This is a conversation I had with the best friend of the girl I am dating; enjoy.

Friend
Dear Emily,

Are you aware that you are ruining my best friend's life? That you're making her lie to people that she's spent all her childhood with? Are you aware that you're a filthy, manipulative bitch? Miranda deserves a nicer, prettier, and more accomodating girl, not someone who's forcing her into an uncomfortable third wheel position. You basically are taking her away from her family and choice of college so that she can stay with you in a place where she has nothing. And I wouldn't even be sticking my nose into this if I didn't already know what kind of person you are. You are SELFISH, IMMATURE, and you have no idea what you're talking about.

Maybe you and Ben will actually get married. But you will split up. You two WILL fight because you're so immature that you won't be able to hold up a relationship like that. And when you guys split, you'll both be trying to force Miranda to take your respective sides. You will ruin her. You will not make her happy. Your chances of making her happy are the same chances of you actually losing some weight and getting a shape that doesn't look like a bowling pin. Zero.

I know that nothing I say will make you leave Miranda in peace. But I'm so mad and I hate you so much that I really feel like I need to say something. I love Miranda. She is my best friend on this whole planet and she has made me into what I am now. I will not sit by and watch you destroy her. Already you have made her do things that she is personally against. If you care anything about her, you will leave. You already have a fiance you selfish bitch, stop trying to have more. And don't give me any shit saying that if Miranda wanted to leave then she would, because you know that that's not true. She's not like that. So just leave.

You don't care for her like Sarah and I do.

Me
January 12 at 12:22am
Dear Friend,
I am going to assume that, having written me a letter in the first place, you will respect my response to such hefty allegations that you have laid upon me. In a just world one has the right to defend themselves against allegations and that’s what I plan to do. I pray you read this and, though has hard headed as you are I doubt this will happen, you acknowledge that some of my points are in fact valid.
You say that I am ruining Miranda’s life and that I will never make her happy. I believe that if you ask her she will tell you otherwise. You say that I will end up leaving her and will ruin her life in this way. Well maybe, who can say what the future holds, but I also believe that if you ask Miranda, your so called friend (I say this because if she were your friend you would respect her wishes and her life enough to be happy that she is happy) she will say that she would trade that unhappiness for the bliss she has now. You say I am taking her away from her family. So you want her to be stuck in the park for the rest of her life? Some friend you are. You say I am taking away her choice of college. She really wants to go to a community college? You say I will never lose weight? I’ve lost over 60 pounds in the past year. (Furthermore you say I am the immature one? You are the one who is bringing up materialistic and vain things like appearances into this).
I am happy to accept any insults you throw at me, any issues you have with our relationship, and problems you have with my personality, as long as they are valid complaints. Telling me that I am selfish, that I am immature…well, anyone who actually knows me, knows me more than someone who has spent no more than a few hours with me, will laugh at you. So if you want to try again to insult and piss me off, please be my guest, but like I said, at least make valid complaints like “I play too many video games” or “I have a weakness for chocolate”.

Me
January 12 at 12:30am
P.S.
I don’t hate you Ashley. In fact, out of most of Miranda’s friends, you are one of my favorites. I just wish that you would see what you are doing to her, what you tearing at this relationship is doing to the one you claim to care so much about. I wish that you would support her as a friend should, give advice when she asked for it, and be there when she needs you, instead of beating her up for choosing this life every chance you get. Do her a favor and think about it, really think about it, and hopefully you will understand that she, as hard headed as she is, wont benefit from you telling her not do things, but rather telling her it’s alright if she does and that you will be there for her if things do fall apart. That’s what she needs, she needs a friend now more than ever and I had hoped that you would be that friend for her.

Friend
I think what’s funny about this is that you said that I’m beating her up over this. Actually, I’m only beating you up. I don’t blame her for any of this happening, I blame you. I blame the girl shreiking into the phone when Miranda tries to spend five fucking minutes of her life trying to talk to me. I blame the girl turning Miranda into a hypocrite. I have never in my life told Miranda not to date you, not to move. I have specifically told her that I would accept whatever she chose. But I cannot in fact accept this, but I haven’t given her shit for it. I have told her that I can’t be with her when you are around. No, I blame you for everything. Miranda is a good person and just has a lack of self-respect. I blame the girl that said, “either you date me or we can’t be friends”. Knowing Miranda, it is easy to say that you backed her into a corner. If she had loved you, if she had wanted to be with you, she would have accepted your invitation sooner. Think about that one.
Another thing, calling me hard headed and assuming that I wouldn’t read your responce is hilarious. God, I hate you. Let’s make that one clear. I’ve hated you from the day you mocked my tetris abilities. Let me tell you something about Sarah. She is a good person all around. She doesn’t deserve you running around and ripping away her best friend. I’m 100% positive that Miranda doesn’t hate her company. I’m positive that she doesn’t hate my company. So why, out of an entire month, was I only able to spend ONE fucking night with her? Because of you. You, the 17 year old girl who thinks it’s smart to get engaged to a guy you’ve never met. You, the girl who is so eager to get away from home. If you were so traumatized, you wouldn’t be such a bitch about everything, you’d probably be the opposite. I hate people like you, whining about your lives when they’re amazing compared to so many others. But enough about my hatred for you.
Don’t pretend that you give a shit if she moves out of the park or not. You’ll use her up and then move on, I swear on all that I have that that will happen. And going to an affordable college with her family and friends there to support her is not saying she’ll stay there forever. You’d think you’d have a little more confidence in her. Moving to Kentucky near a fucking army base with no one is going to ruin things. I know plenty of people that moved to an unknown place because of a significant other, then broke up and had no where to go. It’s miserable. You think Miranda is happy now, maybe so. You’re her first girlfriend. Yay for 18 year old euphoria. I’m glad she’s having fun. Now. But you’re trying to drag her into your life. Your life as it is now is a shithole. All you have is her and your hick fiance. Miranda will never turn her back on you but he will. You think he’s serious about this threesome? No, he’s a guy and he’s just happy to be fucking two girls and getting away with it. He’ll meet some bitch in the army and leave you.
By the way, saying that you “play too many video games” or are “Addicted to chocolate” are not valid arguments in any way shape or form. If I judged you over that then I really would be the immature one. If you honestly think that way then, wow, you’re a lot worse than I thought. I’m pretty intuitive if you didn’t know. And I don’t sit by and watch an injustice prevail, especially when it’s happening to someone that I care so fucking much about.
P.S. You guys don’t have a relationship. You have a clusterfuck. It won’t end well. I promise you.

Friend
oh, and one other thing. I did in fact tell her that I would be there for her when things fell apart. Why don’t you try talking to her first before you make assumptions. Again I’ll state, if I wanted to yell at her for it I would have done it, but instead I’m bitching you out. Because you, dear, are the problem.

Me
January 12 at 1:15am
I guess at this point the only thing I can say is, since you did what I expected and got angry over a completely civil letter, is say thank you for being a good friend to Miranda for so long and I can only hope that you will continue to do so no matter what happens with the three of us, which I do think you will do judging by how much you do care about her. With that I say good bye, and I will let you know every ten years or so how things are going. That’s all I can really do at this point when people refuse to even hope that things could possibly be good for me, for Miranda, and for Ben.

Me
January 12 at 1:20am
I’m sorry, but I can’t resist saying that yes, you are not yelling at her for any of this, but you are yelling at me and she knows this. You should know her well enough by now to know that she is blaming herself for you hating me, blaming her actions for your feelings on the matter. Even if you don’t blame her, yell at her, or confront her on this, she takes it like you are. You should know better.

Friend
You’ll let me know every ten years or so? HAH. That’s good. First of all, I let Miranda know that I was writing this. She didn’t ask me to stop. Second of all, you guys won’t last one year, so don’t give me any shit about ten years. You don’t have any friends, you don’t know what it means to have friends, so you think that you can just hoard her away and everything will be fine. Again, stop acting like you’re all high and mighty and you know what’s best for Miranda. You don’t even know what’s best for yourself. Trust me, while I still have a fighting chance, I will not let you hurt her. She needs advice, you’re right, but apparantly you only think it’s advice if it works out for you. You’re like a poisonous leech sucking the life out of her. But I guess I won’t say anymore to you. It doesn’t do any good. I was more or less looking to vent. But soon enough she’ll see what you are. And that will be priceless.

Me Today at 4:43pm
Don’t ‘vent’ to me to stupid fucking bitch. I’m so fucking sick of being nice to you, hoping you will see reason, so I quit. I’m done, you won, I’m going rain hell on you like you’ve never seen. You think I’m the immature one? You are the one who couldn’t be man enough to see I was trying to be fucking civil with you. My relationship wont last? Hasn’t that fag of yours cheated on you already? And I’m the one who is going to end up alone? You need a big fucking reality check, and you need to leave me and Miranda the fuck alone. You know she wont tell you not to do something, she doesn’t want to get in a fight with you. And if you didn’t know that, fuck you even more. I’m so sick of everything goddamned thing in this world throwing punches at me every turn I make because I’m trying to be the better man and say you all just have your own opinions. Fuck that. I’m done. You are a pathetic piece of shit excuse for human life who dislikes the entire human population because they just aren’t up to your standards. News flash, your intelligent, no one is ever going to be good enough for Miranda in your eyes. Would you prefer Frost? Because if I leave her and she doesn’t off herself, that’s what’s going to happen. So if you really want me to, I will leave her, but I really think you should rethink that little plan of yours of her living happily ever without me before you ever fucking talk to me again.
p.s. I’d do good to stay away from me, because if I ever see you again I am going to have a shit load of medical bills to pay for and that’s just one more reason I will want to spit on your corpse.

Rule #1: Everyone is playing the game

I’m flying, now
I’m falling down too
Dark abyss, that’s
To cliché for me
That’s the truth, and
It’s complete bull
So I’m giving up, now
I’m giving in too
This. Love is so lost
So I must, have I
Lost the Game yet?

I talked to her today and when she spoke to me she wasn’t
~~~~~~~~~really speaking to me but rather who I once was.

So what do I do now that the one person
~~~~~~~~~who once saw everything is blind?

I told you I was falling the other day
~~~~~~~~~~and you said you would be there

To catch me when I hit the bottom
~~~~~~~~~~but then I asked "what if you can't?"

There’s a cold fire
And I’m naked
There’s a warm heart
And I’m still frozen

And you’ll never, never get it
And you’ll never, never make it

There’s a cold fire
And I’m stranded
There’s a warm heart
And I’m still immune

And you’ll never, never get it
And you’ll never, never make it

And there’s a cold fire
That will sputter
And There’s a warm heart
That will cool down
And you’ll never, never get it
And you’ll never, never make it

Last winter I was sleeping in my sister's room. I couldn't sleep in my room, still don't know why. Anyways, when the trees are all bare, and the sky behind them is gray with the snow clouds the branches look like silhouettes against it. Over winter break, when Justin left, I would lie in my sister's room and stare at the trees. Everything felt so cold. From the one window the way the branches laid against each other, I could see a woman's face in them. She seemed so sad, like the trees themselves were holding her down, keeping her there. And when the wind blew it looked like she was trying to escape. But she never could. I would lie there for hours staring at her, staring at the blank gray spaces that were her eyes. The sky is that same gray color, a white that's not really white, but there are leaves still. Makes me wonder if she's still there, or if the trees grew and she finally got out.

Waiting

Patiently impatient
For a dream that may never come
She says it’s a nightmare
Says it’s not something I really want
But I know how this heart of mine works
By this point in time
I know how this heart of mine works
Well enough to know
This dream of mine
Is not the terror of demons she speaks
Nor the ugly tragedy she denies
But rather the dream I long for
The dream I’ll wait for
Full of beauty in a bloody guise
Hatred wearing a mask of lies
All of which I yearn to see the truth in
But more than that
I’ll wait for the day she gives up willingly
The day she’ll stop fighting with herself
Stop fighting with me
And give me my dream of her own accord

I tried the other day to imagine a world without you
~~~~~~~~~~one where your touch meant nothing to me

I tried, but the only thought that came to my mind was
~~~~~~~~~I can't.

In response to; http://mjrh2008.blogspot.com/2008/08/on-my-sleeve.html

She’d wear her heart out on her sleeve
If she wasn’t so afraid
Of who may come and snatch it up
So she holds it close to her chest
In a feeble attempt to keep it whole

She never meant to wear her heart out on her sleeve
Now she sees I’ve taken it
And she can’t ask to have it back
Can only hope I keep it all intact

I never meant to steal her heart
Never could have asked to hold it
Not really sure how this all happened
Nor where we go from here

But I promise that I will keep it safe
Protect it from harm and keep it warm
Cradle it in my hands
Until the day comes that she builds up the courage
To ask for it to placed back on her sleeve

Am I just the closest thing to good that you could find?

You know that saying, "kill one, save a thousand", well I think I am saving two, and killing so much more.

I remember the little things, the things that no one else does, the things that when brought up in a conversation gets looks and comments such as “No, it was purple, not yellow” just because that person doesn’t want to admit to having forgotten the color of the flowers. This is both a blessing and a curse in that being a writer it helps when I am doing something descriptive and a curse because I am only a teenager and there for my thoughts on the subject are quickly thrown aside just like the dead yellow flowers. I guess, now that I think about it, my stubbornness doesn’t help much either.

My grandmother died when I was ten. That’s not to long ago for me being only fifteen. I should remember it clearly, right? Nope, not me. I don’t remember what I wore or what my family wore for that matter other than the safe assumption that it was black. I don’t remember what she was in either. I know I didn’t cry. And I remember sitting down in the basement of our funeral home holding a styrofoam cup with sugar and some coffee with my dad sitting next to me with a styrofoam cup half full of pure black liquid. I remember sitting in the front row. I had, and have, gone to a lot of funerals but never before had I sat in the front row. I didn’t, and still don’t, know any of the people’s names who attended even though I see them often. I should. I just don’t. And I remember, more clearly than any thing else, an old lady sitting in the back of the room with a large purple hat. She was old, older than dirt, and as I sat staring at her not caring because I was a ten year old kid, all I could think was ‘she should be in that casket, not Baba’. I saw her in church the following week and she was wearing the large purple hat again. I think she may be dead now, but I don’t know. I don’t even know her name. But when ever I think of my grandmother’s funeral all that comes to mind is what I thought about that women. And her large purple hat.

once again lost for a title...

I’d tell you my plan
But I’m too afraid you’d find some way to foil it
With a broken heart
And a will that’s long gone
I’m confident of your ability
To step aside
When danger comes rushing in
So I’m gonna keep quiet
Mind my own
And keep you in the corner of my eye
Peripheral vision keeping tabs
Of you and your every move
And while I may lose track every once in a while
I am sill always here
Watching
Waiting
And soon you’ll see my plan
Unfold like a burning piece of paper
And it will all be so clear to you
So you will ask yourself
How could I have missed it?
And there is only one answer
The answer I just so happen to be hoping for;
Love blinds us

I can't do this. I can't sit here and get called selfish and self centered and unkind and a bitch by my own mother while he is on the other side of the world. I can't love someone who I can't touch, who I can't hold. I can't do this. I can't have him as my only source of strength, sitting there thinking to myself I'll talk to him soon and everything will okay again. I can't put everything I have on him, give everything I am to him. I can't wait for him only to have him leave again. I can't wait for over a year for my life to start. I can't do this. So how the hell am I? Tell me how I sat there literally biting my tongue, the inside of my cheek all torn up now, when she talked? How did I not scream at the top of my lungs? How am I doing this? And how do I make it easier?

I think we live our lives in other people's hearts and minds. Alone by ourselves we're not very much good at all. But when we let someone else in with their stories and all their sights and sounds and songs and smells and sensations, we suddenly start filling our shelves and boxes with books and books of them and building up our libraries.

Some of these books are pretty thin reading with faded ink and hardly any pictures and dull stories. And then others are nice, heavy little volumes filled with stories of our pasts and our futures and everything we know and everything we don't, printed and bound, fresh and new and clean.

It's nice when one of these books falls into your hands. It's nice when you read through the first few pages and know it's going to be a good one, and you settle down and know you've got pages and pages to go.

No idea what to title it....

Poor boy take a deep breath now
It’s a long way down for you to fall
And you already took the jump
Like a man with nothing to lose
Stepped over the edge and hoped for the worse
And it’s all coming clear to you now
That you were just a young boy
With a foolish man’s heart
So take a deep breath now
Because it’s far too late to turn back
You will see the faces
Of those who turned against you
And the faces of those you never knew
It’s a long way down to fall
And you’re not the first to travel
With the thought that this is the easy way
Path of least resistance
And for a man with nothing to lose
You’d have been right in your thinking
But it’s far too late to turn around
And it’s all out on the line now
Poor boy take a deep breath now
And hold on tight to the things you cling to
Because it’s a long way down to fall
And you’re only just beginning

Silly man close your eyes now
There’s nothing left for you to see
You’ve done it all, or so you say
So why are you still standing?
With a heart so heavy it’s in your toes
And a mind you worn out long ago
You thought you were done with this thing called life
Thought there was nothing left to do but fall
No effort left to exert
Nothing left to do but sigh
So silly man close your eyes now
Because as far as I’m concerned
It’s all over for you
You gave up on this thing called life
Jumped off the ride before it was over
Such a pity the fall didn’t kill you
Because now you’re broken and dying
With nothing left to do
And no one there to help you
Silly man close your eyes now
Wait for it all to end
There’s nothing left for you to see
So why are you still standing?

Foolish lover hold her tight
She’ll fall from your grasp
If you don’t hold her upright
It’s a sad world today
That this is what’s required of you
But it’s the best you both can get
When you’re that far gone
Watch her carefully
And fend off her demons
And she’ll give you something to see
She’ll slow the fall you dread so much
If only you can give her
A chance to breathe
So hold on tight to the girl
And she’ll give you what you need
But be weary of her past
A sad world it is
That this is what you get
But it’s the best you both can do
When you’re that far gone
Foolish lover hold her tight
And she’ll never let you go
Won’t let you fall
Won’t let you close your eyes.

Was it all only temporary? Does the saying 'nothing lasts forever' really have grounds?

Crayons

"Life is like a box of crayons. Most people are the 8-color boxes, but what you're really looking for are the 64-color boxes with the sharpeners on the back. I fancy myself to be a 64-color box, though I've got a few missing. It's okay though, because I've got some more vibrant colors like periwinkle at my disposal. I have a bit of a problem though in that I can only meet the 8-color boxes. Does anyone else have that problem? I mean there are so many different colors of life, of feeling, of articulation.. so when I meet someone who's an 8-color type.. I'm like, 'hey girl, magenta!' and she's like, 'oh, you mean purple!' and she goes off on her purple thing, and I'm like, 'no - I want magenta!'"

You saved my soul, picked up my heart, dusted off the pieces, put it back together, and are holding on to it for safe keeping.



So why do I fear you?

It was perfectly clear last
~~~~~~~~~night when I came home. The stars

were everywhere, mocking me
~~~~~~~~~beacause I can't look until you're here.