This is a conversation I had with the best friend of the girl I am dating; enjoy.

Friend
Dear Emily,

Are you aware that you are ruining my best friend's life? That you're making her lie to people that she's spent all her childhood with? Are you aware that you're a filthy, manipulative bitch? Miranda deserves a nicer, prettier, and more accomodating girl, not someone who's forcing her into an uncomfortable third wheel position. You basically are taking her away from her family and choice of college so that she can stay with you in a place where she has nothing. And I wouldn't even be sticking my nose into this if I didn't already know what kind of person you are. You are SELFISH, IMMATURE, and you have no idea what you're talking about.

Maybe you and Ben will actually get married. But you will split up. You two WILL fight because you're so immature that you won't be able to hold up a relationship like that. And when you guys split, you'll both be trying to force Miranda to take your respective sides. You will ruin her. You will not make her happy. Your chances of making her happy are the same chances of you actually losing some weight and getting a shape that doesn't look like a bowling pin. Zero.

I know that nothing I say will make you leave Miranda in peace. But I'm so mad and I hate you so much that I really feel like I need to say something. I love Miranda. She is my best friend on this whole planet and she has made me into what I am now. I will not sit by and watch you destroy her. Already you have made her do things that she is personally against. If you care anything about her, you will leave. You already have a fiance you selfish bitch, stop trying to have more. And don't give me any shit saying that if Miranda wanted to leave then she would, because you know that that's not true. She's not like that. So just leave.

You don't care for her like Sarah and I do.

Me
January 12 at 12:22am
Dear Friend,
I am going to assume that, having written me a letter in the first place, you will respect my response to such hefty allegations that you have laid upon me. In a just world one has the right to defend themselves against allegations and that’s what I plan to do. I pray you read this and, though has hard headed as you are I doubt this will happen, you acknowledge that some of my points are in fact valid.
You say that I am ruining Miranda’s life and that I will never make her happy. I believe that if you ask her she will tell you otherwise. You say that I will end up leaving her and will ruin her life in this way. Well maybe, who can say what the future holds, but I also believe that if you ask Miranda, your so called friend (I say this because if she were your friend you would respect her wishes and her life enough to be happy that she is happy) she will say that she would trade that unhappiness for the bliss she has now. You say I am taking her away from her family. So you want her to be stuck in the park for the rest of her life? Some friend you are. You say I am taking away her choice of college. She really wants to go to a community college? You say I will never lose weight? I’ve lost over 60 pounds in the past year. (Furthermore you say I am the immature one? You are the one who is bringing up materialistic and vain things like appearances into this).
I am happy to accept any insults you throw at me, any issues you have with our relationship, and problems you have with my personality, as long as they are valid complaints. Telling me that I am selfish, that I am immature…well, anyone who actually knows me, knows me more than someone who has spent no more than a few hours with me, will laugh at you. So if you want to try again to insult and piss me off, please be my guest, but like I said, at least make valid complaints like “I play too many video games” or “I have a weakness for chocolate”.

Me
January 12 at 12:30am
P.S.
I don’t hate you Ashley. In fact, out of most of Miranda’s friends, you are one of my favorites. I just wish that you would see what you are doing to her, what you tearing at this relationship is doing to the one you claim to care so much about. I wish that you would support her as a friend should, give advice when she asked for it, and be there when she needs you, instead of beating her up for choosing this life every chance you get. Do her a favor and think about it, really think about it, and hopefully you will understand that she, as hard headed as she is, wont benefit from you telling her not do things, but rather telling her it’s alright if she does and that you will be there for her if things do fall apart. That’s what she needs, she needs a friend now more than ever and I had hoped that you would be that friend for her.

Friend
I think what’s funny about this is that you said that I’m beating her up over this. Actually, I’m only beating you up. I don’t blame her for any of this happening, I blame you. I blame the girl shreiking into the phone when Miranda tries to spend five fucking minutes of her life trying to talk to me. I blame the girl turning Miranda into a hypocrite. I have never in my life told Miranda not to date you, not to move. I have specifically told her that I would accept whatever she chose. But I cannot in fact accept this, but I haven’t given her shit for it. I have told her that I can’t be with her when you are around. No, I blame you for everything. Miranda is a good person and just has a lack of self-respect. I blame the girl that said, “either you date me or we can’t be friends”. Knowing Miranda, it is easy to say that you backed her into a corner. If she had loved you, if she had wanted to be with you, she would have accepted your invitation sooner. Think about that one.
Another thing, calling me hard headed and assuming that I wouldn’t read your responce is hilarious. God, I hate you. Let’s make that one clear. I’ve hated you from the day you mocked my tetris abilities. Let me tell you something about Sarah. She is a good person all around. She doesn’t deserve you running around and ripping away her best friend. I’m 100% positive that Miranda doesn’t hate her company. I’m positive that she doesn’t hate my company. So why, out of an entire month, was I only able to spend ONE fucking night with her? Because of you. You, the 17 year old girl who thinks it’s smart to get engaged to a guy you’ve never met. You, the girl who is so eager to get away from home. If you were so traumatized, you wouldn’t be such a bitch about everything, you’d probably be the opposite. I hate people like you, whining about your lives when they’re amazing compared to so many others. But enough about my hatred for you.
Don’t pretend that you give a shit if she moves out of the park or not. You’ll use her up and then move on, I swear on all that I have that that will happen. And going to an affordable college with her family and friends there to support her is not saying she’ll stay there forever. You’d think you’d have a little more confidence in her. Moving to Kentucky near a fucking army base with no one is going to ruin things. I know plenty of people that moved to an unknown place because of a significant other, then broke up and had no where to go. It’s miserable. You think Miranda is happy now, maybe so. You’re her first girlfriend. Yay for 18 year old euphoria. I’m glad she’s having fun. Now. But you’re trying to drag her into your life. Your life as it is now is a shithole. All you have is her and your hick fiance. Miranda will never turn her back on you but he will. You think he’s serious about this threesome? No, he’s a guy and he’s just happy to be fucking two girls and getting away with it. He’ll meet some bitch in the army and leave you.
By the way, saying that you “play too many video games” or are “Addicted to chocolate” are not valid arguments in any way shape or form. If I judged you over that then I really would be the immature one. If you honestly think that way then, wow, you’re a lot worse than I thought. I’m pretty intuitive if you didn’t know. And I don’t sit by and watch an injustice prevail, especially when it’s happening to someone that I care so fucking much about.
P.S. You guys don’t have a relationship. You have a clusterfuck. It won’t end well. I promise you.

Friend
oh, and one other thing. I did in fact tell her that I would be there for her when things fell apart. Why don’t you try talking to her first before you make assumptions. Again I’ll state, if I wanted to yell at her for it I would have done it, but instead I’m bitching you out. Because you, dear, are the problem.

Me
January 12 at 1:15am
I guess at this point the only thing I can say is, since you did what I expected and got angry over a completely civil letter, is say thank you for being a good friend to Miranda for so long and I can only hope that you will continue to do so no matter what happens with the three of us, which I do think you will do judging by how much you do care about her. With that I say good bye, and I will let you know every ten years or so how things are going. That’s all I can really do at this point when people refuse to even hope that things could possibly be good for me, for Miranda, and for Ben.

Me
January 12 at 1:20am
I’m sorry, but I can’t resist saying that yes, you are not yelling at her for any of this, but you are yelling at me and she knows this. You should know her well enough by now to know that she is blaming herself for you hating me, blaming her actions for your feelings on the matter. Even if you don’t blame her, yell at her, or confront her on this, she takes it like you are. You should know better.

Friend
You’ll let me know every ten years or so? HAH. That’s good. First of all, I let Miranda know that I was writing this. She didn’t ask me to stop. Second of all, you guys won’t last one year, so don’t give me any shit about ten years. You don’t have any friends, you don’t know what it means to have friends, so you think that you can just hoard her away and everything will be fine. Again, stop acting like you’re all high and mighty and you know what’s best for Miranda. You don’t even know what’s best for yourself. Trust me, while I still have a fighting chance, I will not let you hurt her. She needs advice, you’re right, but apparantly you only think it’s advice if it works out for you. You’re like a poisonous leech sucking the life out of her. But I guess I won’t say anymore to you. It doesn’t do any good. I was more or less looking to vent. But soon enough she’ll see what you are. And that will be priceless.

Me Today at 4:43pm
Don’t ‘vent’ to me to stupid fucking bitch. I’m so fucking sick of being nice to you, hoping you will see reason, so I quit. I’m done, you won, I’m going rain hell on you like you’ve never seen. You think I’m the immature one? You are the one who couldn’t be man enough to see I was trying to be fucking civil with you. My relationship wont last? Hasn’t that fag of yours cheated on you already? And I’m the one who is going to end up alone? You need a big fucking reality check, and you need to leave me and Miranda the fuck alone. You know she wont tell you not to do something, she doesn’t want to get in a fight with you. And if you didn’t know that, fuck you even more. I’m so sick of everything goddamned thing in this world throwing punches at me every turn I make because I’m trying to be the better man and say you all just have your own opinions. Fuck that. I’m done. You are a pathetic piece of shit excuse for human life who dislikes the entire human population because they just aren’t up to your standards. News flash, your intelligent, no one is ever going to be good enough for Miranda in your eyes. Would you prefer Frost? Because if I leave her and she doesn’t off herself, that’s what’s going to happen. So if you really want me to, I will leave her, but I really think you should rethink that little plan of yours of her living happily ever without me before you ever fucking talk to me again.
p.s. I’d do good to stay away from me, because if I ever see you again I am going to have a shit load of medical bills to pay for and that’s just one more reason I will want to spit on your corpse.