I’m flying, now
I’m falling down too
Dark abyss, that’s
To cliché for me
That’s the truth, and
It’s complete bull
So I’m giving up, now
I’m giving in too
This. Love is so lost
So I must, have I
Lost the Game yet?
11/20/2008
10/17/2008
9/25/2008
There’s a cold fire
And I’m naked
There’s a warm heart
And I’m still frozen
And you’ll never, never get it
And you’ll never, never make it
There’s a cold fire
And I’m stranded
There’s a warm heart
And I’m still immune
And you’ll never, never get it
And you’ll never, never make it
And there’s a cold fire
That will sputter
And There’s a warm heart
That will cool down
And you’ll never, never get it
And you’ll never, never make it
And I’m naked
There’s a warm heart
And I’m still frozen
And you’ll never, never get it
And you’ll never, never make it
There’s a cold fire
And I’m stranded
There’s a warm heart
And I’m still immune
And you’ll never, never get it
And you’ll never, never make it
And there’s a cold fire
That will sputter
And There’s a warm heart
That will cool down
And you’ll never, never get it
And you’ll never, never make it
9/16/2008
Last winter I was sleeping in my sister's room. I couldn't sleep in my room, still don't know why. Anyways, when the trees are all bare, and the sky behind them is gray with the snow clouds the branches look like silhouettes against it. Over winter break, when Justin left, I would lie in my sister's room and stare at the trees. Everything felt so cold. From the one window the way the branches laid against each other, I could see a woman's face in them. She seemed so sad, like the trees themselves were holding her down, keeping her there. And when the wind blew it looked like she was trying to escape. But she never could. I would lie there for hours staring at her, staring at the blank gray spaces that were her eyes. The sky is that same gray color, a white that's not really white, but there are leaves still. Makes me wonder if she's still there, or if the trees grew and she finally got out.
9/01/2008
Waiting
Patiently impatient
For a dream that may never come
She says it’s a nightmare
Says it’s not something I really want
But I know how this heart of mine works
By this point in time
I know how this heart of mine works
Well enough to know
This dream of mine
Is not the terror of demons she speaks
Nor the ugly tragedy she denies
But rather the dream I long for
The dream I’ll wait for
Full of beauty in a bloody guise
Hatred wearing a mask of lies
All of which I yearn to see the truth in
But more than that
I’ll wait for the day she gives up willingly
The day she’ll stop fighting with herself
Stop fighting with me
And give me my dream of her own accord
For a dream that may never come
She says it’s a nightmare
Says it’s not something I really want
But I know how this heart of mine works
By this point in time
I know how this heart of mine works
Well enough to know
This dream of mine
Is not the terror of demons she speaks
Nor the ugly tragedy she denies
But rather the dream I long for
The dream I’ll wait for
Full of beauty in a bloody guise
Hatred wearing a mask of lies
All of which I yearn to see the truth in
But more than that
I’ll wait for the day she gives up willingly
The day she’ll stop fighting with herself
Stop fighting with me
And give me my dream of her own accord
8/21/2008
In response to; http://mjrh2008.blogspot.com/2008/08/on-my-sleeve.html
She’d wear her heart out on her sleeve
If she wasn’t so afraid
Of who may come and snatch it up
So she holds it close to her chest
In a feeble attempt to keep it whole
She never meant to wear her heart out on her sleeve
Now she sees I’ve taken it
And she can’t ask to have it back
Can only hope I keep it all intact
I never meant to steal her heart
Never could have asked to hold it
Not really sure how this all happened
Nor where we go from here
But I promise that I will keep it safe
Protect it from harm and keep it warm
Cradle it in my hands
Until the day comes that she builds up the courage
To ask for it to placed back on her sleeve
She’d wear her heart out on her sleeve
If she wasn’t so afraid
Of who may come and snatch it up
So she holds it close to her chest
In a feeble attempt to keep it whole
She never meant to wear her heart out on her sleeve
Now she sees I’ve taken it
And she can’t ask to have it back
Can only hope I keep it all intact
I never meant to steal her heart
Never could have asked to hold it
Not really sure how this all happened
Nor where we go from here
But I promise that I will keep it safe
Protect it from harm and keep it warm
Cradle it in my hands
Until the day comes that she builds up the courage
To ask for it to placed back on her sleeve
8/18/2008
8/03/2008
8/01/2008
I remember the little things, the things that no one else does, the things that when brought up in a conversation gets looks and comments such as “No, it was purple, not yellow” just because that person doesn’t want to admit to having forgotten the color of the flowers. This is both a blessing and a curse in that being a writer it helps when I am doing something descriptive and a curse because I am only a teenager and there for my thoughts on the subject are quickly thrown aside just like the dead yellow flowers. I guess, now that I think about it, my stubbornness doesn’t help much either.
My grandmother died when I was ten. That’s not to long ago for me being only fifteen. I should remember it clearly, right? Nope, not me. I don’t remember what I wore or what my family wore for that matter other than the safe assumption that it was black. I don’t remember what she was in either. I know I didn’t cry. And I remember sitting down in the basement of our funeral home holding a styrofoam cup with sugar and some coffee with my dad sitting next to me with a styrofoam cup half full of pure black liquid. I remember sitting in the front row. I had, and have, gone to a lot of funerals but never before had I sat in the front row. I didn’t, and still don’t, know any of the people’s names who attended even though I see them often. I should. I just don’t. And I remember, more clearly than any thing else, an old lady sitting in the back of the room with a large purple hat. She was old, older than dirt, and as I sat staring at her not caring because I was a ten year old kid, all I could think was ‘she should be in that casket, not Baba’. I saw her in church the following week and she was wearing the large purple hat again. I think she may be dead now, but I don’t know. I don’t even know her name. But when ever I think of my grandmother’s funeral all that comes to mind is what I thought about that women. And her large purple hat.
My grandmother died when I was ten. That’s not to long ago for me being only fifteen. I should remember it clearly, right? Nope, not me. I don’t remember what I wore or what my family wore for that matter other than the safe assumption that it was black. I don’t remember what she was in either. I know I didn’t cry. And I remember sitting down in the basement of our funeral home holding a styrofoam cup with sugar and some coffee with my dad sitting next to me with a styrofoam cup half full of pure black liquid. I remember sitting in the front row. I had, and have, gone to a lot of funerals but never before had I sat in the front row. I didn’t, and still don’t, know any of the people’s names who attended even though I see them often. I should. I just don’t. And I remember, more clearly than any thing else, an old lady sitting in the back of the room with a large purple hat. She was old, older than dirt, and as I sat staring at her not caring because I was a ten year old kid, all I could think was ‘she should be in that casket, not Baba’. I saw her in church the following week and she was wearing the large purple hat again. I think she may be dead now, but I don’t know. I don’t even know her name. But when ever I think of my grandmother’s funeral all that comes to mind is what I thought about that women. And her large purple hat.
7/30/2008
once again lost for a title...
I’d tell you my plan
But I’m too afraid you’d find some way to foil it
With a broken heart
And a will that’s long gone
I’m confident of your ability
To step aside
When danger comes rushing in
So I’m gonna keep quiet
Mind my own
And keep you in the corner of my eye
Peripheral vision keeping tabs
Of you and your every move
And while I may lose track every once in a while
I am sill always here
Watching
Waiting
And soon you’ll see my plan
Unfold like a burning piece of paper
And it will all be so clear to you
So you will ask yourself
How could I have missed it?
And there is only one answer
The answer I just so happen to be hoping for;
Love blinds us
But I’m too afraid you’d find some way to foil it
With a broken heart
And a will that’s long gone
I’m confident of your ability
To step aside
When danger comes rushing in
So I’m gonna keep quiet
Mind my own
And keep you in the corner of my eye
Peripheral vision keeping tabs
Of you and your every move
And while I may lose track every once in a while
I am sill always here
Watching
Waiting
And soon you’ll see my plan
Unfold like a burning piece of paper
And it will all be so clear to you
So you will ask yourself
How could I have missed it?
And there is only one answer
The answer I just so happen to be hoping for;
Love blinds us
7/22/2008
I can't do this. I can't sit here and get called selfish and self centered and unkind and a bitch by my own mother while he is on the other side of the world. I can't love someone who I can't touch, who I can't hold. I can't do this. I can't have him as my only source of strength, sitting there thinking to myself I'll talk to him soon and everything will okay again. I can't put everything I have on him, give everything I am to him. I can't wait for him only to have him leave again. I can't wait for over a year for my life to start. I can't do this. So how the hell am I? Tell me how I sat there literally biting my tongue, the inside of my cheek all torn up now, when she talked? How did I not scream at the top of my lungs? How am I doing this? And how do I make it easier?
7/17/2008
I think we live our lives in other people's hearts and minds. Alone by ourselves we're not very much good at all. But when we let someone else in with their stories and all their sights and sounds and songs and smells and sensations, we suddenly start filling our shelves and boxes with books and books of them and building up our libraries.
Some of these books are pretty thin reading with faded ink and hardly any pictures and dull stories. And then others are nice, heavy little volumes filled with stories of our pasts and our futures and everything we know and everything we don't, printed and bound, fresh and new and clean.
It's nice when one of these books falls into your hands. It's nice when you read through the first few pages and know it's going to be a good one, and you settle down and know you've got pages and pages to go.
Some of these books are pretty thin reading with faded ink and hardly any pictures and dull stories. And then others are nice, heavy little volumes filled with stories of our pasts and our futures and everything we know and everything we don't, printed and bound, fresh and new and clean.
It's nice when one of these books falls into your hands. It's nice when you read through the first few pages and know it's going to be a good one, and you settle down and know you've got pages and pages to go.
7/15/2008
No idea what to title it....
Poor boy take a deep breath now
It’s a long way down for you to fall
And you already took the jump
Like a man with nothing to lose
Stepped over the edge and hoped for the worse
And it’s all coming clear to you now
That you were just a young boy
With a foolish man’s heart
So take a deep breath now
Because it’s far too late to turn back
You will see the faces
Of those who turned against you
And the faces of those you never knew
It’s a long way down to fall
And you’re not the first to travel
With the thought that this is the easy way
Path of least resistance
And for a man with nothing to lose
You’d have been right in your thinking
But it’s far too late to turn around
And it’s all out on the line now
Poor boy take a deep breath now
And hold on tight to the things you cling to
Because it’s a long way down to fall
And you’re only just beginning
Silly man close your eyes now
There’s nothing left for you to see
You’ve done it all, or so you say
So why are you still standing?
With a heart so heavy it’s in your toes
And a mind you worn out long ago
You thought you were done with this thing called life
Thought there was nothing left to do but fall
No effort left to exert
Nothing left to do but sigh
So silly man close your eyes now
Because as far as I’m concerned
It’s all over for you
You gave up on this thing called life
Jumped off the ride before it was over
Such a pity the fall didn’t kill you
Because now you’re broken and dying
With nothing left to do
And no one there to help you
Silly man close your eyes now
Wait for it all to end
There’s nothing left for you to see
So why are you still standing?
Foolish lover hold her tight
She’ll fall from your grasp
If you don’t hold her upright
It’s a sad world today
That this is what’s required of you
But it’s the best you both can get
When you’re that far gone
Watch her carefully
And fend off her demons
And she’ll give you something to see
She’ll slow the fall you dread so much
If only you can give her
A chance to breathe
So hold on tight to the girl
And she’ll give you what you need
But be weary of her past
A sad world it is
That this is what you get
But it’s the best you both can do
When you’re that far gone
Foolish lover hold her tight
And she’ll never let you go
Won’t let you fall
Won’t let you close your eyes.
It’s a long way down for you to fall
And you already took the jump
Like a man with nothing to lose
Stepped over the edge and hoped for the worse
And it’s all coming clear to you now
That you were just a young boy
With a foolish man’s heart
So take a deep breath now
Because it’s far too late to turn back
You will see the faces
Of those who turned against you
And the faces of those you never knew
It’s a long way down to fall
And you’re not the first to travel
With the thought that this is the easy way
Path of least resistance
And for a man with nothing to lose
You’d have been right in your thinking
But it’s far too late to turn around
And it’s all out on the line now
Poor boy take a deep breath now
And hold on tight to the things you cling to
Because it’s a long way down to fall
And you’re only just beginning
Silly man close your eyes now
There’s nothing left for you to see
You’ve done it all, or so you say
So why are you still standing?
With a heart so heavy it’s in your toes
And a mind you worn out long ago
You thought you were done with this thing called life
Thought there was nothing left to do but fall
No effort left to exert
Nothing left to do but sigh
So silly man close your eyes now
Because as far as I’m concerned
It’s all over for you
You gave up on this thing called life
Jumped off the ride before it was over
Such a pity the fall didn’t kill you
Because now you’re broken and dying
With nothing left to do
And no one there to help you
Silly man close your eyes now
Wait for it all to end
There’s nothing left for you to see
So why are you still standing?
Foolish lover hold her tight
She’ll fall from your grasp
If you don’t hold her upright
It’s a sad world today
That this is what’s required of you
But it’s the best you both can get
When you’re that far gone
Watch her carefully
And fend off her demons
And she’ll give you something to see
She’ll slow the fall you dread so much
If only you can give her
A chance to breathe
So hold on tight to the girl
And she’ll give you what you need
But be weary of her past
A sad world it is
That this is what you get
But it’s the best you both can do
When you’re that far gone
Foolish lover hold her tight
And she’ll never let you go
Won’t let you fall
Won’t let you close your eyes.
6/18/2008
Crayons
"Life is like a box of crayons. Most people are the 8-color boxes, but what you're really looking for are the 64-color boxes with the sharpeners on the back. I fancy myself to be a 64-color box, though I've got a few missing. It's okay though, because I've got some more vibrant colors like periwinkle at my disposal. I have a bit of a problem though in that I can only meet the 8-color boxes. Does anyone else have that problem? I mean there are so many different colors of life, of feeling, of articulation.. so when I meet someone who's an 8-color type.. I'm like, 'hey girl, magenta!' and she's like, 'oh, you mean purple!' and she goes off on her purple thing, and I'm like, 'no - I want magenta!'"
6/16/2008
6/11/2008
5/30/2008
If Only
I could fly
High above this place
I could fly from here
Clip the trees and graze the water
And get away
If I had wings
I could drive
So far from this place
I could drive from here
Floor the gas and rev the engine
And get away
If I had a car
I could leave
Anywhere but this place
I could leave from here
Pack my bags and say goodbye
And get away
If I had the will
High above this place
I could fly from here
Clip the trees and graze the water
And get away
If I had wings
I could drive
So far from this place
I could drive from here
Floor the gas and rev the engine
And get away
If I had a car
I could leave
Anywhere but this place
I could leave from here
Pack my bags and say goodbye
And get away
If I had the will
5/26/2008
Emily: eh, I'm alright
Greg: I dont get that impression
Emily: haha, shhh you aren't supposed to see past my fake chipper-ness
Greg: whoops, my bad
Emily: nah, I'm not really upset. Or at least not really. I am just marveling at the fact that when I should be angry with someone, I instead find the behavior that should prompt said anger incredibly cute in an endearing way
Greg: I dont get that impression
Emily: haha, shhh you aren't supposed to see past my fake chipper-ness
Greg: whoops, my bad
Emily: nah, I'm not really upset. Or at least not really. I am just marveling at the fact that when I should be angry with someone, I instead find the behavior that should prompt said anger incredibly cute in an endearing way
5/24/2008
5/23/2008
Say things I want so badly to believe
And at times I do
They seep into my skin,
Past the walls and the protections
Crumbling my reserve like hot water over ice
But I’m not done with these precautions
They have yet to finish serving me
So what happens when they are gone,
And I’m left without their aid?
Where will you be,
When I’m in the greatest need?
I call out your name
And all I hear in response
Are the echoes of a long forgotten past
I wish so badly to remember
And at times I do
They seep into my skin,
Past the walls and the protections
Crumbling my reserve like hot water over ice
But I’m not done with these precautions
They have yet to finish serving me
So what happens when they are gone,
And I’m left without their aid?
Where will you be,
When I’m in the greatest need?
I call out your name
And all I hear in response
Are the echoes of a long forgotten past
I wish so badly to remember
5/21/2008
Intelligence vs. Wisdom
The problem of discussing "wisdom" is that everyone's had at least a few
thoughts they consider "wise". In many cases they've gone through a lot
of hell to acquire whatever lesson they learned, and they really don't
want to hear that they've learned the wrong lesson from it. If you have
the misfortune to meet an "intelligent" person who's learned the lesson
that facility with verbal argument isn't smartness but rather "a fancier
kind of stupid", as Spider Robinson put it, good luck ever convincing
them that there's any kind of intelligence that actually works! They've
given up their pride to come to that conclusion, they've been hit over
the head by stark reality, they've gone through hell to arrive at that
one crumb of wisdom and by damn they've earned the right to be smug
about it. If you're foolish enough to think there's any kind of
intelligence that really works, you must not have gone through what they
did; you must be too proud to admit your own folly; you must not be
wise. I don't know how to dig people out of that trap
5/02/2008
4/28/2008
Truth?
What is truth? Do we create it ourselves? Is it manmade, a structure created by these hands? Can it bend, can it be molded? And if it bends into something new, is that truth as well? Doesn't it have to be if it was made from truth to start with? So does that mean that a truth molded and morphed by our own minds is then, in the end, truth itself? If this is so, we create our own truths. Does that also mean that we can create new truths all together? I hope so, because I do not like this current thing that is true in my mind, and I want so badly to change it. What does it take to change the truth?
4/22/2008
The Way I See It
What could be better?
Than the perfect great escape
Take your pick
Of
New frontiers
My body is screaming and
My memory is shot
Oh, the places I’ll go
With
This true magic
Than the perfect great escape
Take your pick
Of
New frontiers
My body is screaming and
My memory is shot
Oh, the places I’ll go
With
This true magic
4/13/2008
4/08/2008
untitled 3/11/08 part II
It’s warm in my room
As you sneak to my bed
Chilled fingertips wake me
And you catch my stare
We sit in silence
For nothing needs to be said
It’s warm in my room
As you hold me tight
Soft kiss keeps me awake
And you whisper in my ear
Nothing at all
For nothing needs to be said
It’s warm in my chest
As you smile goodnight
Heartbeat sings me to sleep
And your rhythm is the only sound
That echoes silently
For nothing needs to be said
As you sneak to my bed
Chilled fingertips wake me
And you catch my stare
We sit in silence
For nothing needs to be said
It’s warm in my room
As you hold me tight
Soft kiss keeps me awake
And you whisper in my ear
Nothing at all
For nothing needs to be said
It’s warm in my chest
As you smile goodnight
Heartbeat sings me to sleep
And your rhythm is the only sound
That echoes silently
For nothing needs to be said
4/02/2008
3/30/2008
You can't really fail at life, nor can you pass at life either. It's a ride, and at the end we all get off no matter what happened, no matter how many twists and curves it took us on. the best we can do is enjoy it while it lasts, try not to puke when it turns us upside down, and not fear that final stop
3/25/2008
That's No Bomb Fire You See
Tonight’s the night the world dies
So sharpen your knifes
And load your guns
Because there’s a fight brewing here
Pick a side and pray to a god
We all know doesn’t exist
For the strength to continue
Throughout all hours of darkness
Because tonight’s the night the world will burn
And baby I do hope you picked the right side
So sharpen your knifes
And load your guns
Because there’s a fight brewing here
Pick a side and pray to a god
We all know doesn’t exist
For the strength to continue
Throughout all hours of darkness
Because tonight’s the night the world will burn
And baby I do hope you picked the right side
3/22/2008
3/19/2008
Untitled
I can see the bottle
Laying there so innocent
I remember thinking
It’s all in good fun
I can taste the bitterness
A sticky substance
Left over in the very air
I remember thinking
It would all pass with time
I can hear the sobs
She’s weeping for him
I remember thinking
Not too long ago
That it was her fault as well
But now I see the poison
Seeping into parched veins
I remember the past
And it is all coming together now
I can hear the singing now
Ringing in the air
Like some fucked up anthem
I remember the past
What happened so many nights
When it was all in good fun
Until the ugliness set in
And I can see she weeps
For not only him
But for me as well
Laying there so innocent
I remember thinking
It’s all in good fun
I can taste the bitterness
A sticky substance
Left over in the very air
I remember thinking
It would all pass with time
I can hear the sobs
She’s weeping for him
I remember thinking
Not too long ago
That it was her fault as well
But now I see the poison
Seeping into parched veins
I remember the past
And it is all coming together now
I can hear the singing now
Ringing in the air
Like some fucked up anthem
I remember the past
What happened so many nights
When it was all in good fun
Until the ugliness set in
And I can see she weeps
For not only him
But for me as well
3/16/2008
I thought I had found it
Then I thought I had lost it
Thought it would die
Like it did the last time
Thought that it would be
Much harder to find the next time
Thought that it was all over
With that one loss
Didn’t realize my eyes were closed
Thought that I was looking
And I thought that I could see
Didn’t realize that I was sleeping
And you were there all along
Then I thought I had lost it
Thought it would die
Like it did the last time
Thought that it would be
Much harder to find the next time
Thought that it was all over
With that one loss
Didn’t realize my eyes were closed
Thought that I was looking
And I thought that I could see
Didn’t realize that I was sleeping
And you were there all along
3/14/2008
Red Dawn
Things are changing
With this dawn up ahead
Things lost and things gained
It will never be
What it once was
Because things are changing
Moving and morphing
And I am afraid
That it is all coming too fast
For me to grasp
With this dawn up ahead
Things lost and things gained
It will never be
What it once was
Because things are changing
Moving and morphing
And I am afraid
That it is all coming too fast
For me to grasp
3/11/2008
untitled
It’s cold in your room
As I sneak to your bed
A gentle touch
To bring you back
And your eyes are screaming
It’s cold in your room
But you whisper warm breath
Say all the right things
And it’s just what I needed to hear
To bring me back
It’s cold in my room
And I don’t know where you are
‘Cause you’re saying
Just what I don’t want to hear
But it’s not enough
To wake me up
As I sneak to your bed
A gentle touch
To bring you back
And your eyes are screaming
It’s cold in your room
But you whisper warm breath
Say all the right things
And it’s just what I needed to hear
To bring me back
It’s cold in my room
And I don’t know where you are
‘Cause you’re saying
Just what I don’t want to hear
But it’s not enough
To wake me up
3/07/2008
2/21/2008
Question:
What's the first name that comes to mind when you hear "You are the only thing that makes sense"?
2/20/2008
Characteristics of an Ink Dragon
Restless nights shadow stress filled days
These words are forced, can’t you tell?
A pen with no hand to stain black
For that hand is shaking too much to control
The flowing script I’ve grown to hate
Meaningless dribble, that’s what this is
A story with no depth
Simply pretty painted images
For shallow hearts and empty heads
So why do I write with such colorful purposes
If all who reads can’t make out the big words
Overly pretentious couplings
Of things I once believed
Why do I write my heart on these pages
If all who reads have the sole intentions of damage
And is it wrong for me to find humor here?
In the irony of my own actions?
For I do, and I can’t help it
I bet if you thought hard enough you would see it too
Tucked bellow for special eyes only
Beneath the gaily drawn dragons
There lies a hungry beast
Is it not funny to see people drawn to this?
Is it not right for me to laugh
At blissful ignorance held taut on the surface?
Stretched tight to hide
even though the result is far from concealing
So I laugh at this, and at myself
For having attempted to change
The nature of these things
For having attempted to mold
A brick into something beautiful
For these are my words
And these are my thoughts
And there is no dragon for me to unveil
And there is no ink from which I would sculpt
These words are forced, can’t you tell?
A pen with no hand to stain black
For that hand is shaking too much to control
The flowing script I’ve grown to hate
Meaningless dribble, that’s what this is
A story with no depth
Simply pretty painted images
For shallow hearts and empty heads
So why do I write with such colorful purposes
If all who reads can’t make out the big words
Overly pretentious couplings
Of things I once believed
Why do I write my heart on these pages
If all who reads have the sole intentions of damage
And is it wrong for me to find humor here?
In the irony of my own actions?
For I do, and I can’t help it
I bet if you thought hard enough you would see it too
Tucked bellow for special eyes only
Beneath the gaily drawn dragons
There lies a hungry beast
Is it not funny to see people drawn to this?
Is it not right for me to laugh
At blissful ignorance held taut on the surface?
Stretched tight to hide
even though the result is far from concealing
So I laugh at this, and at myself
For having attempted to change
The nature of these things
For having attempted to mold
A brick into something beautiful
For these are my words
And these are my thoughts
And there is no dragon for me to unveil
And there is no ink from which I would sculpt
2/16/2008
Question:
Is it possible to cheat on someone without physical contact with the other party? Because that is exactly what it feels like I am doing, emotionally cheating.
2/14/2008
Stupid, Stupid, Stupid. *bangs head against wall*
I'm afraid. I am afraid like I haven't been afraid in years. I am afraid and I am letting that fear dictate my actions.
2/11/2008
17 going on 30?
Everyone is telling me to follow my heart, to go with what feels best. But what if my heart is torn? On one side I have my need to no longer be lonely. My need to be with someone, even if that someone is only second best. And on the other side I have the part of me that is so far past liking someone that it’s bordering on cliché. Only problem with that is I can’t have this person. So does that side of me really matter? Or is it void by circumstances?
I feel like I am 30 years old running out of time to make a family, not 17 looking for someone to spend time with. I don’t want a silly high school relationship. I want something that will last. That is the main reason that I have held out for so long on dating anyone. I saw people date for 3 weeks, and walk away like nothing happened. How did they even enjoy one another’s company if it was so superficial? I want someone who can care for me and who I can care about. I want someone to support me when I need it, and who will take my support when they feel the need. Is this abnormal for one as young as I am? Most people I know are jumping from boyfriend to boyfriend, never staying long enough to figure the other person out. Is that what I am supposed to be doing? If it is I think I may have a problem because I don’t think that I could do such a thing.
I feel like I am 30 years old running out of time to make a family, not 17 looking for someone to spend time with. I don’t want a silly high school relationship. I want something that will last. That is the main reason that I have held out for so long on dating anyone. I saw people date for 3 weeks, and walk away like nothing happened. How did they even enjoy one another’s company if it was so superficial? I want someone who can care for me and who I can care about. I want someone to support me when I need it, and who will take my support when they feel the need. Is this abnormal for one as young as I am? Most people I know are jumping from boyfriend to boyfriend, never staying long enough to figure the other person out. Is that what I am supposed to be doing? If it is I think I may have a problem because I don’t think that I could do such a thing.
2/08/2008
What Used To Be
This is the song I sang for you when all others lost their voice
This is the letter I wrote for you when we were apart all those months
This is the look on your face when you look upon innocence
This is the way it went when it went away
And here is the place we met over shattered dreams of coffee shops
Right next to the place I fell before you caught me so I wouldn’t shatter again
Those are the memories we never got a chance to create
Those are the words that got lost on my tongue before I got a chance to spit
Those are the things you meant to say right after it happened
Those are the times I meant to say it right before I wasn’t sure
And there is the blanket of stars we never laid under
Right above the crisp cool grass still awaiting our bodies
There goes the promise of more chances
There goes the hope I held on so dearly
There goes the countless sunrises we watched together
There goes the thought of something else
And this is me
Right next to you
This is the letter I wrote for you when we were apart all those months
This is the look on your face when you look upon innocence
This is the way it went when it went away
And here is the place we met over shattered dreams of coffee shops
Right next to the place I fell before you caught me so I wouldn’t shatter again
Those are the memories we never got a chance to create
Those are the words that got lost on my tongue before I got a chance to spit
Those are the things you meant to say right after it happened
Those are the times I meant to say it right before I wasn’t sure
And there is the blanket of stars we never laid under
Right above the crisp cool grass still awaiting our bodies
There goes the promise of more chances
There goes the hope I held on so dearly
There goes the countless sunrises we watched together
There goes the thought of something else
And this is me
Right next to you
2/03/2008
2/02/2008
Scape Goat
I’m blaming you
You and your gentle touch
Whispered words
In the dead of the night
This is all because of you
And your relentless caring
Softly putting me together
After a fall from so high
It’s all your fault
That I now fear happiness
Because of you
I cannot dream
For fear of dreaming of you
You and your gentle touch
Whispered words
In the dead of the night
This is all because of you
And your relentless caring
Softly putting me together
After a fall from so high
It’s all your fault
That I now fear happiness
Because of you
I cannot dream
For fear of dreaming of you
1/30/2008
Now and Then
Say you will
Before you don’t
So we can save
One last sunrise
Say you will
Before I leave
So we can see
This to the end
Before you don’t
So we can save
One last sunrise
Say you will
Before I leave
So we can see
This to the end
1/18/2008
1/11/2008
We're not so Different, You and I
Don’t know if this means anything
If my attempts to righten things ever work
I don’t know if this will straighten things out
But I am doing it nonetheless
It’s upsetting to admit this
But it’s not all for you
My words fall on deaf ears most of the times
But the fact that I said them still helps someone
Even if that person is only me
So I will put on a serious face
Attempt that stare of mine that can freeze fire
Try to convince you that I have not given up yet
Tell you things I hardly believe myself
Even if in the end there is no one wiser
Even though we are both still awake
At five in the morning, trying hard to figure things out
Trying to just think without our minds interrupting
If there is one thing that you can take away from me
I hope that it is this; I may not have been able to do it
But that doesn’t mean that it’s undoable
So lay down at night while willing your brain to stop
And it won’t, no matter how many times you threaten it with a Q-Tip
Deal with the constant chatter
The worry and the doubt
Learn to get past all of that
And maybe you will learn to listen to what’s really important
What your mind has been trying to tell you
When you just want to sleep
If my attempts to righten things ever work
I don’t know if this will straighten things out
But I am doing it nonetheless
It’s upsetting to admit this
But it’s not all for you
My words fall on deaf ears most of the times
But the fact that I said them still helps someone
Even if that person is only me
So I will put on a serious face
Attempt that stare of mine that can freeze fire
Try to convince you that I have not given up yet
Tell you things I hardly believe myself
Even if in the end there is no one wiser
Even though we are both still awake
At five in the morning, trying hard to figure things out
Trying to just think without our minds interrupting
If there is one thing that you can take away from me
I hope that it is this; I may not have been able to do it
But that doesn’t mean that it’s undoable
So lay down at night while willing your brain to stop
And it won’t, no matter how many times you threaten it with a Q-Tip
Deal with the constant chatter
The worry and the doubt
Learn to get past all of that
And maybe you will learn to listen to what’s really important
What your mind has been trying to tell you
When you just want to sleep
Did You?
Did you know
That I would sing you to sleep
If I thought that it would help
I would cuddle until we were nearly one
If I thought that it would make a difference
I would write you reams
If I knew you would read it all
I would do just about anything
If I thought that you were watching
And if you happened to drift
Into the abyss that is my imagination
Did you know that I would follow you?
No matter how deep you happened to go
That I would sing you to sleep
If I thought that it would help
I would cuddle until we were nearly one
If I thought that it would make a difference
I would write you reams
If I knew you would read it all
I would do just about anything
If I thought that you were watching
And if you happened to drift
Into the abyss that is my imagination
Did you know that I would follow you?
No matter how deep you happened to go
1/03/2008
How did we get here?
To this cave of lost souls
Up on a mountain of doubts
Built up by our own aching hands
How did we get to this point?
Where love is a far off dream
And everywhere we look
Is a perfect display of what not to do
With no one telling us what to do
How the fuck did we get here?
I don’t remember walking
Through cloud filled skies
Under the feet of others more successful
I don’t remember trudging along
With you all at my side
To get to this place in time
So how did we get here?
And how the hell do I get out?
To this cave of lost souls
Up on a mountain of doubts
Built up by our own aching hands
How did we get to this point?
Where love is a far off dream
And everywhere we look
Is a perfect display of what not to do
With no one telling us what to do
How the fuck did we get here?
I don’t remember walking
Through cloud filled skies
Under the feet of others more successful
I don’t remember trudging along
With you all at my side
To get to this place in time
So how did we get here?
And how the hell do I get out?
12/31/2007
My Hell
I know that smile of yours
The one you rarely show
The one I coaxed from your lips
Only a few times
And I know what makes it hide
The demons you despise
Cursed objects of your admiration
For what can make one such as yourself
Cower in pure fright?
But I also know of a lighter topic
Of a river of tears
So damn strong even the mote of my thumb
Cannot hold them back
Because for what you weep
Is a separate demon all on its own
One of beauty and loss
Of love and fear of loathing
A demon you play with often
A demon you chose over me
The one you rarely show
The one I coaxed from your lips
Only a few times
And I know what makes it hide
The demons you despise
Cursed objects of your admiration
For what can make one such as yourself
Cower in pure fright?
But I also know of a lighter topic
Of a river of tears
So damn strong even the mote of my thumb
Cannot hold them back
Because for what you weep
Is a separate demon all on its own
One of beauty and loss
Of love and fear of loathing
A demon you play with often
A demon you chose over me
12/22/2007
12/15/2007
So I Thought
Learn and live
But never forget
Advice flows in
A constant stream
Pick and choose
Which is right for you
But in the end
No one else can really help
You try to find
Sense in this world
Try to feel
Through everything past
Try so hard
To just move on
But the results are forever
Living on in you
So here you stand
Your breaking point near
Wishing for someone to pull a trigger
Hoping that this is all there is
Poor girl
Did no one ever tell you
This battle never ends
Poor girl
Did no one ever say
That life is
Hard enough
With you fucking up
But never forget
Advice flows in
A constant stream
Pick and choose
Which is right for you
But in the end
No one else can really help
You try to find
Sense in this world
Try to feel
Through everything past
Try so hard
To just move on
But the results are forever
Living on in you
So here you stand
Your breaking point near
Wishing for someone to pull a trigger
Hoping that this is all there is
Poor girl
Did no one ever tell you
This battle never ends
Poor girl
Did no one ever say
That life is
Hard enough
With you fucking up
12/08/2007
This Beast in Me
So I am sitting here, an ache somewhere inside of me, and I cant figure it out. It’s gnawing at me, like some wild thing that you let loose, tearing me apart inside with claws sharp as razors and teeth blunt as a fork. Its saliva, I swear, is lemon juice, and I just need it to go to sleep for a little while. But it wont stop biting, tearing, chewing me up. It wont stop and I am afraid that I will have to stop it soon, shut it up and make the howling stop. Oh yeah, it howls too. An incessant noise of passion, driving my mind insane with the things that it says. Yes, it says things. Awful things of love and hate, passion and life long living. I hate this beast more than I hate you, more than I despise you for putting it there. The only thing is, I don’t hate you at all. In fact, I am afraid that I love you. I say afraid because if I love you, then I love this beast as well. And that scars me. Scars me enough to want to kill it, leave its mangled body for all to see, a spectacle for tourists of my mind to point in awe. “That’s the beast that drove her mad” they’ll say. “That’s the thing she loved.” And as they point in wonder, I will lay there, unable to get up after I fell for you.
11/30/2007
Me
I believe
In nights that never end
Sunrises, and sunsets
And unconditional love
Cuddling with out attachments
And soft kisses in the middle of the night
I believe
That love is overrated
But the feeling that there are a million butterflies
In your stomach is greatly unappreciated
Distance is nothing
When words travel so far
And those same words
Can change the world
I believe
In books and music
The idea that nothing is impossible
In logic less hope
And reasonless wishing
And I believe, most of all
In everything you have said to me
In nights that never end
Sunrises, and sunsets
And unconditional love
Cuddling with out attachments
And soft kisses in the middle of the night
I believe
That love is overrated
But the feeling that there are a million butterflies
In your stomach is greatly unappreciated
Distance is nothing
When words travel so far
And those same words
Can change the world
I believe
In books and music
The idea that nothing is impossible
In logic less hope
And reasonless wishing
And I believe, most of all
In everything you have said to me
11/23/2007
I Love You
I can’t bring myself to say it
At this moment in time
What, exactly, is the point
So how, in anyone’s wildest comprehension
Can I convince you
That it’s true, beyond any doubt?
At this moment in time
What, exactly, is the point
So how, in anyone’s wildest comprehension
Can I convince you
That it’s true, beyond any doubt?
11/16/2007
They'll Say
She never looked into the mirror
Too afraid of what she would see
Never thought of what she could assume
Just by looking at my eyes
She never knew who she was
Never cared to look too deep
She didn’t see that what I was
Was only what she made in her own image
I always told her what they would say
So she didn’t get surprised
She always asked me what to do
So she didn’t get carried away
But when this moon sets
It’s all over for the two of us
She stepped too far
And missed the point of it all
‘Cause what they’ll say
Is only the truth
Yeah they’ll say
That she was beautiful
And she was a dreamer
And she never really let it go
She never looked into the mirror
Too afraid that it would shatter
Never though of what happened
Whenever I looked into her eyes
She never knew who she was
Didn’t want to go too deep
Never once realized
That who she was was all I ever would be
I always told her what they would say
So she didn’t get surprised
She always asked me what to do
So she didn’t get carried away
But when this moon sets
It’s all over for the two of us
She stepped too far
And missed the point of it all
‘Cause what they’ll say
Is only the truth
Yeah they’ll say
That she was perfect
And she was fighter
And she never really let me go
Too afraid of what she would see
Never thought of what she could assume
Just by looking at my eyes
She never knew who she was
Never cared to look too deep
She didn’t see that what I was
Was only what she made in her own image
I always told her what they would say
So she didn’t get surprised
She always asked me what to do
So she didn’t get carried away
But when this moon sets
It’s all over for the two of us
She stepped too far
And missed the point of it all
‘Cause what they’ll say
Is only the truth
Yeah they’ll say
That she was beautiful
And she was a dreamer
And she never really let it go
She never looked into the mirror
Too afraid that it would shatter
Never though of what happened
Whenever I looked into her eyes
She never knew who she was
Didn’t want to go too deep
Never once realized
That who she was was all I ever would be
I always told her what they would say
So she didn’t get surprised
She always asked me what to do
So she didn’t get carried away
But when this moon sets
It’s all over for the two of us
She stepped too far
And missed the point of it all
‘Cause what they’ll say
Is only the truth
Yeah they’ll say
That she was perfect
And she was fighter
And she never really let me go
10/24/2007
The Art of Speculation
A hundred miles
Means nothing
When the sky looks like this
With wind raped trees
And color painted leaves
To mask the harshness of day
Summer’s kiss is biting back
But it still is only a nip
And I am convinced
That we are looking
Out the same broken window
Onto a vision of grandeur
Sculpted from the fires of hell
As well as the snow from heaven
For speculation’s sake
We must be standing
Side by side
Hand in hand
So close we could nearly touch
Means nothing
When the sky looks like this
With wind raped trees
And color painted leaves
To mask the harshness of day
Summer’s kiss is biting back
But it still is only a nip
And I am convinced
That we are looking
Out the same broken window
Onto a vision of grandeur
Sculpted from the fires of hell
As well as the snow from heaven
For speculation’s sake
We must be standing
Side by side
Hand in hand
So close we could nearly touch
10/22/2007
Walk Away
You’re so caught up it hurts
Waiting by the phone
Hours on end, you forget to breathe
And when it finally comes
All you can think about
Is when it will ring again
When they will remember to call
And let you remember to exhale
With visions of futures so bright
Poor boy, did no one ever tell you
To quit while you are ahead
No matter how much it hurts
Just walk away
And cry rivers
But never forget
The path you just took
Nor the people you met
Or the ones who still pain you
To think about
You’re so caught up it hurts
Walking down the road alone
Hours on end, you forget to see
And when you finally stop
All you can think about
Is when the next rest you will get
When will you be able to go home
And truly look around for once
With ideals of things so lost
Poor boy, did no one ever tell you
To never quit, no matter what
No matter how much it hurts
Just walk away
And cry your heart out
But never forget
The past that belongs to you
Nor the people you have affected
Or the ones who still pain you
To think about
Waiting by the phone
Hours on end, you forget to breathe
And when it finally comes
All you can think about
Is when it will ring again
When they will remember to call
And let you remember to exhale
With visions of futures so bright
Poor boy, did no one ever tell you
To quit while you are ahead
No matter how much it hurts
Just walk away
And cry rivers
But never forget
The path you just took
Nor the people you met
Or the ones who still pain you
To think about
You’re so caught up it hurts
Walking down the road alone
Hours on end, you forget to see
And when you finally stop
All you can think about
Is when the next rest you will get
When will you be able to go home
And truly look around for once
With ideals of things so lost
Poor boy, did no one ever tell you
To never quit, no matter what
No matter how much it hurts
Just walk away
And cry your heart out
But never forget
The past that belongs to you
Nor the people you have affected
Or the ones who still pain you
To think about
10/16/2007
It's Not Over Yet
It starts off low and slow
With a bass to be reckoned with
Maybe a beat thrown in
Just to make things interesting
And before you know it
I have burst into the chorus
That is all about the people we knew
And those we didn’t
Heavy undertones
That resemble shades of purple
Weaving and winding
Just to complicate things more
And who said that
It was over at goodbye
With a wave and a hug
And a bitter taste left over
Was the only reminder
We ever got
Was the only warning
We would ever receive
It starts off low and heavy
With someone crying on the bass
My heart the only drum
Making it mellow and sad
And before you know it
Our lips are touching
And things start to get interesting
With a chorus bursting through
My sealed teeth
How I can sing with you standing
So close is beyond me
But I manage to do it
And it’s no mystery who the song is for
And who said that
It was over at goodnight
With a gentle brush
And a hesitant smile
Your taste still lingers
And it’s the only reminder
I will ever have
The only warning
I ever got
That is was over
And who said that
It was over at goodbye
With a wave and a hug
And a bitter taste left over
Was the only reminder
We ever got
Was the only warning
We would ever receive
That it would never really end
With a bass to be reckoned with
Maybe a beat thrown in
Just to make things interesting
And before you know it
I have burst into the chorus
That is all about the people we knew
And those we didn’t
Heavy undertones
That resemble shades of purple
Weaving and winding
Just to complicate things more
And who said that
It was over at goodbye
With a wave and a hug
And a bitter taste left over
Was the only reminder
We ever got
Was the only warning
We would ever receive
It starts off low and heavy
With someone crying on the bass
My heart the only drum
Making it mellow and sad
And before you know it
Our lips are touching
And things start to get interesting
With a chorus bursting through
My sealed teeth
How I can sing with you standing
So close is beyond me
But I manage to do it
And it’s no mystery who the song is for
And who said that
It was over at goodnight
With a gentle brush
And a hesitant smile
Your taste still lingers
And it’s the only reminder
I will ever have
The only warning
I ever got
That is was over
And who said that
It was over at goodbye
With a wave and a hug
And a bitter taste left over
Was the only reminder
We ever got
Was the only warning
We would ever receive
That it would never really end
10/14/2007
Wild Flowers
Wild Flowers are the ones
That hurt the most
When they slowly die
They are the feelings
That give you so much joy
It causes you physical pain
Wild Flowers are the things
You never forget
Even after you say them time after time
They are the events
That will never fade
Even when your mind does
Wild Flowers are the things
You do when you need
To stop thinking those thoughts
They are the thoughts
You try so hard
To stop thinking
That hurt the most
When they slowly die
They are the feelings
That give you so much joy
It causes you physical pain
Wild Flowers are the things
You never forget
Even after you say them time after time
They are the events
That will never fade
Even when your mind does
Wild Flowers are the things
You do when you need
To stop thinking those thoughts
They are the thoughts
You try so hard
To stop thinking
9/25/2007
Sleep Now
Hey you, the one still awake
Its time to sleep now, you know
So lay back and close you eyes, now
Count the ceiling tiles, or maybe sheep
Imagine I am there, and we can take a nap
Hear my voice in your mind, singing
Feel my hand in yours, holding forevermore
Remember the times, the ones that don’t exist
And drift to a place, the place I will always be
Its time to sleep now, you know
So lay back and close you eyes, now
Count the ceiling tiles, or maybe sheep
Imagine I am there, and we can take a nap
Hear my voice in your mind, singing
Feel my hand in yours, holding forevermore
Remember the times, the ones that don’t exist
And drift to a place, the place I will always be
9/04/2007
You Thought Wrong
I missed you today
Did you feel it?
A slight twinge
When you thought
No one was looking
Just when you thought
No one cared
I cried for you today
Did you hear it?
A soft sound
Of sorrow and loss
Just when you least
Expected such a thing
Just when you thought
No one knew
I died for you today
Did you know it?
Silently and swiftly
By your hand alone
When you thought
The spot light was on you
Just when you thought
No one saw
Did you feel it?
A slight twinge
When you thought
No one was looking
Just when you thought
No one cared
I cried for you today
Did you hear it?
A soft sound
Of sorrow and loss
Just when you least
Expected such a thing
Just when you thought
No one knew
I died for you today
Did you know it?
Silently and swiftly
By your hand alone
When you thought
The spot light was on you
Just when you thought
No one saw
9/01/2007
Ugh
Take my breath away
She said
Open up my eyes
She asked
Save me from myself
She pleaded
And he said yes
I’ll dance with you in the rain
He said
I’ll show you the stars where I live
He promised
I’ll take you far from here
He insisted
Just as soon as I love someone else
She said
Open up my eyes
She asked
Save me from myself
She pleaded
And he said yes
I’ll dance with you in the rain
He said
I’ll show you the stars where I live
He promised
I’ll take you far from here
He insisted
Just as soon as I love someone else
8/09/2007
I have seen
This world
Burn
Sky and land
Turned to
Smoke and ash.
I have heard
Children cry
Angel’s voices
Lost in shouts
Of anger.
I have felt
A lover’s touch
Cringe from
Who they
Dare not say.
I have tasted
The salt
Of sweat
As I fight
Not to weep
In silent solitude
I wait
In screaming contemplation
I walk
In ear shattering stillness
I watch
With odds beyond logic
I hope
With a heart full of loss
I love
Torn in moral pieces
I support
With ears full of deaf melodies
I listen
To screams of pain I caused
I do nothing
For nothing can be done
This world
Burn
Sky and land
Turned to
Smoke and ash.
I have heard
Children cry
Angel’s voices
Lost in shouts
Of anger.
I have felt
A lover’s touch
Cringe from
Who they
Dare not say.
I have tasted
The salt
Of sweat
As I fight
Not to weep
In silent solitude
I wait
In screaming contemplation
I walk
In ear shattering stillness
I watch
With odds beyond logic
I hope
With a heart full of loss
I love
Torn in moral pieces
I support
With ears full of deaf melodies
I listen
To screams of pain I caused
I do nothing
For nothing can be done
8/08/2007
Romeo, oh Romeo
I lost a child
With brilliant red hair
You know the one?
I don’t suppose you do
She was always quiet
And kept to herself
Invisible almost
But now that she is gone,
Lost forever I fear,
I can remember everything,
About her, lucid images
Flash before my eyes of things
That were once so trivial
The way she hated her hair
One minute
And loved it the next
The creek down the street
She would catch frogs in
The way she didn’t care
What others thought of her
She would spend all day
Blissfully listening to music
She never really understood
And reading of worlds unknown
She was enthusiastic about everything
Drew even though she wasn’t that good
Wrote when she didn’t know how
Laughed carelessly
And danced in the rain
But she is gone
Lost to love and pain
And all that is left in her wake
Is a shadow of what used to be
With brilliant red hair
You know the one?
I don’t suppose you do
She was always quiet
And kept to herself
Invisible almost
But now that she is gone,
Lost forever I fear,
I can remember everything,
About her, lucid images
Flash before my eyes of things
That were once so trivial
The way she hated her hair
One minute
And loved it the next
The creek down the street
She would catch frogs in
The way she didn’t care
What others thought of her
She would spend all day
Blissfully listening to music
She never really understood
And reading of worlds unknown
She was enthusiastic about everything
Drew even though she wasn’t that good
Wrote when she didn’t know how
Laughed carelessly
And danced in the rain
But she is gone
Lost to love and pain
And all that is left in her wake
Is a shadow of what used to be
8/04/2007
Look to the Stars
I have a challenge for you
One I don’t know if you can complete
But I dare you not to try
I know that it’s in your nature to attack
Every challenge that comes your way
So here’s another for your enjoyment and growth
My challenge is thus;
Love with all you have
And live with out regret
Dance in the rain every chance you get
And never forget to look to the stars at night
When a full moon comes out,
Always sleep so it can caress your skin
And always remember
It was I who held your hand
When few others would
One I don’t know if you can complete
But I dare you not to try
I know that it’s in your nature to attack
Every challenge that comes your way
So here’s another for your enjoyment and growth
My challenge is thus;
Love with all you have
And live with out regret
Dance in the rain every chance you get
And never forget to look to the stars at night
When a full moon comes out,
Always sleep so it can caress your skin
And always remember
It was I who held your hand
When few others would
8/02/2007
The moon is setting
Can you see it?
It’s almost gone now
Leaving only us with the stars
The sun won’t rise again
And the moon has left us
There is no light at the end
Of this tunnel of darkness
But there are the stars
Pinpoints of hope
Poked out of the ceiling
For our enjoyment
Will you enjoy them with me?
Or will you leave me alone
Just like the sun, and the moon
To stare at those stars
With nothing left but memories
Of what used to be
Can you see it?
It’s almost gone now
Leaving only us with the stars
The sun won’t rise again
And the moon has left us
There is no light at the end
Of this tunnel of darkness
But there are the stars
Pinpoints of hope
Poked out of the ceiling
For our enjoyment
Will you enjoy them with me?
Or will you leave me alone
Just like the sun, and the moon
To stare at those stars
With nothing left but memories
Of what used to be
7/23/2007
9 Crimes
With a deaf ear
He listens
With a blind heart
He feels
With a broken leg
He walks
With a grim smile
He talks
With empty movements
He hugs
With a failing mind
He understands
With a broken soul
He fights
With a guilt ridden body
He hurts
With shaking hands
He pulls the trigger
He listens
With a blind heart
He feels
With a broken leg
He walks
With a grim smile
He talks
With empty movements
He hugs
With a failing mind
He understands
With a broken soul
He fights
With a guilt ridden body
He hurts
With shaking hands
He pulls the trigger
7/01/2007
I know you
I know you
The way that you walk
With a slight swagger
Like you are trying to impress
The way that your eyes
Glimmer at the sight
Of the one that you love
I know you
The way that you speak
With a confidence unmatched
And words that seem to flow
The way that you smile
When you read my letters
Like it is warming your heart
I know you
The way that you kiss
Tender and loving
Like no one else can feel
Quite as good
I know you
The way that feel
Soft and gentle
Never harsh
And when I come to you
In the middle of the night
You hold my face in your hands
And wipe the tears away
With a cares of your thumb
I know you
Even though
We have never met
The way that you walk
With a slight swagger
Like you are trying to impress
The way that your eyes
Glimmer at the sight
Of the one that you love
I know you
The way that you speak
With a confidence unmatched
And words that seem to flow
The way that you smile
When you read my letters
Like it is warming your heart
I know you
The way that you kiss
Tender and loving
Like no one else can feel
Quite as good
I know you
The way that feel
Soft and gentle
Never harsh
And when I come to you
In the middle of the night
You hold my face in your hands
And wipe the tears away
With a cares of your thumb
I know you
Even though
We have never met
6/22/2007
6/20/2007
6/19/2007
100 Times Over
I am sentimental. A sentimental fool, if you will. With the ideals of a romantic and a heart that can’t take much more abuse, most of which I bring upon myself. So what happens when I am spent? When I really can’t take any more? And all I have left is an empty husk full of regrets? I take chances to not be cold, let myself go at times to thaw out. But what about the times that I need to be cautious? What happens when I should hold myself back but for the fear of freezing I throw it all away? What happens when I look back and sigh, having nothing more to say about the past? What happens if I make him hurt me?
Breathe
One breath shot through my heart
Tearing it to shreds and making me fall
Skinned my knees and broke my wrists
Got a scar on my leg that shines white
My hands shake when I think about it now
And even the smoke doesn’t do what it used to
Two breaths and the healing began
With blood stained thread that pierced my heart
Painfully putting the pieces back together
Band-Aids on my knees and my wrists were set
I learned how to still the shakes with words
And the scar is still there, but faded a bit
Three breaths made me remember it all
I looked back and saw the mistakes
Told my story to help with understanding
Wrote it all down and read it twice
Heard my words thrown back at me
And tried hard not to cry when I see white on black
Four breaths and I am afraid
Where will I go when this is over
I turn the sand over and peer at what’s underneath
Only to find the past, battered and broken
Scars that come to after a shower
And I don’t know if I will ever get clean
Tearing it to shreds and making me fall
Skinned my knees and broke my wrists
Got a scar on my leg that shines white
My hands shake when I think about it now
And even the smoke doesn’t do what it used to
Two breaths and the healing began
With blood stained thread that pierced my heart
Painfully putting the pieces back together
Band-Aids on my knees and my wrists were set
I learned how to still the shakes with words
And the scar is still there, but faded a bit
Three breaths made me remember it all
I looked back and saw the mistakes
Told my story to help with understanding
Wrote it all down and read it twice
Heard my words thrown back at me
And tried hard not to cry when I see white on black
Four breaths and I am afraid
Where will I go when this is over
I turn the sand over and peer at what’s underneath
Only to find the past, battered and broken
Scars that come to after a shower
And I don’t know if I will ever get clean
6/15/2007
Please Tell Me
Who will save us now that the fire is burning?
And where will the water come from now
that the well is dry? Who will save us
now that the storm has finally
landed? And where will we
find shelter now that the
buildings have all
burned?
And where will the water come from now
that the well is dry? Who will save us
now that the storm has finally
landed? And where will we
find shelter now that the
buildings have all
burned?
6/10/2007
Hold her life in the palm of your hand
Wish it wasn’t so delicate
Feel her heart gently beat
And wish you were not pumping it
Love her with everything you have
And never let her go
Hold her life in the palm of your hand
And wish it wasn’t so
Be her crutch when she needs to walk
Wish you were stronger
Feel her weight on your shoulders
And wish your legs wouldn’t buckle
Care for her when she needs you
And never leave her side
Be her crutch when she needs to walk
And wish she could do so on her own
Calm her when she wakes
Wish the dreams would go away
Wipe her tears from her cheek
And wish you weren’t so weak
Comfort her with softly spoken words
And never stop talking
Calm her when she wakes
And wish she could stay asleep
Wish it wasn’t so delicate
Feel her heart gently beat
And wish you were not pumping it
Love her with everything you have
And never let her go
Hold her life in the palm of your hand
And wish it wasn’t so
Be her crutch when she needs to walk
Wish you were stronger
Feel her weight on your shoulders
And wish your legs wouldn’t buckle
Care for her when she needs you
And never leave her side
Be her crutch when she needs to walk
And wish she could do so on her own
Calm her when she wakes
Wish the dreams would go away
Wipe her tears from her cheek
And wish you weren’t so weak
Comfort her with softly spoken words
And never stop talking
Calm her when she wakes
And wish she could stay asleep
6/07/2007
Where am I?
California is where my heart is
Where I go for comfort and advice
A short trip to calm my nerves
And stir up old emotions
Pennsylvania is where my soul is
Where I walk to feel not so alone
A mere hundred miles and we are together
And my hands aren’t so cold
Canada is where my mind is
Where I go to think
My words flowing freely
To an ear willing to listen
Australia is where my inner child is
Where I go to blow off steam
And have a few laughs
Mindless fun I need once in a while
Home is where my body is
Where I return to, empty and cold
Unable to feel with out my self
Which is stuck somewhere across the world
Where I go for comfort and advice
A short trip to calm my nerves
And stir up old emotions
Pennsylvania is where my soul is
Where I walk to feel not so alone
A mere hundred miles and we are together
And my hands aren’t so cold
Canada is where my mind is
Where I go to think
My words flowing freely
To an ear willing to listen
Australia is where my inner child is
Where I go to blow off steam
And have a few laughs
Mindless fun I need once in a while
Home is where my body is
Where I return to, empty and cold
Unable to feel with out my self
Which is stuck somewhere across the world
6/05/2007
Blah Part Two
Future of clouds
I don’t know I want
But I sprint on wards
To school beyond
And away from here
To new faces
With a new name
A fresh page
And my favorite pen
I write the story
Of a little girl
Growing up with
Cuts and bruises
Just like everyone else
And as I script
Out this familiar life
I try not to fade
From life as I know it
Wipe the tears away
Thank you for
Putting them there
And hope for
Another day, another rain
And another chance
To write this all down
Past of shadow
I fear so much
And I run away
Instead of facing
Another day here
Wish it wasn’t this way
But I am much
Too tired to push
Any harder, to want
Any more. And when
The storm comes
I welcome it
Dancing in the rain
Imagining you in my hand
With a smile on your face
And words we both know
Aren’t true. But we will pretend
For my sake and
Maybe even yours
To see the clouds that aren’t there
And taste the rain
That isn’t falling
Hey there Delilah
Are you listening to me
To what I have to say
I swear you haven’t
Heard it before
Not the same old speech
I rewrote it with new meaning
And I hope you understand
This time around
And take what I say
To heart. Never forget
This was all because
Of you. Never deny
I did it all for you
And what you did
For me will never
Leave my mind
Not even for a moment
Not even for another
You are forever
And always will be
My first and only
Remember that
When I am gone
To a future of clouds
I know I don’t want
And away from this
Past of shadows
I fear so much
I don’t know I want
But I sprint on wards
To school beyond
And away from here
To new faces
With a new name
A fresh page
And my favorite pen
I write the story
Of a little girl
Growing up with
Cuts and bruises
Just like everyone else
And as I script
Out this familiar life
I try not to fade
From life as I know it
Wipe the tears away
Thank you for
Putting them there
And hope for
Another day, another rain
And another chance
To write this all down
Past of shadow
I fear so much
And I run away
Instead of facing
Another day here
Wish it wasn’t this way
But I am much
Too tired to push
Any harder, to want
Any more. And when
The storm comes
I welcome it
Dancing in the rain
Imagining you in my hand
With a smile on your face
And words we both know
Aren’t true. But we will pretend
For my sake and
Maybe even yours
To see the clouds that aren’t there
And taste the rain
That isn’t falling
Hey there Delilah
Are you listening to me
To what I have to say
I swear you haven’t
Heard it before
Not the same old speech
I rewrote it with new meaning
And I hope you understand
This time around
And take what I say
To heart. Never forget
This was all because
Of you. Never deny
I did it all for you
And what you did
For me will never
Leave my mind
Not even for a moment
Not even for another
You are forever
And always will be
My first and only
Remember that
When I am gone
To a future of clouds
I know I don’t want
And away from this
Past of shadows
I fear so much
6/04/2007
Empty Thoughts
I think
You need to dance in the rain
Is it raining where you are?
With clouds the color of ash
And warm water that seeps
The sun not daring to peak
As you feel the mud in your toes
I think
We need to hold hands
Should I come to you?
Or would you rather leave your home
And wrap your fingers in mine
Feeling the warmth of my palm
And realizing you never really left home at all
I think
You need to laugh
At nothing in particular
Just let it out and listen
As your voice sings to the world
Joyous yet not sure why
And the notes fill your like nothing else could
I think
You need to cry hard
Curl up in a blanket
Stare out the window
And push those tears down your cheek
And when your eyes finally dry
I will be there to tell you it’s alright
I think
You need someone
To listen to you when you have nothing to say
And to dance in the rain with you
To tell you it will be okay
And to hold your hand
As tears come down your porcelain face
I think
You need something more
Than what I can give
But until then I will stay
By your side and with an open ear
Until you find what it is that’s missing
Until you figure out what it is that’s holding you back
You need to dance in the rain
Is it raining where you are?
With clouds the color of ash
And warm water that seeps
The sun not daring to peak
As you feel the mud in your toes
I think
We need to hold hands
Should I come to you?
Or would you rather leave your home
And wrap your fingers in mine
Feeling the warmth of my palm
And realizing you never really left home at all
I think
You need to laugh
At nothing in particular
Just let it out and listen
As your voice sings to the world
Joyous yet not sure why
And the notes fill your like nothing else could
I think
You need to cry hard
Curl up in a blanket
Stare out the window
And push those tears down your cheek
And when your eyes finally dry
I will be there to tell you it’s alright
I think
You need someone
To listen to you when you have nothing to say
And to dance in the rain with you
To tell you it will be okay
And to hold your hand
As tears come down your porcelain face
I think
You need something more
Than what I can give
But until then I will stay
By your side and with an open ear
Until you find what it is that’s missing
Until you figure out what it is that’s holding you back
2/26/2007
girrrrr
Emily, what are you doing? Seriously, what the hell are you doing? You didnt sleep at all last night, didnt do any homework, which you have qquite a bit of, you didnt do anything. What are you doing? Was rock bottom not low enough for you? want to dig a little deeper? well, be my guest. here, i will even give you a shovel. but just remember this; i will not come down there to help you back out. at least one of us needs to be with the rest of the world, the normal world, the world that is not throwing their life away for what? Sleep? no, thats not it, becasue you arent getting any! Please, tell me what to do to help you, to motivate you, at this point, i am willing to do anything. Anything at all and its yours, just get up off of your ass and doing somthing. Go to school, write, do homework, read. Anything but play that damn video game and lie around thinking how shitty your life it. Enough is enough. Get up! I said get up! *hits self on head with shoe* Up up up!!!!!
2/21/2007
Blood and Chocolate
Jealous of someone I don’t know
For something I cant ever have
And angry at myself for these feelings
But I cant help myself
I told him how I felt
What more can I do but wait
Wait for someone else
And wait for him to be happy
Which I do wish to happen
Whether it be with me
Or someone else
He deserves at least that much
For all that he has done
For everything that he helped me through
He deserves so much more than happiness
For something I cant ever have
And angry at myself for these feelings
But I cant help myself
I told him how I felt
What more can I do but wait
Wait for someone else
And wait for him to be happy
Which I do wish to happen
Whether it be with me
Or someone else
He deserves at least that much
For all that he has done
For everything that he helped me through
He deserves so much more than happiness
2/18/2007
Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating. My profile name: pulchralacuna |
2/16/2007
ZZZZzzzz
I feel tired. Tired of chasing people who don’t want me. Tired of sleeping all the time. Tired of being lazy. Tired of not being confident. Tired of my blog, my writing, my poems. Everything seems to be the same. There is nothing new in my life and I am tired of it. I need something new. A partner, a friend, a drinking buddy. Anything is better than what I have, which is nothing. And I just realized, nothing is what I have had for a long, long time. Even when Michelle and I were together, she was never mine. I was hers. I had nothing and I still do. I just want something, anything.
WTB NEW LIFE, PTS ME
WTB NEW LIFE, PTS ME
1/30/2007
When Darkness Falls
In the darkness
My demons come out
To play with my head
And mess with my emotions
But when the light shines
They all flee
To stay in wait
While the sun shines
But I alone know
That when the moon comes
With it the haunts too
And sleep is a far off dream
My demons come out
To play with my head
And mess with my emotions
But when the light shines
They all flee
To stay in wait
While the sun shines
But I alone know
That when the moon comes
With it the haunts too
And sleep is a far off dream
1/26/2007
Phoenix and Ashes
Everything that I know is falling apart
Millions of pieces I cant begin to patch
Relationships lost forever and good
Loves that I will never hold slip away
Sand in my hands, I watch it grain by grain
Until only one remains, and that is a small hope
One not large enough for these wholes
One that cannot possibly fill all of me
Everything I know is falling apart
Millions of things I wish I said
Relationships lost forever and good
Loves never known smolder out
The flame lost, only ash remains
And I must try and find the phoenix
Among the ruble and the many pieces of me
Will I find hope, or just another you?
Millions of pieces I cant begin to patch
Relationships lost forever and good
Loves that I will never hold slip away
Sand in my hands, I watch it grain by grain
Until only one remains, and that is a small hope
One not large enough for these wholes
One that cannot possibly fill all of me
Everything I know is falling apart
Millions of things I wish I said
Relationships lost forever and good
Loves never known smolder out
The flame lost, only ash remains
And I must try and find the phoenix
Among the ruble and the many pieces of me
Will I find hope, or just another you?
1/22/2007
1/21/2007
1/17/2007
Reasons
Because I am tired
Because being awake hurts too much
Because you’re too loud
Because the sun is too bright
Because the bed is warm
Because it doesn’t talk to me
Because I don’t have to talk back
Because life is so simple behind closed eyes
Because beyond that door is too far
Because my cat is on top of me
Because you wont leave me alone
Because I am happy at this moment
Because I don’t want my dream to go away
Because Russian has too many rules
Because life has too few
Because I have writer’s block
Because no one’s online
Because I am bored
Because there is school
Because it’s just too damn easy
To keep laying right here.
Because being awake hurts too much
Because you’re too loud
Because the sun is too bright
Because the bed is warm
Because it doesn’t talk to me
Because I don’t have to talk back
Because life is so simple behind closed eyes
Because beyond that door is too far
Because my cat is on top of me
Because you wont leave me alone
Because I am happy at this moment
Because I don’t want my dream to go away
Because Russian has too many rules
Because life has too few
Because I have writer’s block
Because no one’s online
Because I am bored
Because there is school
Because it’s just too damn easy
To keep laying right here.
1/15/2007
1/12/2007
Can You Hear the Dead
Silence can echo
I swear it can
Louder than any heartbeat
And making more impact than the gunshot
After the smoke has lifted
It settles heavily
Silence can echo
I swear it can
And when the carnage removed
It lingers still haunting
Louder than the sobs
And the falling tears
Silence can echo
I swear it can
In the hearts of the ones we lost
The ones we didn’t know
After the accused go to trial
And in the moment when the gavel strikes
Silence can echo
I swear it can
That day back at school
With a few gone forever
When no one looks
Back at the empty desk
Silence can echo
Can you hear it?
I swear it can
Louder than any heartbeat
And making more impact than the gunshot
After the smoke has lifted
It settles heavily
Silence can echo
I swear it can
And when the carnage removed
It lingers still haunting
Louder than the sobs
And the falling tears
Silence can echo
I swear it can
In the hearts of the ones we lost
The ones we didn’t know
After the accused go to trial
And in the moment when the gavel strikes
Silence can echo
I swear it can
That day back at school
With a few gone forever
When no one looks
Back at the empty desk
Silence can echo
Can you hear it?
1/08/2007
Story Of A Girl
I’ll tell you a story
Of a girl so lost
She couldn’t find herself
And when she searched
It was in vain
For what she was
Was long gone
And all that was left
Was a broken soul
In need of love
She refused to take
Of a girl so lost
She couldn’t find herself
And when she searched
It was in vain
For what she was
Was long gone
And all that was left
Was a broken soul
In need of love
She refused to take
1/05/2007
fkjafghas;h
I never meant to make you cry
No tears were meant to fall
My intentions were full of heart
But sometimes that’s just not enough
I never meant to make it bleed
No blood was meant to be shed
My intentions were full of heart
But sometimes that’s just not enough
So what do you do
When you’re all spent
And all you’ve got left
Isn’t even enough to wake
And what will you tell me
The morning after
When all your promises
Are dropped with those tears.
I never meant to make you leave
No bags were meant to be packed
My intentions were full of heart
But sometimes that’s just not enough
I never meant to make you break
No cracks were meant to grow
My intentions were full of heart
But sometimes that’s just not enough
So what do you do
When you’re all spent
And all you’ve got left
Isn’t enough to make you whole
And what will you tell me
The morning after
When all your whispers fade into the light
And all I can see is the truth
My intentions were full of heart
But sometimes that’s just not enough
Wish it was
But sometimes it’s just not enough
No tears were meant to fall
My intentions were full of heart
But sometimes that’s just not enough
I never meant to make it bleed
No blood was meant to be shed
My intentions were full of heart
But sometimes that’s just not enough
So what do you do
When you’re all spent
And all you’ve got left
Isn’t even enough to wake
And what will you tell me
The morning after
When all your promises
Are dropped with those tears.
I never meant to make you leave
No bags were meant to be packed
My intentions were full of heart
But sometimes that’s just not enough
I never meant to make you break
No cracks were meant to grow
My intentions were full of heart
But sometimes that’s just not enough
So what do you do
When you’re all spent
And all you’ve got left
Isn’t enough to make you whole
And what will you tell me
The morning after
When all your whispers fade into the light
And all I can see is the truth
My intentions were full of heart
But sometimes that’s just not enough
Wish it was
But sometimes it’s just not enough
1/02/2007
Burning Embers
The sparks fly up
While embers burn
I thought that they were angry
Thought that they wanted my blood
The many years of running
From the light of them
Afraid of their warmth
Afraid that it would burn
And only after you showed me otherwise
Only after you threw a white-hot coal my way
Did I learn otherwise
I learned that they only wanted to comfort
That their light was wondrous
And that together they cannot burn
Learned that I wanted them
Wanted their tingles all over me
And the weird glow that it gave me
That motivation I was lacking
I only hope that it gave you as much as it gave me.
While embers burn
I thought that they were angry
Thought that they wanted my blood
The many years of running
From the light of them
Afraid of their warmth
Afraid that it would burn
And only after you showed me otherwise
Only after you threw a white-hot coal my way
Did I learn otherwise
I learned that they only wanted to comfort
That their light was wondrous
And that together they cannot burn
Learned that I wanted them
Wanted their tingles all over me
And the weird glow that it gave me
That motivation I was lacking
I only hope that it gave you as much as it gave me.
Apologies
I would like to apologize for my lask few posts, I was kind of breaking down. All better now though, and hopefully my poems wont suck as bad as they did there.
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