Bad Me

This is not a poem. I will go ahead and say that right from the start so I do not try and mold it into one, or lie to myself and say that it is. You see, I do not like posting non-poems on my site. I have no clue why, so don’t ask. But I needed to write something. You see, I am an insomniac. That is I would be if I didn’t write. And that means that when I have the brick wall in form of me, known so commonly as writers block, I can not sleep. This is a problem because I worked nine hours today and I must work eleven hours tomorrow and last night I only got 3 hours of sleep. See, problem. So I am writing this ranting, meandering, tangent of a piece to attempt to sleep a few winks (that was fun to write) tonight. Wow. That makes no sense. You do not wink when you are sleeping so why do people say that they are trying to sleep a few winks? Yet another mystery of this messed up world that we live in.
After reading that last paragraph I have decided that my vocabulary sucks. I declare that I will learn a new word every day form now on. How much you wanna bet that that declaration will last a week before I declare, silently of course, that I can not do it. Or even, better yet, I simply forget that I ever made that declaration in the first place. The story of my life; unfinished works and unfulfilled goals. I wish I wasn’t lazy. That would solve all my problems. Like instead of talking to who ever reads this, if any one does, I should try to change. But it is 12:45 and I am tired as hell, but I can’t sleep because too much is on my mind. If only I knew what all of that was I might be able to think it all through and go to bed. But instead it is in a locked drawer that I know not where the key is. What an irking predicament. I like that word, predicament. Its fun to say and I can say it all the time because hey, guess what, I am always in one.
New topic any one? How about the fact that I haven’t written in any of my stories for a week? Or the one where I am over worked and tired? Oh, right, already covered that one. Well how about the one that I am bored with my life and need a change of scenery, a turn from the norm? Or how about the one where I am sick and tired of talking instead but I cant seem to find the motivation to do anything? That one sounds good, but I am too tired to write any more tonight.

Kleenex

You stole my hands
Of which I do not hold against you
Yours were broken
And mine were numb
Just make sure you return them in working order
I want them numb just like you got them
No feeling of pain or fear
No sense of shame or worry
Cold and dying
On their way to the silver gate
They left me willingly
Knowing no greatness lie here
Foreseeing the dead ends
And stalls in progress
They left me here alone
With no way to blow my nose
And nothing to grasp the tissue with

Lost dreams lost on things unknown.

Do we ever truly know who we are until we lose all that made us that in the first place

This God of Mine

This god of mine
Please let me be
Let the tears flow
And the blows fall
This god of mine
I need you no more
Though common misconception says neigh
Please let me be
And give me flight
This god of mine
What power does yee yield
I have seen it all
But nothing of yours
This god of mine
I need some space
Reasons and room
Will be all you can offer
This god of mine
Please let me be
And let the tears flow
And the blows fall

This god of mine

Take off the cloak

And show your familiar face

I knew when I was young

This god of mine

Please give me back my sister

I never truly had

Venting Creations

I need to vent
Through words and poems
I need to vent.
But instead it all comes out
Through water and sobs
Through anger and sadness
It all comes out
I need to vent
To friends and family
To ones that care
But no one is there
And my anger pushes them all away
I need to vent
I need support
From you and your rock solid shell
But there's a crack
And any more pressure will have you has damaged as I
I need to vent
I need support
I need to vent.

F.Y.I.

A meaning less paper

With a dribble of words

Yet no one knows

I'm none the wiser

Burn the fire

Of all lost hope

Its light will reflect

For always in saphire

Help the poor

To get good marks

If no one's watchin

You'll help never more

The porverbial tree

In the empty firest

Makes no sound

So just let it be

It's a strange feeling

To lose it all

With no one left

To help with the cleaning

Advice

Train yourself to let go of every thing you lose to fear

Ink Dragon

There are elves with magic horses and witches fighting vampires. Confused teens trying to figure life out and crazy killers arguing with themselves about right and wrong. Every day I live in here. Every day I escape to this. Create and mold, shape and hold. I love them and they love me. They are me and I am them. They are words, wondrous and magical words. On second thought, they are not really words, they are ink dragons. And they fly around my room at night, my dreams giving them flight.

Hard and Fast

Hard and fast I fell
Like many times before
What makes this different
I ask myself
Than any time that past

It is the way I know not you
Nor the shield erected with careful precision
For years of hatred and pain
Shut up in a world so dark and cold
I long to see underneath it all
To poke and prod and have reaction
My touch does not reach beyond the shell
Please let my heat melt the ice

You have so long called it home
I need to see inside so much
Need to see the real you
But behind your walls you stay so still
With not so much as a whisper
Those tears of yours just freeze in place
To haunt you ever more
In silent dreams you waste

My love please let me in
Ask me naught, just please open
I need to feel that warmth
I know is down there, deep
For I grow colder still
Without your loving touch
Not only yourself do you wither down to naught
But I too shall follow suit

To live a life with out love
Because love has betrayed your heart time again
Is to live a life in silent tears
And resent loving sobs

Are We On The Same Page?

I find it funny how one person can give me so much joy
And that same person can turn my world upside-down
I find it peculiar how one person can save me from myself
And that same person hurts me without a second thought

I find it odd how a bond can be made stronger than blood
And yet it can be ignored as easily as water
Do you?

One for the Money

I am sitting here contemplating the meaning of life
I am disabled from the three ton weight on my shoulders
I can’t even stand up straight any more
One for all the misdeeds of the past
One fore the present
One for the future
I have no life in me any more
I can’t see me in the mirror
I can only see the molds
One for what I should be
One for what I should become
One for who I should talk to
I can’t read anymore
I can’t write anymore
I am forever stuck in the monotonies of my life
One for the closed door
One for the window
One for the locked closet
I am forcing every thing
I have nothing real anymore
I am cursing the blinking curser
One blink for reminder
One blink for urging
One blink for mockery
I am fearful of what can not be feared
I am falling off a three feet cliff
I hit the bottom over and over
One time for messing up
One time for an inevitable mess up
One time for the hell of it
I am punishable by death
I wish I did something wrong
I have nothing on the surfaces
One for cover up
One for protection
One so no one ever knows
I need a knife to cut this
I need to get away
I need to break down the walls
One in front stopping me from advancing
One to the right preventing a duck around
One to the left as a last resort
I turn around and go back
I relive the death and pain
I go all the way back to all my pasts
One for the suicide
One for the tears
One for the trauma

Right, Wrong, and Death

It was said, a long time ago, that perfection is not possible, that only one who can be serene with himself as he was born is perfect and that said perfection is only obtained in the mind of a man, not the form, thoughts, or actions. Yet society strived to be perfect and wanted every one to follow. Models were tall, sculpted, beautiful in every way imaginable, and became the role models of the world’s youth. Intelligence over stupidity, beauty over ugliness, height over stunted growth. These are what the leaders, the owners, the thinkers, the role models, all wanted and there for what every one else wanted. Perfect. It is only natural to want beauty, brains, and kindness in a mate and there for this is what is socially acceptable. After the out-lawing of same sex relations one who doesn’t follow the unwritten code of what is and what isn’t Socially Acceptable is instantly ostracized and casted out of said society. This is what the world has come to. This is the world that our fathers’ fought, died, and worked hard to make for us. This is the world that I live in.
But how, you ask, can one such as yourself feel this way? How can a truly perfect being feel that it is wrong to love and even worship perfect people? Because I, unlike you and your damned “Society”, am human. I feel things. I think things. And I do not follow any one that I am morally opposed to. Now you ask how can a killer, a being that was made for the destruction of other human beings, have things such as morals. This is how; we will all die. Weather it be today, tomorrow, next week, in fifty years or a hundred makes no difference. What you do on your last day on this retched earth does not make you who you are. It is what you have done in the past that matters. If you were ever asked “What will you do on your last day on Earth?” you should be able to respond “Nothing different than what I have done for the past twenty”. What you do is who you are and one damn day can’t, won’t, and never will change that. So, yes I am a killer, yes I have morals, yes I believe in right and wrong. But it is I who makes these morals, not society. It is I who decides what is right and wrong for myself. To decide for any one else would be a mental dictatorship and that is wrong, in my opinion.

Piano Man

Ivory on ivory, her slender fingers moved smoothly across the glistening keys of the piano. The composition was that of her own and it was for me, I knew that from the passion that she was playing with, but it was…well, it was sad, to say the least. Deep, depressing, hitting my soul like it were a bass drum and the music the padded mallet (though I still wonder how padded that mallet was this particular instance). I could not deny the beauty of it, for it was just that, but I could also not deny the emotion that it awakened in me like nothing else I had ever experienced. It may have been for me but it was by no means about me or our relationship in any way what so ever. Be that as it may, she kept playing as if it was, as if the piece that she had written was in fact a narrative of us, for nothing other the topic of our relationship had ever ignited a passion such as what I witnessed that day.
She ended it with a rather dramatic low key that hung in the air for several long moments while she sat, eyes closed and fingers poised as if she was not done. But then she set those delicate hands on her knees and hung her head, the effort it took to play like what she had just done too much for her already weakened soul. I went to her then, as quickly as I could I went to her side and lent her my shoulder to weep on, for I could do naught else to comfort the only being that has ever touched my heart the way that the late Christian had touched hers. Maybe I was wrong, maybe the piece was written for me after all but about him. Yes, that makes much more sense. How silly of me to think that she actually cared about me the way that she had done so towards him. He was, after all, her first true love, and I know as well as the next man that those are the hardest to forget, if indeed you ever do. I could never forget her the way that I am asking her to forget him. How damned selfish of me to think in such a way.

NOTICE

Ok, here's the deal; I have these really desrciptive shorty blups that I want some feedback on so this is no longer a poetry only blog. Hope you all enjoy these and for any one who is angry with me for giving into temptation and putting non-poetry on my blog, these do sort of have a poetry-ish vibe to them so deal with it.

Catalyst Of Night

Catalytic behaviors consume
Can’t stop the need to change
Can’t fight the urge to stir
Must have something to do with the child hood
Must have something to do with the burns
Burns of an unforgotten past
Burns of a destructive future
Burns of an abusive present
And burns of my own hand in fate

Stuck

I am a dreamless dreamer without a bed

Non Existent

Stone silence
Is all I ask for
A silent serenity
Of pure black
Oily in its consistency
Never ending
And never fading
Off into the retched gray
That seems to consume my life

I long for
A tragic ending
Of lost love
And dramatic death
That I may burry myself in
For ever and ever
Never to resurface
Never to darken the world
With my presence again

I await the end of time
Like an inevitable sunset
When all thoughts rest on one
And all eyes watch each other
A time of no time
Where this darkness presides
And I may find myself truly alone
In my fantasy
Where time is irrelevant

I am patiently impatient
Longing for what I may never have
And awaiting a time that may never come
In my cave of existence
I sit alone
Watching, waiting, listening
For a sign that may never come
A sign I know deep down
Never will

Reminders

Sweet beauty
So soft and innocent
Please remind me
What it’s like
To be loved once more

Beautiful child
So free and careless
Please remind me
What it’s like
To be a child once more

Gentle angel
So sharp and deadly
Please remind me
What it’s like
To be that way once more

Oh harsh lover
Unfulfilled and willing
Please remind me
What it’s like
To be cared for once more

An ode to death
So dark and sinful
Please remind me
What it’s like
To live without hope once more

Reminders
So blunt and harsh
Please don’t let me forget
Who I am
And where I’ve been

Seductive Destruction

Sweet Kindling
Please take this pain
I can not bear its wrath
And I have no protection
From its harsh accusations

Soft Razor
Please give me direction
I am lost within this mess
With no where to go
And no map to guide me

Smooth Stoli
Please numb the pain
To a point beyond repair
I can’t take its incessant battering
Upon my already cracked skull

Supple Liquid
Please take my breath
It burns me inside
And I have no means
Of putting out the fire

Seductive Death
Please take me away
To a place beyond their reach
Where no one can find me
And solitude is my only enemy

Scarred For Life

A scarlet tragedy
Unforeseen
And unwelcome
Trampling on what once was
A perfect life

A scarlet tragedy
Blinded by its attempts
To ruin a childhood
Untouched by future events
And unknowing of its effect

A scarlet tragedy
Cutting the flesh
That once was flawless
In its beauty
Is now scarred for life