what I have had for a long, long time. Even when Michelle and I were together, she was never mine. I was hers. I had nothing and I still do. I just want something, anything.

WTB NEW LIFE, PTS ME

When Darkness Falls

In the darkness
My demons come out
To play with my head
And mess with my emotions

But when the light shines
They all flee
To stay in wait
While the sun shines

But I alone know
That when the moon comes
With it the haunts too
And sleep is a far off dream

Phoenix and Ashes

Everything that I know is falling apart
Millions of pieces I cant begin to patch
Relationships lost forever and good
Loves that I will never hold slip away
Sand in my hands, I watch it grain by grain
Until only one remains, and that is a small hope
One not large enough for these wholes
One that cannot possibly fill all of me

Everything I know is falling apart
Millions of things I wish I said
Relationships lost forever and good
Loves never known smolder out
The flame lost, only ash remains
And I must try and find the phoenix
Among the ruble and the many pieces of me
Will I find hope, or just another you?

Janus Art Submission

Do you like?

I am in love with poison and I cant stop drinking it.

Reasons

Because I am tired
Because being awake hurts too much
Because you’re too loud
Because the sun is too bright
Because the bed is warm
Because it doesn’t talk to me
Because I don’t have to talk back
Because life is so simple behind closed eyes
Because beyond that door is too far
Because my cat is on top of me
Because you wont leave me alone
Because I am happy at this moment
Because I don’t want my dream to go away
Because Russian has too many rules
Because life has too few
Because I have writer’s block
Because no one’s online
Because I am bored
Because there is school
Because it’s just too damn easy
To keep laying right here.

Cliche

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Hopefully I will be alive in the morning.

Can You Hear the Dead

Silence can echo
I swear it can
Louder than any heartbeat
And making more impact than the gunshot

After the smoke has lifted
It settles heavily

Silence can echo
I swear it can
And when the carnage removed
It lingers still haunting

Louder than the sobs
And the falling tears

Silence can echo
I swear it can
In the hearts of the ones we lost
The ones we didn’t know

After the accused go to trial
And in the moment when the gavel strikes

Silence can echo
I swear it can
That day back at school
With a few gone forever

When no one looks
Back at the empty desk

Silence can echo
Can you hear it?

Story Of A Girl

I’ll tell you a story
Of a girl so lost
She couldn’t find herself
And when she searched
It was in vain
For what she was
Was long gone
And all that was left
Was a broken soul
In need of love
She refused to take

fkjafghas;h

I never meant to make you cry
No tears were meant to fall
My intentions were full of heart
But sometimes that’s just not enough

I never meant to make it bleed
No blood was meant to be shed
My intentions were full of heart
But sometimes that’s just not enough

So what do you do
When you’re all spent
And all you’ve got left
Isn’t even enough to wake
And what will you tell me
The morning after
When all your promises
Are dropped with those tears.

I never meant to make you leave
No bags were meant to be packed
My intentions were full of heart
But sometimes that’s just not enough

I never meant to make you break
No cracks were meant to grow
My intentions were full of heart
But sometimes that’s just not enough

So what do you do
When you’re all spent
And all you’ve got left
Isn’t enough to make you whole
And what will you tell me
The morning after
When all your whispers fade into the light
And all I can see is the truth

My intentions were full of heart
But sometimes that’s just not enough
Wish it was
But sometimes it’s just not enough

Burning Embers

The sparks fly up
While embers burn
I thought that they were angry
Thought that they wanted my blood
The many years of running
From the light of them
Afraid of their warmth
Afraid that it would burn
And only after you showed me otherwise
Only after you threw a white-hot coal my way
Did I learn otherwise
I learned that they only wanted to comfort
That their light was wondrous
And that together they cannot burn
Learned that I wanted them
Wanted their tingles all over me
And the weird glow that it gave me
That motivation I was lacking

I only hope that it gave you as much as it gave me.

Apologies

I would like to apologize for my lask few posts, I was kind of breaking down. All better now though, and hopefully my poems wont suck as bad as they did there.